The Perfect Gentleman

PE R FE C T G E N T L E M A N
E TIQ UE T T E AND E L O Q UE NCE
A BO O K O F I
NF O RMAT IO N
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A RE
A D DE D , T H E
DUTI ES OF CIIAIRIIEN 01 PUBLIC MEETI NG S,
“
AN D
RU L E S
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FO R
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II E
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S A N D E L A AIP L E S FO R D
BY
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I
B Y
N EW
DIC K
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GE NT
O N L Y
G O L D
L E MAN
R T
S U B S C
o
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18
IT
H
SO L U
V A L U A BL B
T IO N S
.
.
I O N
I P
W
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Y O RK
FIT Z G E R A L D
N
E ER
I RE
N D U C T T IIE R FO F T O G T H
A W N G U P I’R E A M B L L S A S )
CO
LY
AN N
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P U B L I S H E R S,
ST RE E T
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6120 the
THE
LI A N
WHO
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D E C E I VE D H I S
T H IS
W IT
N IFIED WIT
A FFA BL E
W HO
LIT E
VO L
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TO
W
HU
O
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AL L
F R IE N D ,
U
IT H O
U
AFFE CT AT I O H
T
N IT Y ;
T
VA
T
O S I E N T A T I Q BI
'
L
‘
S E R VI E T O
NO R T
U
R
X O XE
NE D
;
H IS BA C K T O H IS FO R
;
U
M E IS RE S P EC T F L L Y D E DIC AT ED BY
T HE A U
THOR
P R E FA O E
.
hi ch is de vo te d
all tha t portio n o f this wo rk w
’
to the speeches i t is no t the autho r s purpo se to say
a nyth i n g i n the a y either o f expl a natio n o r apology
L e t the spe e ches speak fo r themselves
It i s n o t claimed that all the to asts are o rigi n al
Many o f them are take n from such eminent so u rces
—
e
r
whether A merican o E uro p a n as the author had at
his hand ; and whenever the phraseology s uite d he
adopted it witho u t change
”
O f the A me r i ca n Code of P oli te ne s s there is s o me
what m ore t o be said It a s n o t expected that much
wh i ch i s n ew could be wr i tte n o n this subj ect The
o nly aim has bee n to prese n t the ge n eral r u les o f
politeness and etiquette in such a manner as to rende r
them plain and instructive and to point o u t some o f
the absurd and con flicti ng rules o f t he fashio n ab le
code which have come into our country from di ffere n t
parts o f E urope
The author has had t he oppo rtuni ty o f seeing that
there are wide differ ences betwee n some par t icular
r ules o f etiquette as prac t ised in A merica and E ng
land and o n the co n tinent o f E urope S ome things
that are orthodox etiquette i n L ondon are gro ss her
A
os y in P aris and a l l o ver the continent o f E urope
ho should co nduct himself o n the co n tinent in
ma n w
all particulars according t o the rules o f eti quette pr a c
t i s e d i n E ngla n d would soo n find himself stared at by
well bred peopl e i f not banished from polite s o c i e tv
OF
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(5 )
P R E FA C E
6
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The au tho r h a s witnessed some a musing no t to say
ridiculous incidents in fashionable so ciety in A merica
arising out o f the fact that one par ty prac t ised th e
P a risian co de while ano ther persistently adhered to
the E nglish fashion and so a so cial col l i s i on if no t a n
a s inevitable
e x lo s i o n w
p
L e t a person go into company who has read o n l v
the E nglish bo o k s on etiquette which are quite nu
m e r o u s l y republished in this country and meet wi th
another w
ho h appens to have read only the French
continental rules and they will so o n b e found
or
bu m ping heads with each o ther A notable instance
Y o rk within th e
o f this o ccurred in the ci ty of N e w
present year in w
hich a lady a nd gentleman of co n
s i de r a bl e eminence go t into an unspeaking feud with
each o ther They had fo r some months enj oyed wha t
mi ght be called a literary and musical acquaintance
’
whe n they one day met in M r H all s m usic store and
the gentleman after the E nglish fashion wai ted fo r
th e lady t o recogni z e him ; and the lady after the
French fashion waited for the gentleman to recogni z e
—
he r
and so nei t her could recogni z e the o ther They
had b o th deci edly ou t each o ther without intending
A nd so
i t —wi t hout knowing what they had done
a fterwards they always passed each o ther like e n emies
in t he streets un t il o n e day the lady had an O pp o r t u
n i ty of asking for an explanation o f t he insul t which
she believed had been o ffered her The gentleman
denied that h e had been t he o ffendi n g party but o n
the o t her hand declared th a t s he had refused t o rec o g
n i z e hi m
I wai ted said he a long t i me to see i f
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B u t replied th e lady
yo u really mean t to cut me
i t was fo r you to recogni z e m e first
A nd then follo w
ed a deba t e o n th e great question
of the e t iq u ett e involved in the impo r tant affai r i n
which each confi dent of be i ng in the righ t refused to
give way ; and the gentleman actually believed hi m
self master o f the fiel d until he was assured by th e
autho r that there was an overwhelm i ng maj or i ty of
the fashionabl e worl d a gainst him
The l ady above referred to is a n accomplished tr a ns
lato r of French works and was undoubtedly well
infor m ed i n all the r ules o f e t iquette as practised on
The gentleman was equ a lly
the continent of E u rope
i
t
i
n
the
E
nglish
rules
B
u t with sorrow be i t
a u
a
f
s aid neither was quite up to the generous and hearty
spirit o f politeness dictated by the common se n se and
simplicity o f republican m a n n ers
A lthough fashio nable so ciety in A merica is made
up to some extent o f p eople who have come from
n
every p art o f the O l d W o rld each bringing his o w
peculiar fashions yet there is gradually gro wing up
an i ndi vi du a li ty of o u r o w
n which happily begins to
displ ay itself in s oci a l and fa s hi ona bl e as well as in
p oli t ical independence
The Sp i r i t o f politeness like that o f morality and
religion must be the same all over the wo r ld ; b u t
th e artificial rules o f etiquette are necessarily mo dified
and varied by lo cal institu tions
The s t i fl and stately p omp o f fashion as i t comes out
o f t he a t mosphere of mo n a r chical c o ur t s a n d thenc e
descends u po n the plai n s o f commo n l i fe i n those coun
tries brings with it much that is unnatural and gro
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P R E FA C E
8
.
i n contrast with t he simplicity o f republica n
ins t i t utio n s
N o t wi t hstanding all the books o n etiquette in use
in this co untry are either translations from the French
or republications o f E nglish bo oks there is in many
instances a modifica t io n of the a rtificial rules o f p o
li t eness they contain in the manners of the best so ci
ety in A merica In a word i t is not to o much to say
that we are beginning to have an American code in
better harmony wi th the practical and enligh t ened
common sense of democratic i n stituti ons than much
th at has been dictated by the pompous impudence o f
a r istocratic exclusiveness
The anecdo tes at the end o f the volume have been
sel ected for the two fold p u rpo se of a ffording a m u s e
m e nt and i ns tr u ct i o n at th e convivial bo ard
’
Indeed the autho r s aim in every part of the b o ok
has been to m ake a usefu l companion o f the dining
the p arlor and o f every o ther place where
1 oom
ladies and gentlemen may b e properly a m bi t i o ns t o
a p pear with satisfactio n and ho n or to themselves a n d
pl asure to o thers
The author professes that modesty alone causes hi m
to withhold his n ame from the title page H e is
a are that such a remarkabl e degree of mo desty in an
a u thor will be considered improbable if no t i m p o s
sible by the general public Bu t he consol es himself
wi th t he idea that even if it shall be believed that the
virtue is only a n a fi e c t a t i o n o n his part he has a t
least set a go o d example and one w
hich is very much
needed for the be n efit o f a u thors at the present t i me
te s q u
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C O N T E N T S
A IO STO
A M E N D ME NT S
A D O U RNM ENT S
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A C T OR SPEE CH or AN
AM ER I C A S T OA ST T o T Q U EE N or E NG L AN D
A UT H OR SPEE CH or AN
A C T OR S T O A S T
A M AT ORY T O A S T S
ARTI S TI C T O A ST S
A M ER I C AN W IN E S
AR T O F D R IN K ING l V N
A M ERI C AN C O DE or P O L IT E N E SS
A N E C DO T E S
3 7 3 8 4 7 52 57 6 9 7 6 8 1 8 9 90
A M ERI C AN V AL O R
A L F I ER I
B I B L I O G RA PH ER S PEE CH or A
B A KER S T O AS T
B L A C K SM IT H S T OA S T
BAN K R S T O A S T
B OOK KEEPER S T OA S T
B U RG UN DY
B ALL S IN WA S HI NGTON
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B O OC A C C IO ,
CERVANT E S
CO O K SPEE C H or A
C A P ITAL I S T SPEE CH or A
C H AI R MAN SE L E C TING A
C H A R A C T ER O F A C R
C A RPE NT ER S T OA S T
CA RD MA KER S T OA S T
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FI LL E T O F V E A L
L E G O F M U TT O N
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ORE Q UA R T R or L A M B
H AU N CH O F M U TT O N
SA DD L E or M UTT ON
R OA ST P G
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G OO SE
T U RKEY
D NN ER S O N G I V NG
D R IN K ING O N HO N E S T
D U E L SPEE CH or A M AN W O W O UL D
D I S TI LL ER S T O A S T
D INN ER S IN V ITATI O N S T o
D E FINITI O N O F P O L I T E N E SS
D RE SS
D RE SS AT W A S HINGTON
D INN ER S AT W A S HINGT O N
D EPORT M E NT IN T H E S T REE T
D INN ER TA B LE E L O Q U E N C E
D ANT E
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L EM O ST H E N E S
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C O NT E N S
11
.
D E E AT E S,
E D I TOR S P EE CH O F
E NG L I S H B E NEVO L E N C E SPEE CH O N
E V RY MAN S T O AST
E TI UE TT E O F T H E D INNER T A B
E VE NING P A RTI E S
E TI UE TT E A T WA S H INGTO N
E VE N NG P A RTIE S A T TV
FI RE M AN SPEE C H O F A
FI RE M AN T OA ST
GE OGRA PH CAL S P EE C
GREA T N A M E S S PEE C H ON
G L A I ER S T O AST
GERM AN W IN E S
GE N R A L R ULE S O F P O L IT E N ESS
HO T EL S PEE CH A T T H E O PE NING
T o C A LL O N T H E P RE S DE NT T H E U N IT E S T A
H w
H wT o N E GA T IV E
M O TI O N
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T o V I S IT O F F I C IAL P ERS O N S IN W A S H ING T ON
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HO G A R T H
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IM P UDE NT M AN S
O F AN
I NV ITATI O N S T O D INN ER
I NT ROD UC TI O N S
JO H N S O N D R
JU D G E SPEE CH O F A
JE S T ER SPEE CH or
L A SS E S L OVER S SPEE CH O N T H E
L A W YER SP E C H O F A
L OVER SPEE C H or AN O L D
L O U D L A U G H ER S P EE CH or A
L AC ONI C M AN S P EE CH or A
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T
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12
C
O N TENTS
ITE Y G
SPEE CH
L I T ER A RY T OA S T S
L O P E D E V E GA
MI LL ER S W IF E T H E
M ODE ST W O M E N
M USI C IAN S P EE CH
M ER C AN T SPEE CH
M AN O F HO NO R S
or
MA RRIAG E SPEE CH AT A
M I S C E L L AN O U S T O A S T S
MA S O NI C T OA ST S
M ANN S A T T A LE
MA RRIA
M O A RT
M O N T AI N
N AV A L
M I L ITA RY T O ST
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or
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AN D
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ON GIVI G D
O N CA RVING
O N I NT R O D U C TIONS
O N D RE SS
O N E VE I NG PA RTI E S
O N M RR IAG E
O PINIO N or L ORD B YRO N O N EA TIN
O R I NAL M O TIONS
ON MO T ON S
O
L A K S AN D R IVE S
P O E T SPEE C H or A
P UN ST R SPEE CH or A
FI H TING SPEE CH O N
P I
P OOR M
SPEE CH or A
P AT RIOT SPEE CH or A
P O L IT M AN SPEE CH or
P LI S
SP
or A
IN N E IIS ,
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P ORT \VIN E
P O L IT E N E SS
P O L ITI C A L D INN ER S IN T H E U NIT E S TAT ES
P E T RA R CH
P LUTA R C H
P H I D IA S
P AT
RI
A
T ER
13
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A IN T E R
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P LAUT U S
P REV I O US Q UE I O N
Q U E S T ON S O F O RDER
RI DD L E IN ST E A D O F A SPEE CH
H E A DED M AN SPEE CH O F A
R
R O A D M AKER S T O A T
R UL E S F OR P RE SI D ING AT T
R O G ER B A C O N
R O B ER T HERRI C K
R A B E L AI S
RA PHAE L
R O B ERT FUL T O N
R EM OV IN A C HAI RMAN
RAI S ING OB E C TI O N S
R IG H T O F R EP L Y
S P EE CH O F T H E C H AI R M AN
SPEE CH or A M AN W DOE S N O T M A KE SPEE CH
SO B ER M AN SPEE CH O F A
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S T RO NG M IN DED W O M E N
S A M S L I C K S SPEE CH O N T H E C L ER G Y
SO NG IN S T E AD O F A SPEE C H
S A L OR SPEE C H O F A
S H OE M A KER SPEE CH O F A
S C AN D AL SPEE CH O N
S O LD IER S PE E CH or A
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C O NT E
N TS
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S U R G EO N S T A S T
S A DD L ER S T O A S T
S HERRY XV N
S I R W A L T ER S C O TT S R UL E S R P S
S I R JO S HUA R EYN O L D S O P INI O N or IV
S I D N EY S M IT H
S C O L D ING V
S
H UM P H RY D AV Y
T AIL OR SPEE CH O F A
T A LL O W C AN D L ER SPEE CH O F A
T O AST—M AST ER S CO M PANI O N
T O AS T S F OR A LL P R O S S O S
T INKER S T O A ST
T A L K ING IN CO M PAN Y
TABLE W
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AT T A B
AT T A B L E
ID IN G
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T H E S P IS
T H E VV B RED MAN
T RE AT M E NT O F SERV ANT S
T A K ING T HE C HAI R
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ELL -
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DERTA KER SPEE CH or AN
U NIT ED S TAT E S AN D CE NT R A L A M E I C A
V AN DY CK
V O TING O N O R IGINAL M O TION S AN D AM E N D M E NT S
W IN E M ER CH ANT SPEE CH or A
W G SPEE CH or A
VV
B I BB ER SPEE CH O F A
IV
G O F M R G R A VE
W
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AT T A B L E
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T o K N O W G OOD
W IN E AR T O F D R IN K ING
WIT S AN D W IN E
WAT CHW ORD O F AM ER I CA
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WI LL IA M
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C AKT O N,
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PERFE CT G ENTL E MAN ;
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ETIQ UE T TE AND EL OQ UENCE
.
S U B JE C T
THE
.
If a literary gentleman and a scholar needed a ny
excuse for w
r i t i n g a bo o k o n the elo quence a n d e t i
ne
o
of
the
dinner
table
beyond
that
which
is
u
e
t
t
e
q
rea dily appreci ated by all autho rs — fle e p r i ce i t br i ng
hi m — h e would fi nd it in the fact that great men in
all ages have given their co u n te n a n ce to this subj ect
The subject has been amply canvasse d by such men as
D r Johnson Voltaire S i r H umphry D avy L or d Ba
con Jeremy Bentham L ord Byron a n d an i nn u m e r
able li s t o f philo sophers wits a n d po et s o f all natio n s
A n excellent and well ar
S i dney S mith says
range d dinner is a m ost pleasing o ccurrence and a
great triumph o f civilized life It is no t o nly the
descending mo rsel and the enveloping sauce but the
rank weal th wit and beauty which surroun d the
meats ; the learned management o f light and heat ;
the silent a n d rapi d services of atten dants ; the smil
ing a n d se dulous ho st pr o ll e r i ng gusts a n d reli s hes
the exo tic bo ttles ; the embos s e d plate ; the plea s ant
remarks the han dsome dres ses th e cunning a r t i fi c cs
The hour of dinne r i n hort i n
o f fruit and fa r i n a l
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S
,
T HE
16
O
M DE
L SPEE C
H M AK E R
.
eludes everything of sens u al a n d i n tellectual g r a ti fi ca
tion which a great natio n glorie s i n pro ducing
The a cco mpl i s n e d S ca r g i l wittily writes
There i s
a n attractio n of a ffi nity e ffecte d t y co okery : they
ho dine much together generally assimilate mu ch i n
w
Opinion It is n o t an easy matter to dine frequently
wi th a man especially if he have a go o d co ok without
coming into some o r most of his ways o f thinking
H ow observable is the unanimity pro duced by a p u bl i c
—
dinner
It seems an establi s he d fact a generally
recognize d opinio n that the people may be dine d
into anything They are dined into liberty they are
dined into loyalty ; they are dine d into charity they
are dined into piety ; they are dine d into liberality ;
they are dined into ortho doxy ; they are dine d into
”
heresy
S o well is this great gastronomic p a c i fi ca t o r under
sto o d by statesmen a n d politicians that nearly all
m atters of state and diplomacy are discusse d and set
The empress C atharine de
t l e d at the dinner table
Me dicis who was called the mother a n d the wife o f
”
kings used to descend t o th e kitchen to superinten d
the dinners prep ared for those whom she would con
trol and dipped in rich sauces the han dwhich hel d the
reins o f government and which R o u s s a r d compare d
to the rosy fingers of A urora This great empress
declared that the highest thing to be sai d in praise
It
o f woman is that she can cook a go o d dinner
wa s o ver the conciliating o dors of a rich dinner
superintended by her o w
the
n han d that she dre w
Duke o f A lba into the fearful plan o f the massacre o f
”
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O
T HE
8
M DE
L SPEE C
H M AK E R
-
.
observ a nce of tho se delicate rules of etiquette and
politene s s which give to civilization its i mmen s e so cial
h o can appear
A man w
a dvantages over savage life
we l l a t the table will always be ju dge d a gentleman
by well bre d people
O n the other han d the man who
app e ars ill there has the mark o f vulgarity i n delibly
impresse d upon hi m
The presence o f one clown at the dinner table woul d
Spoil the comfort of every well bre d guest
A n d for
th i s reaso n those who are at all careful of the c u stoms
of go o d so ciety rigi dly abstain from inviting such
persons to meet parties a t their tables Where ladie s
a r e invite d this rule i s never u n der any cir c um s tances
deviate d from
But where no l a dies are t o be presen t
a n d the dinner i s given exclu i vely to gentlemen for
political purpo s e s it i s c u s t o m a r i n thi s country to
invite a mixe d crow d of guests without a n y refere n ce
whatever to their so cial equali ty ; a n d no g en tl eman
at such a time can object to sit a t table by the si de o f
a fello w who shovels the victuals into his mo nth w
i th
the knife or blo ws hi s nose in th e napkin or sq u ir ts a
stream of tobacco juice over his s houl der at t he fi r e
place There is a necessity for this wi de devi a tion
from the o r di n a r v laws o f social respectabili ty : t he
ith
u nrefine d man is I nvited bec a use h e h a s influence w
a cla s s of men whose votes a r e s ought for by the
gentleman or by t h e p a r ty for who s e p olitica l int e r
e s ts the dinner i s given O n such o cca s ions it w
ou l d
a y
be a great i mpo l itene s s for any gentleman in a n y w
to no tice the vulgarities of this man H e h a s n o t
h
as
sh
d
himself
into
the
company
but
he
been
e
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p
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RU L E
S
FO R
P R E S I D I N G A T T A BL E
19
.
i nvite d there
because he is a m a n of infl u ence with hi s
clas s and being thus invited he is entitl e d to the same
at tentio n and respect from all the o ther g u ests as
thou g h he h ad e nj oyed equal a dvantages o f ed u cation
and refinement with them
,
.
“
RU LE S
FO R
I
P R E S I D IN G
T AB L E
AT
.
pleasure at t a ble dep ends u pon
the person who is called upon to pre s ide
If the dinner is given by a so ciety or a committee o
by an institution the president or chair man will of
co urse preside and when a g entleman gives a dinner
for political or any o ther purposes he will take the
chair hi m self
A t dinners given by in dividuals to the public pres s
o r on any o ccasio n where there is no one u pon whom
the duties o f presi di n g a lrea dy devolve i t is custom
ary for the party giving the dinner to invi te some
gentleman to take the chair (the head of the table) or
in case he do e s no t do that the gue s t s them s elves
I ndicate one of their number fo r that post
The chairman remains standing until all th e o ther
guests are seate d and when he t akes his seat it i s
a s 1g n a l that the party is ready to h e waite d u p on and
the feast opens
The chairman i s waited u pon last a n d a s the di nner
progresses he will carefully but very quietly see tha t
none o f the guests are n eglected by the waiters
A great deal o f
th e
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2 0
TH E
N O DE L
’
S P l ZE C H -M A K BR
.
If the chairman ha s o cc a s i on to give a n y directio n
to the waiter , he do es n o t s pe a k to h i m lou d enough to
be h eard by the rest at table but calls him quie tl y
to his si de and gives his instructions in an un dertone
It is when the toa s t i ng a n d s p e a ki ng commence that
’
the ch airman s most important duties begin
H is
o ttico is that o f a mo derator H e will call the table
to order at the rea ding o f each to ast and will see that
proper silence is preserved while re s ponses a r e bei n g
made
’
Though wine is a mighty quickener of men s tongue s
t h e well bred man will neither talk alou d nor whisper
while ano ther guest is making a speech The chair
m a n will see that no ne break this rule
T he experience d chairman will allo w plenty o f
time between the t oasting and speaking for the g u ests
to chat and laugh and joke together
H owever
vigilant he is in pushing roun d the b ottle he take s
care that the speeches do n o t come to o fast nor o ccupy
t o o much o f t h e t i me
A gentleman wishing to propose a s entiment may
either repeat it himself o r han d i t to the chairman to
be read If he repeats it himself he will say Mr
”
9
ch airman have I your permission to o ffer a to ast
The chair will give his consent a n d say Gentleme n
will please to come to or der and listen to a sentiment
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77
It is the duty of the chair to take notice that e a c h
gentleman i s helped to the wine that he prefers a n d
th at the bottle do es no t forget him in its roun ds
W hen any gentleman i s called upon to r e s p o n t o a
,
.
L S
RU E
PR E SID ING AT
FO R
T A BL E
2 1
.
to a s t the chairman will use hi s endeavors to get a
speech from the party thus complimen t e d But if i t
shall be evident to t he chair that the gentleman is
su ffering un der a real embarrassment in bei n g th u s
calle d u pon he will relieve hi m from his dilemma by
f
some ingenious turn that will l e t the victim o from a
speech a n d that to o if possible wi thou t mortifying
N o case could o ccur where an adroi t
h i s va n i t v
chairman woul d not be able to do this
S i r Walter S co tt has left the following rule s o f
presiden cy a t the table
l a t A lw a ys hurry the bottl e round fo r five o r s i x
round s w
i thout prosing yourself or permitting o ther s
A slight fi l i p of wine inclines people to b e
t o prose
pleased a n d removes the nervousnes s which prevents
men from s p e a k i n w dispo s es them in short t o be
amusing a n d to b e amus ed
2 nd P u s h o n h c e p moving ! as young R api d s ays
D o not think o f saying l ine thing s
nobody cares fo r
them any mor th a n for fine m u s i c which is often to o
l i berally b e stowed o n s u ch o ccasio n s S peak at all
ventures and attempt the mot p ou r T i T B You will fi n d
peopl e satisfie d with won derfully indi fferent j okes if
you can but hi t the taste of the company which
E ven a very high par
depends much on i ts character
t y prime d wi th all fashionable folks may b e stor m e d
by a j ovi a l r o u g h r o u n d a n d rea dy presi dent C hoo s e
your text wi th di scretion the sermon may be as you
like S houl d a drunkard o r an ass break in with a u v
t h i n g out o f jo int if you can parry with a jes t goo d
ell if no t do no t exert vour serious authority
a nd w
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T HE
2 2
O
M DE
L SPE E C
H MA K E R
-
.
unless it is so m ething very ba d The au t hority even
o f a chairman oug h t to b e very ca u tiou s ly exerci s e d
With p atience you will have th e s upport of e very one
glas s e s to pl a y
3 r d When you have drunk a fe w
the go o d fellow a n d bani s h mo desty (if you are unlucky
enough to h ave s uch a trouble s ome companion) then
a re o f th e cup to o m u ch
be w
N o thing is so ri diculous
as a drunken pre s i dent
L a s tl y A lways s peak s hort a n ds ke och do ck na s ki d
cut a tale with a drink
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S PEE C H E S
D IN N E R TAB LE
AT T H E
-
.
To Speak really well at the convivial table requires
consi derabl e a n d varied talent rea ding a n d o bs e r
v a tion To shine o n such o ccasions it is necess a ry
that o n e shoul d po s s e s s wit a comman d of la n guage
a n d a go o d degree of taste and ju dgment
Unle s s a
m a n is arme d wi t h some of these gifts at least i t will
be a hazar do us thi n g fo r hi m to un dertake a regular
speech at the dinn er table
If howe ver a man is called up at table he mu s t s a v
s omething if it is no more than to apologize fo r no t
respon ding in a speech A n d even this little matter
m a y be do ne so gracefully a n d go o dnat u re dly that he
wi l l si t do w
n ami d the a pplause of the whole table
If he feels himself totally unable to make any kin d o f
a Speech h e m a y re s o rt to s ome such little trick a s
saying tha t his frien ds kne wvery well when the ?
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SP
EE C HE
S
A T T HE
D
I NN E R T ABL E
2 3
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alled hi m up h a t h e h a d conscientious scruples
against S peech making at a n y time and especially a t
such a dinner as this where there i s so m uch go o d
victuals a n dwine to be enj oyed H e woul d therefore
conte n t himself with thanking the ge ntlemen for thei r
kin dne s s a n d leave them to the uninterrupted enjoy
m ent o f th e goo d wine sprea d before them until so m e
gentleman shall b e calle d up who wil l make a speech
wo r thy o f the great treat to which the y have been
invite d A r y goo dnature d turn like this is in fi nitely
better than a dull sp eech at table Be s i des i t i s n o t
h o is calle d
expecte d nor des ired that every person w
up at table shoul d make a speech It is customar y to
e x t e n d th e compliment to all bu t i t is no t expecte d t h a t
ho se w
ill in flict a s peech who are incapable o f m a ki n g
one B u t every o n e o ught t o be able to return hi s
th a nks to g e n tlemen gracefu ll y o r perh a ps to t e l l some
a p propriate story to set the t bl e in a r e a r
The eloquence of the dinner tabl e s houl d always be
of a quiet tone of vo ice wi th a please d a n d frien dl y
countenance and very little if any kin d of action o r
ge s ture shoul d be in dulge d in L ou d a n d boisterou s
declam a tion at such times would be bo th o ut of p l a c e
and ri diculous
Go o d j okes and merriment a r e always in o r der at
dinner but the mi r th and hilarity mus t be tempere d
ith go o d sen s e a n d a delicate observance o f pro
A
ll
straine
d
attempt
s at facetiou s ne s s by one
r i e ty
p
ho h a s not a n a tural talent for i t are sure to e n d i n
w
m aking him ridiculous
Therefore let no man ven
tu re upo n gay s a llies at dinner unless they so pres s
c
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T HE
2 1
O
M DE
L SP EE C
H MA K E R
-
forwar d to
hi s lips as to esc a pe almo s t in s p ite o f him
n c gains far more cre di t by sh o wing t hat he duly
a ppreciates the wit of o thers a n d geni e ly laughing i n
t he rig h t pl aces than he can by vain att e mpts of hi s
own D r John so n says we take no more plea s ure in
s eeing a m a n s tri ve to
be witty a n d fail than we
s houl d in seeing him a ttemp t to jump over a ditch and
fa ll into i t
It is often the ca s e that th ose who converse well at
t a ble still make the wors t of sp e e che s at t he convivial
n c e ting
What a pity that a man who is go o d
in co nversatio n shoul d de s t r o v h i s in fluence by bad
speech es ! W he n one who i s calle d up at table fin ds
himself confuse d a n d unabl e to give utterance to hi s
i deas as is often the ca s e with the inexperience d the
o nly thing for hi m to do i s to s te p at once a n d resume
his seat before he makes him s elf ri diculous The fol
lowing s ne c i m e n of an after dinner speech is no t worse
than i s qu i te often heard at the m e r r v table
This I
may gentlemen— that is perhaps I may b e allowe d to
—
observe t o re mark rather a s remarkabl y expre s sive
o f my feelings o n this c o ca
o n the pre s ent o ccasion
—
—
that I consi der this l am sure I
t hat is gentlemen
—
l
need no t s a y and I say i t with out hesi t ation tha t
this i s the prou dest moment of a s I w
a s a b out to s a y
my li fe (pause) For as the fabl e d bir d of po etry t h e
ph oenix of o u r immo rtal bar d derives new vi t alit y
fro m the ashes of if I m a y be allo we d th e expre s s ion
a n expire d an exti n ct exi s tence so do e s the calm ser en
ity of age emanate from the transitor y turbul ence o f
yo u th (pause) A n d gen tl e m en — g e ntl emen I n e e d
.
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T HE M O DEL
2 6
SP EE
CH M AK E
-
R
.
dinner A few amiable wor ds o f thanks to the gentle
men who have called him up a pleasant allu s ion to
th e host o r to the o ccasion in ho nor of which the di n
ner is given and if he is equal to it s ome goo d
nature d and telling hit at somebo dy o r something is
all that should be attempte d To set the table in a
”
r e ar
a n d no t to set it
a
n
should
be
the
obj
ect
o
f
i
g p g
the convivial orator
A lways before you go t o a dinner where speaking
and toasting is likely to be the or der o f the day be
careful to arm yo u rself with at least o n e goo d to ast and
some anecdote suitable t o the o ccasion W ith a go o d
’
toast and an anecdote at your tongue s e n d you can
hardly fail to make a respectable response to what
ever call may be made up o n y ou
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S P E E C H AT T H E O P E N IN G
OR
S ome
OF
HO TE L
AN
E ATIN G S AL O O N
.
people who are very ambitious t o shine at
table are in the habit o f carefully preparing a little
lp e e ch a n d then writing a to ast to call it o u t which
t hey hand t o a friend wit h the re q uest that he will
o ffer it at a proper time and call u p on them to r e
sp e nd t o it A t a splendid feast which was given to the
’
press on the opening o f Taylor s grand salo on o n the
corner o f Bro adway and Franklin streets a gentleman
d
u
Y
o
aid
another
he
entered
will
be
invite
to
a
s
t
o
s
take t he chair — her e is a toa s t which I want yo u t o
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S P EE CH A T AN OPEN I N G
2 7
.
w
rea d when e have go t a little warmed with wine
”
In due time the follow
a n d call o n me to respo nd
in g to ast was read
T o a l l g ood e a ti ng a n dg ood e a te r s
,
.
—a s
on
the p r e s e n t
i
o cca s on ,
w ti
h
w
er e
w
the
la t
r
A nd M
”
e xi s
w
t ma y
aske
d
g
f
Mr
t o respond which he di d nearly as follows
e l l man
C hairman as that to ast is o n e to which any w
might heartily respo nd I shall n o t consider that a n y
especial reference to my e a ti ng a bi l i ty was inten de d by
my being calle d up to re s pon d I acknowle dge a fair
appreciatio n o f go od eating and I a m always happy
—
to asso ciate with goo d livers e sp e ci a l ly a t m e a l ti m e s
e
l
d
laughter
and
applause
and
my
experience
has
)
(
me t o adopt the idea o f L ord Byron h o said that he
‘
had generally found go o d livers to be amiable gen
’
The D uke of York pro
t l e m e n and go o d friends
n o u n c e d the A l m a n a ck fo r
G ou r m a n ds the most de
lightful bo ok ever issued from the press and I must say
that I have rarely known a great man a man of vigor
ho w
o u s brain and well sustained mental powers w
as
a despiser of goo d living The ancients were n o t so
h o considered the stomach the
much to h e laughed at w
seat of o u r noblest faculties and a ffections O l d P er
‘
’
s i u s called i t the dispenser o f genius
and the H e
brews regarded i t as the head quarters of intellect
while the H in do os t o this day hold it to be the seat of
all the delightful a ffections and if we wanted further
e have it in the delight and enthusiasm with
pro of w
which the learned guests at this table are addressing
th emselves to this intensely active fountain o f the i r
—
genius (la u ghter and applause) E ating g entlemen
the
or
mer
n e ve r
be
an
n
.
as
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2 8
THE
M O D EL S P EE CH M AK E R
-
.
is a gr eat spur to industry a n d a mighty pusher o f
commerce
C oul d w
live without e a ting all t he
e
world would be idle and the ships which no w fly be
fore the winds o n every sea would fold their wings
and drift listless and empty along the desolate shores
It is e a ti n g which rears such magnificent palaces as
this which gives employment to so many millions o f
men a n d women all over the world in coining bri ck
o u t o f the earth hewing stone from the quarry gather
ing timber from the forest construc t ing these superb
decorations o f art a n d fi n ally in meting o u t the
delicate fruits and luxuries which will be serve dwithin
thes e walls to the thousands who will come here to
forget care and to refresh themselves with renewe d
j oy and vigor to meet the sho ck o f their daily toils
O n e man who rears a templ e o f luxury like this do es
ho l e tr i be of vegetarian
more for mankind than the w
anti eating lean stomache d and leaner brained reform
ers who have dragged their sluggish b eings across the
—
earth since time began (gr eat applause ) S o sir
allow me to vary your toast by wishing that the s ha d
e ve r be l e s s a n d m a
ow
s o
ood e a te r s m a
n
h
a d e a te r s
fg
y
y
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ha ve
n o s ha d
o
wt
s
a
,
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a ll
”
.
This Speech was delivered in a careless half waggi s h
style which well suite d the temper o f a party of intel
l i g e n t men who h a djus t partaken o f an extraor dinarily
fine dinner and were sufficiently warme dwith generous
wine to render them appreciative of anything which
coul d be sai d in praise o f go o d living
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.
S P EE C H
A W IN E
or
P
S E E CH O F
AN
~
OLD
ME R C H A NT
2 9
.
BACHE L O R
.
batchelor who was to asted at a p arty o f
a y of twitting him o f his obstinate
m erry friends by w
a s no t so far gone as to have
celibacy replied that he w
any word to utter in praise o f his co n dition especially
in the presence of s o many gentlemen ho luxuriate in
e e ts o m a tr i m o n
h
the s w
H
e
s
ould
attempt
no
eulogy
f
g
o f his misfortune but must defend himself fro m any
a s i ndi f
suspicion that he w
ferent to the charms and
excellencies o f the fair sex H e remembered a cele
hy he did no t
br a t e d wit who when he was asked w
marry a young lady to whom he was attached replie d
I kno no t except the g reat regard e h ave fo r
”
each o ther
A ny happy turn like this is always in goo d taste
and is sure to put the table in excellent temper It
turned the banter upon the married guests without the
b ad taste o f railing against marriage
An
ol d
,
,
,
,
w
,
.
,
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,
“
,
w
w
,
,
,
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,
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.
P
S E E CH O F A
A t the Opening
of
W IN E ME RCHAN T
-
.
a feast th e foll owing to a s t
w
as
A t thi s ta bl e a s e ve r m a g w
o ffered
i n e be the w
he ts to n e
it
of w
and a celebrate d wine merch ant w
h o was
present was calle d up to respon d H e stated that in
the pre s ence of such excellent livers and before so
many gentlemen o f taste and wit go o d wine nee ded
n o eulo g y
Great wits were always appreciators o f
“
,
,
-
,
.
,
,
,
.
T H E M O DE L S PEECH M AKER
30
-
.
go o d wine Gol dsmith called it the philosopher
which drives away care a n d makes us forget whatever
is di s agreeable
S i r Joshua R eynol ds maintaine d
that wine improve d co nversation and benevolence
”
I am said he in very go o d spirits when I get up
in the morning by dinner ti me I am exhauste d ; wine
puts m e in the same state as when I go t up a n d I a m
”
sure that wine makes people talk better
The famou s
solicitor S po ti s w
o o de
Once declare d at a public di n
n e r party that
wine makes a man better pleased with
’
himself
Dr Johnson replied a n d to make a man
better please d with himself let me tell you is doing a
”
very great thing
S i r William Forbes wittily remark
a man warmed with wine was like a bo ttle O f
e d that
beer which is made brisker by being set befo re the
fire
Burke was a lover Of generou s ine and when
ho was always tryi ng t o disagree with
D r Johnson w
everybo dy gave the follo wing scale o f liquors claret
—
—
for boys port fo r men brandy for heroes
Burke
replied L et me have claret then : I love to be a
boy to have the c a r e l e s s g a ye ty of boyish days again
Wine has in all ages Of the worl d been a classic bon d
o f goo d fellowship between hero es
l
l i l O S O pl l e I S and
p
great men S i r Joshua R ey nol ds declared that A t
fir s t the taste O f wine was di s agreeable to me ; but I
brought myself to drink it that I might be like o ther
people
The pleasure O f drinking vine is so con
n e c t e d with plea s ing your comp any that altogether
”
there is something of so ci a l go o dnes s n i t
But the
—
highest thing to be said in prai s e Of wine and o n e
—
which I know this p arty will appreciate is that i t
“
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,
”
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“
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“
“
'
,
,
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,
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“
-
,
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,
w
,
”
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,
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“
,
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”
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,
‘
-
,
,
“
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,
.
,
i
.
,
S
PEE CH
WI NE M ERC HAN T
A
OF
-
.
has immemorially be e n asso ciated with the beauty of
”
omen
Woman and ine are twin words which
w
go hand i n hand together and everywhere warm the
col dest hearts with the glow o f feeling and gush o f
hope that form the s eetest ingredients in th e cu p o f
’
l ife
Byron s famous toast
w
“
.
-
-
,
w
.
G i ve
u s
S e r m ons
i
w
a nd
ne
wm
wt
a n d s o da -
o
e n—
a e r
m i r th
t h e da y
l
a nd au
g h te r ,
a ft e r
will n ever want for admirers What p o et has no t cel e
br a t e d the pleasures of wine ? But fo r wine much o f
the sweetest po etry of the worl d were u nsung T he
sweet songs Of A nacreon o f H a r fe z o f Bur ns o f
Mo ore a n d a glorious li s t of bar ds to o numerous to
m ention were all unsung but fo r the charms and 1n
spirations o f wine Gentlemen I have venture d to
dwell so long upon this subj ect because I supposed
that to prai s e w
i n e i n your presence was like enter
taining a lover with a eulogy o n the charms o f hi s
mistress And in taking my seat allow m e to give
you a sentiment which I beg you will no t consider as
’
ro essw
a
r i ts
n
s
i
l
f
May
we
never
be
u
t
o
o
p f
p
There are se veral go o d po ints in t he above speech
the opinio n o f celebrated men o n the use o f wine is
clas s ical and interesting ; the language is easy and
natur a l ; there is n o straining after e ffect o r vain
reaching a fter wit and humor and yet there is con
s i de r a bl e pleasant and genuine humo r in i t
which
coul d no t fail to put the company in a pleas e d a n d
satisfied frame o f mind
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
"
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,
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,
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,
,
.
vfi
“
‘
32
MO DEL S PEECH
THE
L
M AKER
P
MAN S
’
A S I E NT
-
.
S EE CH
.
ano ther o ccasion a talking m an had mad e a
dashing flowery speech in extravag a nt praise of the
host the dinner and everything at the table a n d
finally sat down by callin g upon a gentleman in a
ho
bantering way w
as
known fo r his extrem e
s ilence to get up and say something in praise o f such
an excellent feas t The perso n thus rallied rose very
s lowly and with a quiet and g o o d nat u red leer replied
that for his part he be l i e ve d all that the elo quent
gentlemen who had just taken his seat had said ; a
fact which reminded him o f an o l d A thenian who a s
deficient in elo quence but who se bravery a s neve r
—
doubte d and when o n e o f his c o mp etitors in a lon g
and flowery speech made grea t professi o ns o f what
he Ou l d do arose and said Men o f A thens ! a l l
that he has promised I will do
The silent gentl e
man to ok his seat amid a general roar and laugh t e r
o f applause
On
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
w
,
,
,
,
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-
,
,
,
w
.
w
,
,
,
w
,
“
,
,
.
,
.
P
S E E CH O F A M AN
WH O
DO E S N O T
MAKE
P
S E E CHE S
.
We were once at a dinner table in P hiladelphia
when the bu s iness o f speech making and story telling
was pushed almost with annoying haste a n d where o n e
gentleman more silent than the rest was co ntinually
bantered a n d p u she d u p to say something A t len gth
t he host laughingly declared that he shoul d either
make a sp e ech o r tell a s to ry o r leave the t abl e T he
-
,
-
-
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
T H E MOD
4
EL S PEEC H M A K ER
-
w
.
story respectably and hen rallie d upon his sile n ce
a n d aske d if such fine wine di d not inspire him o ithe 1
to talk o r sing about it he replie d that he nei ther sung
n o r ma de speeches but he could tell them an Italian
’
rid dle about wine which a s P e r m a nca me n to da c qu a
,
,
,
,
w
,
,
be vo de l
a cq u a
se
;
“
,
i o ha ve s s e
a cq u a
be ve r ci
cl
vi n o
”
Fo r want of water I am force d to drink water if I
A fter every gentle
ha d water I would drink wine
man a t the table had tried in vain to solve the ri ddle
the explanation was given It was the Speech o f an
Italian vineyard man after a long drought and an
extremely ho t summer th at had p arched u p all his
grapes and thu s a want of water h a d forced hi m t o
drink water by destroying his w
ine crop
.
,
,
.
-
,
,
,
.
,
A
P H I CAL S PE E CH
G E O G RA
.
A t a dinner p arty lately given to several learne d
gentlemen in N ew York the conversation became
-
,
heavy with a prolonge d discussion o n the comparative
merits o f di fferent geographical works when a face
tious guest put a s te p to the te dious discu s sion by s a y
N ow gentlemen I prot est against all this ; I
ing
am a geographical disciple o f a j ocular member of a
literary club which existed in L on don at the p e rio d o f
‘
our R evolutionary war who conte nde d that it is
now
become ri di culous to a dhere to the o l d divi s i on s
o f the globe
The name of E urope re mi n ds us of the
i ndelicate story o f E uropa and the b u ll Jupiter As i a
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
S
PEEC H
I NER S
ON D N
.
'
luxurious nabobs A frica o f the guinea co ast at a
time when alas ! guineas are as scarce as R oman
coins ; A merica o f tho se unnatu r al children ho are
’
fi ghting with their mother
It need n o t be said that this ingenio us t u rn put a
s t e p to the dull geographical controversy
of
,
w
,
.
.
P
GIVIN G AN D E AT IN G D INNE R S
S E E CH O N
a s of
fered
A t a feast where the follo win g to ast w
a
w
h giv
ll
g
e
o
ood di n n e r s
,
w
h
a n d to a ll
o ar e
,
.
To
i n vi te d to
”
the m ,
the gentleman called upo n to respond rem ark
ed that this sentiment was a very comprehensive o n e
embracing the two great divisions o f polite so ciety ;
in o n e o r the o ther o f which the greate s t names o f
history might b e classifie d Fo r instance at the head
o f the list o f eminent dinner givers we may arra n ge
such a name as that o f L ord C hancello r E rskine who
while sitting upon the bench used to amuse himself in
sketching tur tles upon cards with a certain day and
hour written upo n the m argin which he a s in the
habit o f passing to his friends i n court as dinner i n
vi t a t i o n s
A nd then at the top o f the list o f celebrated
diners o u t is the great D octor Johnson o f who se dis
courses sayings and repartees at table Mr Boswell
N O doubt if all the learne d
h a s made a big bo ok
wise sharp pungent and witty speeches and sayings
hich have been ma de at table were collected into
books they would fo rm a library which for wisdom
,
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T HE M O DEL S PEECH M AKE R
36
-
.
umber o f volumes woul d outrival t he famous
A lexandrian A t table men forget their formal phi
l o s o phi e s and stilted Opinions and come down to the
and there is therefore
S implicity o f nature itself ;
go o d reason for the custom practised by all polite
nations o f settling nearly all a ffairs of public o r
private interest by calling t h e p arties mo st concer n
ed together for a free and frien dly intercourse at
dinner R e v Sidney S mith when dining w ith a party
Of literary gentlemen compare d Mr C anning who
”
a s then in O ffice t o a fly in amber
N obo dy said
he cares about the fly ; the o nly question is H ow
the devil did it get there ? N or do I attack him fo r
t he love Of glory but for the love Of utility as a burgo
master hunts rats in a D utch dyke for fear it Sho u ld
flo o d a province When he is j o cular he is strong ;
when he is serious he is like S amso n in a wig C all
him a legislator a reasoner and the conductor o f the
a ffairs Of a great nation a n d i t seems to me as absurd
as if a butterfly were to teach bees to make honey
That he is an extraor dinary writer Of small poetry
and a diner out of the highest lustre I do most rea dily
admit After George S elwyn and perhaps T i ck e l l
”
there has bee n no such man for this last half century
N owhere but a t di nne r could SO free and racy a n d
unstudied and witty a criticism have fallen from the
Therefore gentlemen in
l ips Of even S idney S mith
an int ellectual so cial and critical point o f view yo u
do well to to ast tho se ho give and eat g o o d dinners
a nd n
,
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,
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,
w
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S
P
A
S E E CH O F
PEEC H
A
or
S O BE R
S
MAN
O B ER M AN
AT
bl
.
A D R IN K ING PAR T Y
-
.
I was a few years ago dining with some merry fel
low s mostly military m e n i n the city of B altimore
who were quite upro arious with deep drinking and loud
laughter ; all but o n e g e ntleman h o was O f a less
excitable temperament than the rest and who to a late
hour remained comparatively sob er O f course all
pitched at him O n e called o n him for a speech A n
other sai d N O he is no t drunk enough to make a go o d
S peech
but he shall tell an anec dote ; and S O A n e c
dote
A necdo te
rung from a do zen voice s
Well sai d the quiet gentleman your complaint of
my want of merriment reminds me of an anec dote O f
the famous General Gustavus A dolphus h o impetu
o u s l y overran the greatest part of Germany and sur
mounted every Obstacle opposed to his arms When
he was besieging Ingolsta dt his horse a s killed un der
him by a ca n no n ball H is chancellor entreate d him
no t to risk his life S O often Gustavus replie d with
warmth Y o u are always to o col d and you stop my
”
progress
True sire said th e chancellor I con
fess I am cold ; but if I did not sometimes throw a
little of my ice into your fire you woul d be burnt to
”
ashes
N ow gentlemen said he l au ghi n g what
would become O f this party if I di d no t keep sober ?
The way you go O n sto rming this army O f bottles your
leg s will soon be un der your bo die s very much in th e
’
conditi on O f General A dolphus horse under its ri der
at the battle O f Ingolsta dt and then I Shall be her e
”
like the chancellor to s u pport the fallen hero es
,
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38
THE
M O D E L S PEECH M AKER
-
P
S E E CH O N
At
.
ME TAP HY S I C S
.
dinner party in Bo ston where two o r three
men Of learning monopolized the whole time in talking
metaphysics one o f them at length banteringly asked
a young ge ntleman who h a djust graduate d if he co u ld
favor th e company with a metaphy s ical speech where
upo n the rest began thumping the table a n d calling
”
”
speech !
speech !
The gra duate go t slowly up
and said that he felt honored in being calle d upo n to
m ake a Speech on metaphysics especially in the pres
ence of SO many learne d metaphysicians as he saw
before him
H e had listened a ttentively to their
learne d and i nte r e s ti ng conversation which had r e
’
min ded hi m O f a S cotch blacksmith s definition o f
metaphysics which was as follows
Twa fouk di s
’
’
’
putin tha g i the r ; he that s l i s t e n i n disna ken what he
’
’
’
’
that s s pe a k i n means a n d he that s S p e a k i n disna ken
’
what he means himself that s metaphysics
This p alp able hit p ro duced an uproarious laugh and
the student had the tact to sit down in the mi dst of it
for nothing that he coul d a ddwoul d increa s e the repu
it
t a t i o n which he had in a S ingle minute gained as a
and a man o f sense
a
-
,
,
,
“
“
,
,
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,
,
”
.
,
,
w
.
P
S E E CH O N
S T R O NG
-
M IN DE D W O ME N
the N e w
Yo rk
the following volunteer to ast was O ffered
A t a late anniversary dinner Of o n e
s
o cieties
,
.
of
S
PEE C H O N S T RON G MI N D E D W O M EN
-
S tr ong mi n
-
le s s
d d wm
o
e
e n— m a g
the i r
s
ha do
.
w
s
e ve r
be
”
.
The gentleman who volunteered to respond sai d
t here was a remarkabl e propriety in the language O f
the latter clause o f this to ast as the stro n g minde d
women are undoubtedly a s ha dowinstead o f a warm
a n d cheerful fi r e light upo n the domestic hearth
T he y
s
are indeed s ha dow
and no t sun beams in the path Of
life and o n the threshold Of home In their co arse
and clam orous demand to be allowed to mix in elec
tions how unlike the virtuous and exemplary Madame
de L ongueville who when she was advised to appear at
C ourt in o rder t o s e t the cour t iers an example replied
I canno t set a better example than t o stay at home
Fo r women past their
and no t g o to C ourt at all
prime fo r o l d t e r mi g a n ts o r tho se Of a cracke d r e p
’
women s rights meeti n gs are natural place s
u ta t i o n
enough but for a fair a n d virtuous young girl to be
seen there is as ungraceful a sight as it would be to
see a bunch o f June ro ses growing in the mi dst Of the
i
s
and
of
a
barn
yard
I
remember
a
song
e
e
s
e
g
p g
which used to be sung when I was a b oy and it was
’
”
an Old song then called the Miller s Wife which a s
a faithful portrait o f o u r mo dern convention scolds :
,
-
,
,
-
.
,
-
,
,
.
,
,
,
’
,
,
,
,
,
-
,
,
,
-
.
,
“
,
,
M I LLE R S W IFE
’
THE
T he m i
ll l
e r
e a ds a n o i s
y li fe
.
ve r y b e s t ;
Bu t Sh o l d h e h ve a s c o l di n g
H e s s u r e t o h a ve n o r e s t
H e r t on gu e u n l i k e t h e m i ll
D oe s n e ve r m o ti on a ck
l
E
’
e n at
th e
u
a
’
,
,
,
w
T HE M O DEL S PEEC H M AKER
40
-
Fo r t h a t i s
s om e
ti m e
s s
ti
.
ll
go e s a lwys cl a ck
C l i c k cl a c k !
C l i ck c l c k !
G o o d l a ck !
G o o d l a ck !
N o r e s t h e r t o n gu e e e r fi n din g
’
ay
a y s gr i n d
ng
T i s alw
al w
i
;
s
C li pp e r cl a pp e r
C l i tt e r cl a tt e r
For al l t h e wo r l d li k e m y m ill h O p p e r
’
A n d t h e de vi l h i ms e l f ca n t s t o p h e r
Bu t S h e
a
,
,
,
a
,
’
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
”
.
P
S E E CH O N
M O DE S T W O ME N
.
When the following toast was proposed
Oa r
w ww
wth
,
w
iv
es
ts — m a g the l ove
hi ch a s
on by the i r
be a u ty be kep t fr e s h a nd p e r e nni a l by the m ode s ty tha t
”
a dor ns the i r
li ve s , a gentleman remarked that this
a nd s
ear
ee
sentiment like the to asts given to presi dents and kings
Mo desty is a
S hould be drunk s ta ndi n g and in s i l e n ce
d
ewel
beyon
price
and
beyond
the
power
Of
d
e s cr i p
j
tion In men it is the shadow O f a noble min d ; in
women it is the light Of a pure soul S t B ernard
happily styles it the jewel O f manners the sister O f
chastity the guardian Of reputation the portion O f all
”
go o dness
Diogenes the cynic philo s opher calle d
”
the col o r of vi r tu e
Ro s e
the blush o f modesty
s ays :
Fr o m e ve r y blu s h t h a t ki n dle s i n t hy ch e e k s
T e n t h o u s a n d l i t tl e l ove s a n d gr a c e s s p r i n g
T o r e ve l i n t h e r ds e s
,
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”
.
42
T HE
—hear ,
M O D EL S PEE C H M A KER
-
.
—
hear
and
preeminently
the
bard
wh
ose
(
)
name we have met this day to ho nor worshipped the
lasses O
L
oud
applause
But
the
greatest
poe
t
)
(
—
in the world whatever may be his p ower and the
R obert
power o f making love w
a s very great in
Burns— can never make love by himself H e must have
a lady to help hi m (laughter) ; and I must say that
from all my experience very go o d helps they are
(R enewed laughter ) S hakespeare has comprised under
o ne
head the lunatic the lover an d the po et ; a n d
when I first became a lover I felt convinced that
S hakespeare was right in saying that a love r was a
lunatic— (laughter) — for I w
Much
a s perfectly mad
(
—
o
laughter ) But that to ok place a long time a g
about
—
half a century but I began very young (R o ars of
laughter ) A nd Mr C hairman la dies and gentleman
—for I wish to call as many witnesses as I can to this
—
fact I found madness so delightful that I think I
never h a ve been right in my senses since— (great
l aughter)— but if ever I have had a lucid interval i t
has only been to sigh for Be dlam again and call upon
C u pi d for my keep er ( C heer s ) A very interestin g
do cument has been placed in my hand to read to you
‘
to night It is an additional verse to Green gro w
’
the rashes O composed b y R obert Burns the so n of
the great R obert Burns The lines were presented by
Mr A l e xander Maclagan au tho r o f P o ems a n d
S ongs to be repeated
In reading it I shall give as
much attentio n as I can to your S co ttish dialect a n d
”
if I m a ke mistakes pray forgive a stranger
Mr
L over then read the follo wing verse which a s r e
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S AM s me n s s
ce
r nnc u
43
.
’
i ve d with
appl a u se the talented reader s manner i n
the S cotch words creatin g considerable
setting o ff
amusement
-
Fr a e
m
T ha t
’
an s a i n s i d
e
a
’
Wh a
de a r
war k
l ve s p as s e s O ;
t l o e s hi s a i n h e
t s bl
’
ly l o e s th e las s e s O 1
th e
T h e m a n bu
G o d m a de hi s
a
u r
,
,
’
’
ar
u
id
,
Mr L over concluded by saying
A fter this o f
course it wo u ld be trespassing on yo u to s a y o n e word
more than to give the to ast and I hope that my fair
hearers will believe me when I say that never h a d
t hey a truer o r a warmer o r a more gallant lover than
”
the o n e that addresses them
(L oud cheers )
.
,
,
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,
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,
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.
.
L K S S PE E CH
’
S AM S I C
'
AT
IN G
T HE
B U RN S CE N T E N NIAL
LAS G O W
.
A t the great Burns C entennial at Glasgo w Ju dge
H aliburton (Sa m Slick) was called u pon t o read the
followin g to ast : T he S cotti s h C l e r g y
In doi n g
,
”
.
s o he said I h ave accep ted the invitatio n to appear
here to n ight with p eculiar pleasure A hundred a n d
fifty years have elapsed since my family left the bor
der s of S co tland to seek their fortune in the wilds of
A merica a n d I am th e first o f that family that has
ma de his appearance in his fatherland L —(cheers) —and
t hat yo u have been s o goo d as to call me hear to night
a s yo ur guest overpowers m e in a
that
I
cannot
a
y
“
,
.
,
,
w
-
,
T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
44
-
.
well express I have been honore d by being requested
t o pr e pose a toast which I am sure every one who hears
me will receive with a m o st cor dial a n d a ffectionate
response since i t is the clergy o f S co tland When it
was first proposed to me to g ive this to ast I confess
that I was consi derably emb arrassed : It di d no t a p
p ear to me particularly ap p ropriate that so vener a ble
so pious so z ealous and so learn e d a bo dy as the
C hurch o f S cotland shoul d be given by the humbl e
author o f S a m S lick (L aughter and loud cheers ) I
thoug ht perhaps tha t it might have been given more
appropriately by o n e nearer home and better able to
’
do justice to such a subj ect bu t a moment s reflectio n
taught m e that nothi n g w
as required o f me but to pro
p ose it because it was a to ast that spoke for itself as
the clergy had their bond o f unio n with the country in
the feelings and sympathies a n d hearts o f the people
N o thing therefore remained fo r me to do but to pro
p ose i t fo r their eulogi u m is like that beautiful i n
scription sublime from its simplicity in the cryp t o f
’
S t P aul s C athedral — the inscriptio n to the immortal
architect who raise d i t — s i m onu m e n tu m q u ee r i s ci r cu m
C
heer
In
like
manner
the
eulogium
o
f
th
e
s
s i ce
(
)
p
clergy o f S co tlan d is b e s t found in the character o f its
people in the insti tutions they have fo stered in that
compreh ensive system of education they h ave e u
c o u r a g e d which has ma de S cotlan d pre e minent a m ng
p
the nations H aving said thus much I should feel
t hat I have done all that is require d o f me but the
clergy o f the C hurch of S co tlan d are no t the whol e
S co ttish clergy for there is a very large bo dy o f S co t
.
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_
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’
S A M s m on s S
PEE CH
45
.
tish clergymen whom they have sent abro ad as learn
and as use
e d as pious as laborious a s self dc n y i n g
”
ful as any in British N orth A merica
The H on
Judge pro ceeded to describe the arduous l a bors and
trials of the S co ttish clergy in the vast territory o f
British N orth A merica covering as it did a ninth
part of the surface o f the globe a n d pro ceeded t o say
It is easy to draw delusiv e pictures as I saw o n e
drawn the o ther day by a skilful artist who address
ing t he worki ng classes o f Glasgow b ade them go to
a country where they would have a vote in the repr o
s e n t a t i o n with the safeguard o f the ballo t box where
there were no taxe s and wher e they would have a
h appier home in the wilderness
These are such
very pretty pictures that i t is a pity they are fancy
s ketches
and n o t realities (L aughter and cheers )
The p oo r settler that go es to that country yo u hear
from when he succee ds ; but do yo u ever hear from
the h u n dre ds who perish by the way who carry a
broken heart broken hopes and a broken constitutio n
to the grave ? You hear no t from th em : all you
know is that th ey have gone to A merica and t hat they
have no t written o r that their letters have n o t reach
ed yo u
I am delighted to see here the venerable a n d l earn
ed head o f the University o f Glasgow— a universi ty
so reno wned throughout the world which h as pro
du ce d s o many statesmen po ets judges l awyers and
able men a n d I am delighted also to see the R e v D r
’
M L e o d whose ac q uaintance I had the hono r and
pleasure o f making o n the o ther side o f the A tl a n ti c
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T HE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
46
-
.
where the amenities o f his manner and the elo quence
o f his pulpit oratory will long be remembe re d by t he
population through whom he passed (C heer s ) I a m
delighted to see hi m here fu rther b e cau s e he can bear
witness that wherev e r there are S cottish clergymen
you find un der their care a b o dy of men distinguishe d
for moral a n d religious feeling for frugality in dustry
and general re s p ec tability (C heer s ) I am glad to
see them further because it tells me that by the end
o f a century there has been time enough to weave that
clo ak o f charity which we a r e t o l d covers a multitu de
h
a
d
C
heer
If
that
cloak
not
been
woven
o f sins
s
(
)
by thi s time I would think little o f the clerical o r lay
weavers of Glasgow I be g l e ave to pr e p ose to you
,
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,
.
T he S cotti s h C le r g y , p r
thos e i n N or th A m e r i ca
P
S E E CH O N
At
—
di nn e r party
e s e nt a nd a
bs e nt, thos e he r e
a nd
”
.
H O NE S T
D R INK ING
.
deep drinkers i n C leveland
T o a ll ho n e s t
O hio the following to ast a s proposed
”
ho was
A gentleman o f N ew York w
dr i n ke r s
present remarked that the phr ase hon e s t dr i n ke r was
ho
a westernism which he supposed meant a man w
filled every t i me the bottle went round and ho drank
This he
t o the botto m o f his glass at every round
declared as a test o f honesty and go o d fellowship was
n o t quite fair as the q uantity o f liquor a man coul d
dri nk depe nd e d somewhat upo n the si ze o f his stomach
a
,
of
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S
A
PEEC H
o n H onE s T
D
R I NK I N G
47
.
man
canno t well drink more liquo r than he can
—
d
hol
un l ess he be a D utchman who is supposed to
hol d an uncomputable amount at least he ha dheard
o f one w
h o was cap able o f containing eight hun dred
cubic inches more o f l ager beer than the measurement
o f hi s whole bo dy !
a s some years ago with a
He w
party o f N e York p oliticians at a S tate C onvention
at Syracuse where they drank steadily from nine in
the evening until four the next morni n g The beer
was served in those high glasses which are about ten
inches in length and h e estimated that the party o f
eight persons contained about four thousand s i x
hundred and ninety eight feet o f lager But he c o n
fesse dthat he began to entertain conscientious scruples
against keeping such imbibing company much longer
’
‘
as
H e doubted if this honest drinking w
a very
hon e s t thing after all
H e a s no t sure if any o n e
’
man had a right to consume s o much o f life s good
stu ff Fo r his part he a s more inclined to the
h o when a fellow was
opinio n o f king James I w
brought to him as a curiosity because he coul d eat a
whole sheep at a meal asked What else can he do
”
more than o ther men ?
N o thing was the reply
H ang him then said the king for it is a pity a
man should live who eats the share o f twenty men
”
a n d can do no more than o n e
as
This little speech alto gether w
pleasant and
humorous and the anec do te o f king James and the
sheep eater pro duce d so deci ded a laugh that it a s
impo ssible fo r the gentleman to do better than to s top
there H ad he attempted t o make an application o f
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T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
48
-
.
the a necdo te to the comp any a l l the humo r would have
evap orated The applicatio n a s t o o p alpable to
n eed explanation
w
,
.
.
P
S E E CH O F
A
P OE T
.
literary men in N ew York a
h o a s perpe t u ally talking about the
young ve r s i fi e r w
”
‘
h o h a d often been engage dI n con
and w
a r t O f po etry
h o was at the table in
t r o ve r s y with a gentleman w
relation t o the comparative merits o f a r t and n a tu r e in
poetry O ffered the following to ast : T he a r t of p oe tr y
—m a y p oe ts n e ve r fo r g e t tha t i t i s a n a r t The gentle
n to be an advo cate for n a tu r e was
man ho w
a s k now
called upon to respo nd H e said that he felt his i n
ability to do justice to the to ast H e realized that
a s something beyond a r t
true po etry w
If it a s
a s comparatively an easy thing t o be
o nly an a r t it w
—
a po et a little book o f a hun dred pages might con
t ain it all and the ten thousand ambitious ve r s i fi e r s
who vainly try to scale the P arnassian heights might
then really make themselves poets But alas to write
go o d verses and to write go o d po etry is no t n e ce s
The verses s o far as a r t
s a r i l y t o do the same thing
is concerned may be very go o d and the po etry very
bad It is well for the poet to use art but it is not
well to let art use him if he do es it will soon enough
H ow long will it be before a r t will pr o
u s e him up
”
John A nderson my JO John
duc e such son g s a s
A t a dinner party
,
of
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T HE
M O D EL S P E ECH M AKER
-
.
.
and S pon dees that they are poets The a ncients
held poetry to be the language o f their go ds — let u s
no t degra de it by a dmitting it to be th e language of
mere rhetoricians a n d verse mongers L et us believe
something better of th e G o dgift than to say be has it
who o nly writes some verses and runs away with hi e
’
neighb or s wife T o be a p oe t is to stand in the inner
temple o f natur e and see how the worl d is m a de ! I t
is to hear whi spers from the sky and converse a lone
face t o face with the angel forms of truth
Tel l me no t that this sallow visage d fellow w
ho
comes this way with a face thatche d all over ith i m
”—
n ce
d
a n d rhyme
this
mere
wor
juggler
d
e
u
i
n
l
e
p
g g r
is a poet H e has disowned n ature a n d nature di s
owns him The Greeks called their po ets cr e a tor s a n d
’
i n E ngland as late as Ben Jonson s day the ha r d was
”
called the m a ke r
A nd this was not un dersto o d to
mean a mere maker o f r hym e s and m i s chi ef but a sub
a s supposed to appro ach
lime creative genius who w
nearer than any other mortal to the creative p o wer Of
The Office o f the po et is thu s set forth by
divinity
H esio d
bics
.
-
.
-
,
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-
w
,
“
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-
-
-
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,
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,
“
.
,
,
.
Tis
ou r s
Or
gi ve
to
s
p e k t he
a
t h e fa c e
Of
T r u th i n
l g ge pl
an
u a
T r u th t o W h a t
wf i g
e
e
ai n
n
,
”
.
A ll the g reat p oets o f antiqu i ty regar ded the ability
to do this as an I N S P I RA TI ON rathe r than an a r t
’
e x c i ta r a
di vi n e
C icero called it
flfi e n ti s vi s i ba s
,
.
,
”
intellectual
enthusi
a s m thi s
fi
Spiritu al and divine a ffla t u s is what a r t can never
teach But there is a sense in which art belong s to
sp
i r i tu
.
a
a
ti
.
An d this
,
S
PEE CH
or
A JU D G E
51
.
po etry and in which the po et must u s e art t o transmit
in pleasi n g forms the sublime and beautiful i deas
that are flashing thr ough his brain But the way that
Go d made and bo ok ma de poets employ art is as
The latter
di fferent as NA TU RAL from a r tific i a l flowers
may have a resemblance t o the former but it has no th
ing o f its a r om a The one throws ro s es o n his pre
c e p t s t o conceal their harshness while the o ther sca t
ters his precepts in the mi dst of ro ses The o n e gives
us delightful images which teach no thing and are
therefore insipid just as beauty without sense leaves
disgust behind it ; the o ther puts truth i fi t o delightful
images t o charm us H is images are n o t m a de to i n
struct but he puts instruction into them to please
Thus gentlemen yo u may as easily kno w the true
po ets from their counterfeits as yo u can distinguish
ro ses gro wing in their native fields from the gau dy
paper flowers which are hung up to catch fli es i n sum
mer
,
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P
S E E CH O F
At
A
U
J D GE
.
publ ic dinner in N ew O rleans the followi n g
t o ast was pr e posed
T he j u di ci a r y— m a y i t e ve r r e
m a i n the i n de p e nde n t p a lla di u m of j u s ti ce a nd the s u r e
”
h
e l i be r ti e s
s u pp or t o
t
t
h
e
e
l
e
A
distinguished
o
f
of
p p
judge was called up to respo nd H e said that to o gre a t
importance coul d no t be attached to the s e ntiment
p roposed
Whatever ten ded to render the j udiciar y
a
,
,
.
.
.
52
M O DEL S PEE CH M AKER
T HE
-
dependent
.
upo n the fav or Of in dividuals o r u pon the
varying caprices of p artisan politic s was a step towar ds
a y fo r assaults upon the
its depravity a n d Opened the w
spirit o f enlightened liberty There is much in the
ancient hi s t o r v o f courts Of justice which may teach
us to shun some o f the quicksan d upo n which the ju di
c i a r y barque is in danger Of foun dering at the present
da y
When C leon w
a s cho sen ju dge in L a c e de m o n
he sent for all those with whom he h a d contracted
particular frien dship and tol d them he must reno u nce
all especial intimacy as it was impossible that such
friendship sh ould no t bias the min d a n d ren der it le s s
stern in the execution o f justice When A ristides the
Just sat as judge in a cause where the plainti ff t o p r e j
u di c e A risti des I n his favor began with saying that
the defendant always acted in oppo sition to A risti des
A ristides interrupted him saying
My frien d you
forget yourself ; state your case for it is you r case I
”
am t o try and no t my o wn
When th is just ju dge
A ristides once issued o u t a process against an a dve r
sary the judges co ndemned the accused without hear
ing him speak o n account Of the spo tless C haracter of
the plainti ff ; but A ristides himself remonstrate d a n d
thre himself at their feet entreating them n o t to
wrong the laws o r do anything by way of compliment
to him which might b e use d as an example to pervert
j u stice Brutus put his t w
o sons to death who had
broken the laws in o r der to Show the R omans that
the swor d of justice shoul d kno w no partiality It is
fo r this reason that the go d dess o f justice I S painted
a s blind with a sword in her hand to signify that she
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S
k no
PEE C H O F A LA W Y ER
w
s no t
53
.
her favorites but i n fle xi bl y strikes for the
just cause When the po et S i monides went to The
m i s t o cl e s while he was sitting as ju dge and a s ke d hi m
something that was no t just Themisto cles replie d
Thou woul dst be an ill poet if thy lines ran co ntrary
to the rul es o f a r t a n d I should be an ill governo r if
”
I granted what was contrary to the laws
To dis
pense justice without fear a n d without partiality is the
highest duty a mortal can be calle d upon to perform
A n d the less you make that high and responsible O fll c e
dependent upon the fickle and selfish accidents o f
mere p artisan will the s afer will be the liberties Of the
people
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A
L AW YE R
.
When T he l e g a l p r ofe s s i on was given a s a to ast
a l awyer remarked that there w
a s n o profession which
h a d been the victim of so many j ibes and taunts as t he
legal T here is an O l d saying that
,
.
,
NO
ro
g
u e
’
e e r
l
l
w
w
fe t th e h a t e r dr a
W i th g o o d O p i n i o n
of
the l a
,
”
.
A nd he suppo sed that n o man ever fel t the halter draw
r s
with go o d Opinion of the l a w
That
migh
be
the
e
t
y
reason why lawyers had been so much abuse d But i t
was certain that no o ther p rofession h a dever contained
anything like the number o f great and just m e n that
the legal profession c a n b o ast o f T o go b a ck t o
.
.
.
,
54
M O D E L S PEEC H M AKER
T HE
-
.
a s the first lawyer o f the Jew s
a n cient days Mose s w
Trismegistus O f the E gyptians S olon of the A thenia n s
L ycurgus O f the L a ce de m o n i a n s A n a cha r s i s of the
In dee d
S cythians N uma P ompilius o f the R omans
nearly all the great names in the history of all na t ions
were l awyers A n d what would the history o f o u r
e were to strike from i ts
ow
n country be worth if w
pages the names o f all who were members of the legal
profession ? O u r A da m s e s J e ffe r s o n s Websters C al
h o u n s C lays were la w
yers There was a time in the
early history o f o u r co untry when comparatively few
were sent to o u r legislatures except lawyers C ompare
the character of o u r legislation then with what it is at
the present day N e w
laws n o come upon us thick an d
fast and quite as destr u ctive o f privat e and public pro p
e r ty as the vermin that o nce descen ded up on the
The L o crians
domains o f K ing P haraoh in E gypt
or dained a statute that any man w
ho shoul d offer to
i ntro duce a n e wl a wshould come into the market
place with a rope abo ut his neck a n d repeat before
the people what n e w
law he p r oposed a n d if no t agreed
to he was imme diately strangle d for his arrogance
N ow would no t this b e a go o d way to r i d our country
at o nce of the legion list Of new a n d pernicious laws
a n d o f the illiterate r a g g a m u fli n mob who make them
Think o f the time i t takes to qualify a man to become
a competent expounder O f the law an I then ju dge of
the learning a n d wis dom which the law maker s should
po s sess ! The fearfu l extent to which law fail s in thi s
country is undo ubte dly owing to the ignorance and
r le g islative bo dies
artisan
recklessness
o
f
The
o
u
p
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-
.
S
hich I propo se
w
55
.
gentlemen is that o u r legis
ta tu r e s s ho ul d have a larger infu s ion of lawyers and
a less number of tinkers and political C harlatans
It is the legal profession which has in all ages s he d
the greatest lustre upon so cial philo sophy and legisla
tive sci e nce L o rd Bacon was a lawyer S o was S i r
E dward C oke who se sturdy Oppo sition to a despo tic
king preserved the purity o f the laws and transmitted
them to us in hi s immortal P etitio n o f R ights and i n
his dige s ts are decisions which will be lights to latest
i
r William Jones was a l awyer and s o
S
s te r i tv !
o
p
In deed in past ages as well
a s S i r S amuel R omilly
w
as at the pres e nt time the greatest and purest minds
o f all n a tions have belonged to the legal profession
r
emedy
PEE C H O F A P U N S T ER
,
,
,
,
.
.
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,
“
,
.
,
,
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A t a table
A
PUNS T E R
.
w
merry wa g s a famous punster a s
ca lle d upo n for a speech o n the m or a li ty of p u n n i ny
H e began by saying he could easily enough prove
the m o rality o f pa nn i ng becau se all morality de
pen ded up on the just p u n i s hm e n t Of those w
ho broke
the laws ; but while he coul d do this he could no t
—
make a Speech he never attempted to make a spe e ch
in all h i s life a n d he fe lt very m u ch as he shoul d think
a fish would feel o u t of water in fact it was a very
s ca l
t
s
s
h
a
d
busine
in
those
who
forced
him
to
try
o
y
”
make 2 speech
A nd then fixing his eye u pon a spo t
Of grease o n the chins of two o r three o f the p arty
of
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
M O D E L S PEE CH M AKER
THE
-
.
he added it is especially to o ba d to expect a po o r
u nlearned man like me to make a s pe e ch to such a
bo dy o f learned Grecians as this
What ! we Gre
”
eia u s exclaimed sever al o f the party
Yes sai d
he some o f you at least are Grecians fo r I see i t in
’
y o ur fac e s !
cried the party that won t
O h ! Oh
”
do — that is to o far fetched
N
said the p unster
it cann o t be very far fetched for I ma de it on the
s
o t and I am su r e th at it was not fe tche d farther than
p
from the kitch e n as I could prov e if you would
But th e n I will no t
a llow me to summo n the co ok
insist u pon this fo r co oks are for the most part a
s a u cy p eople and this one might take it into her hea d
and besides in this s u m m e r
t o g ive us a ta s te of hers
the smell Of co oks is no t always the most
w
e a the r
”
”
This summer weather ! exclaimed th e
a g reeable
party ho w do yo u make that o u t in the middle o f
”
”
D ecember ?
Why said the wit from the very
a l lo w
s I have seen here I though t
great number o f s w
”
”
it must be summer
S O s o sai d one O f the i m bi b
ers you mean to ha u l u s ove r the coa l s fo r drinkin g
I woul d n o t
O h no replied the wag
s o much
ou l d be a l l i n
do that for the world for then the fa t w
d
b
e
the
and
as
this
is
only
Mo
nday
that
woul
re
fi
cruelly anti cipating the awful unlucky fr y da y which
d
d
have
such
goo
d
reason
to
dread
I
say
to
rea
u
o
;
y
gentlemen for if your past career has b een like you r
present conduct (fixing his eyes o n the carcasses o f a
brace o f ducks) you must have pra ctised a great de a l
o f fl a t p l a y in your tim e
“
,
”
“
.
.
,
“
,
,
,
,
”
“
,
-
.
“
,
-
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
“
.
,
“
“
,
,
-
.
,
,
”
,
“
,
,
,
,
,
,
-
,
,
,
.
58
M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
THE
-
.
goo d when yo u heard them but that was probably so
long ago that I expect the fun has pretty much all
’
evaporated now Fun don t keep well in some peopl e
—like wine it easily Spoils in bottles that are lo osely
”
corke d
,
,
.
,
.
P
A WINE B IBB E R
S E E CH O F
-
.
famous wine bibber w
h o was called upo n to favor
the company with a speech o n the drink o f the g o ds
declared that no mortal lips coul d ever describ e the
j oys o f go o d wine F or his part he was no t rash
e nough to attempt it but with the permission o f the
’
co m pany he woul d recite C o wley s exquisite tips:
l ogic in praise o f drinking
T h e thi r s t y e a r th s o a k s u p th e r a i n
A n d d i n k s a n d g p e s fo d i n k a g i n
T he pl a n t s s u c k i n t h e e r t h a n d a r e
W i t h c o n s ta n t dr i n k i n g fr e s h a n d f i r
A
-
,
”
“
,
.
,
,
“
,
r
a
,
r
a
T he
wh i
l
i ts e f,
se a
l
s a nd r
fil l e d t h t th y
Th b sy s
( d
By S d k fi y f
i
e
u
’
u
one
er
a ce
,
e n
h
t
e
p
T he m o o n
T he
an
ru n
D r i n ks
T he
u n
s e a, a nd
a nd s
y di k
y di k
o e r
a n d da n c e
r n
and r e
ve l
Bu t
te
r na
no
wh
b
l h e l th g
a
l
e ss
kup
e
he
fo u
)
’
do n e ,
s
the s u
ir
the n i
e r
.
e ss
e n
al l
N o t hi n g
cu
ou
by t h
’
i n n a tu r e s s o
an e
w p
w l d gh
t a r s dr i n
r n
p,
th e
u
flo
e
,
d o f dr i nk ,
ve r s
a
.
n
ou
ne e
'
SO
w l d thi k
ch , o n e
l le
.
,
a
S h o u d h a ve bu t i t t
Dr i n ks t e n th o u
a
r
o
n
w l i gh t
gh t
nd
,
o e s r ou n d
.
n
.
.
A S
ON G I N S T EA D O F A
F il l u p t he
F i ll a ll th e
S
PEE C H
59
.
b owl th e n fill i t hi gh
gl as s s t h e f w
hy
S ho l d v y c
t e di k b t I ?
W hy m n of m o l s te ll m e w
hy !
u
e
e r
,
,
e r
e
ra
,
r n
u
,
P
A
S O NG IN S TE AD O F
N othin g enlivens
or
-
re a u r
e
,
A
,
S E E CH
.
dinner party more than an o cca
s ioual song especially when the company is s o well
warmed with wine as to become a little impatient at
the restraints necessarily impo sed in listenin g t o
speeche s Under such circumstances e o nce heard
the following song sung by a western M ember O f
’
C ongress at Willard s i n W ashingto n :
a
~
-
,
w
.
.
,
Do
no t as k
Wh y I
l
a
’
Ti s
not
p
b
e
A n d da r e
Ti s ,
at
t
’
r
Ev
wo
rs
Smi
w
ly bl
l
ll
o
l
s,
wn :
b e au ty
t h a t cr own
w
’
rs
k n owm y
n e ve r n a m e
t , bu t h e
l
r
du t
g
e s ands a
y
s
pr i g
n
,
g
.
y g
f
f l be
de n i n
ar
ly y g
s,
y
th e
th e t hi n
d y o u t hu s e
y
m i nu t e
e nt
fl in
s ho u
y
s,
ho d the
O f t h os e flo
’
T i s t o— bu t I
’
Phi lli
y ou h e r e al o n e ,
i nks a nd i i e
of
r os e s n e
to
mi ng
e ad
By th i s b n k
A n d of
ch a r
me ,
m a ke
,
u
,
u se
of
me
.
W h a t th e s u n do e s t o t h o s e r o s e s
W h i l e t h e b e a m s pl a y s w
e e t ly i n ;
,
I
wo u l d
—bu t m y fe a r
A n d I dar e
no t n a m e
o
pp
os e s ,
t h e th i n
g
.
T HE M O EL PEECH M AKER
I)
S
D
Y e t I di e i f I
-
c o n ce a
l it
.
y ow
n ;
e ve l i t
h t l ove s do l o n e
T hi k w
d li li e s
O n t hi s b n k o f p i k s
Mi ght I s p e k wh t I w
o l d do
Iw
o l d — wi th m y l ove ly P hi l li s
Iw
o ld —
I w
o l d l —Ah ! w
ou l d y o u
y
A s k my e e s , or
A nd i f n e i th e r c a n
n
a
as k
r
,
a
n
a
ou r
a
r
a
,
.
an
a
,
u
,
u
u
u
P
A SAI L O R
S E E CH O F
?
.
w
h w
A facetiou s sea captain an Ol d tar withal
o
-
as
a s complimentary
sk e d t o respond t o a toast which w
to a sea faring life began by saying that he had no t
much to say in favor o f the sailor H e is a quarrel
ome fello w at best who only studies to di sp u te with
t h e tempests and is o f such a r ank a n d brackish dis
p osition that he is always i n a p i ck l e with his best
friends H e is a mere time server to o always o n the
i n d and his ambitio n is more rest
watch fo r a fa i r w
less than that O f a scurvy politician for he is always
cl i m bi n
and
stri
v
in
g
to
get
above
his
equals
H
e
is
a
g
although every
s elf contra dictory creature t o o ; for
bo dy knows him t o be br a ve yet he is ever flyi ng be
for e his fo e and dreads no thing S O much as to have
hi s a dversary he a d him o ff and meet him In the face
An d though hi s heart is as warm as no o n i n t he
tropics yet the i ntelligence that gui des his action s i s
Tho ugh he
s o c old that it p oints only to the north
i s pr ou d o f hi s country he is always a b a ndoning it
,
a
“
-
,
.
S
.
,
,
-
.
,
,
,
-
,
.
-
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
S
PEE C H
or
A T A I LOR
(l
.
for o ther lands and although he is vain of his ho no
he ride s only a wo o den horse into every por t But t o
is a hearty friend a zealous lo ver a n d will never fo r
sake o n e i n distress so long as he can keep his dec k
”
above water
,
.
,
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A T AI L O R
.
In order to call o u t a witty tailo r this to ast was
”
H e sai d that
O ffered
T he n i n th p a r t of a m a n
to call a tailor the ninth p art of a man was to make
all o ther men a still smaller fraction fo r the tai l or i s
powerful enough to make even the p r o u de s t o f men
serve his interest and he is cunning enough to thr i ve
’
even u pon o ther men s va n i ti e s H is charity like the
mercy of heaven cove r s a multitu de o f sins and his
pro fe s sion leads hi m as far as possible to hi de the
faults of mankin d Those who m nature has slighted
he makes perfect H e has S uch an eye to beauty t hat
eve n in his bi l ls he imitates the birds o f P aradise an d
is so virtuous withal th at he turns even the e x tr a v
a e nce o f o ther men to go o d a cco u n t
What i ndecent
g
Spectacles all men would b e but for the tailors !
Wh a t
more can be said in praise O f tailors than the fact
that the y flourish most in those communities which are
celebrated fo r their civilizatio n a n d respectability
H is profession too is the Ol dest o n earth as it dates
a s far ba ck as the gar den o f E den where after the
de vil had ruined o u r first p arents by exposing their
,
“
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
2
-
.
nakedness a tailor did al l he could to r ep a i r the mi s
chief and make them as decent as possi ble by ingen
i o u s l y constructing garments o u t of fi g leaves Finally
gentlemen so goo d a man is the tailor that if his yar d
stick sometimes interferes with the rights o f o thers he
do es no t selfishly confine the benefits to himself but
do es all in his power to satisfy the reasonable wants
h o appeal to him for cha rity
H e en deavor s
o f those w
to s he e r o u t o f the way o f sin to cu t bad company and
devo te his life to the study o f m e n and m e a s u r e s
,
,
,
-
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A fireman who Spoke
A
FI RE MAN
.
in
response t o a to ast to the
fire department said that there is n o profession in
which everybo dy Ought to feel a deeper interest than
’
’
he fi r e m a n s H e is the city s sentinel that keeps
watch over life and property while o thers sleep a n d
if he should kick the bucket nobo dy coul d s leep in
safety The firemen are a volunteer army w
ho shed
no blo o d and share no spoils and yet they conquer
t h e most terrible and u ng u e ncha hl e fe e that ever a
The machine is the
s ol diery met in b attle array
mo st glorious piece of workmanship ever invente d
for it preserve s what all o ther machine s pro duce It
”
throws col d water on i n ce n di a r y strife an d qu e n che s
the fla m e s that are kin dled by malice a n d reve n ge
’
But for the fi r e m a n s hos e even the fair l a dies would
no t long have hos e to wear and that I expect is the
,
,
,
.
,
”
“
,
.
,
,
.
,
.
“
,
.
,
S
PEE C H
A WE D D I NG
AT
(33
.
w
eason hy every fireman is so quick t o obey the call
Of the be lle s But as 1 am no speech maker gentl e
men all o w me to clo se by repeating this well known
’
fi r e m a n s to ast
May his co at be water pro of his
flesh be fi r e pro of his bo nes be fracture pro of and his
s i r i ts be o u r th r oo
p
f
p
r
-
.
,
,
-
,
-
,
-
-
,
,
P
W E DD ING
S E E CH A T T H E
OF
A MR
.
G RAVE
.
In the year o f our L ord 18 58 a Mr William Grave
Of Mobile married his cousin a Miss Melin da Grave
A fter his
o f some town in the interior o f A labam a
ma r/riage and o n his return to Mobile h e gave a
S plendid feast to several Of his bachelo r frien ds at
which a gentleman celebrated fo r his wit was called
up fo r a speech Wi th a solemn face h e commenced
rebuking the party for m anifesting such irreve r ent
mirth o n so g r a ve an o ccasion as the one which had
called them together The extraor dinary marriage of
o u r friend teaches us the great lesso n that history i s
—
always rep r o ducing itself for mo re than a century
ago a C apt William Grave of the British army mar
rie d a Mi s s Grave and a a g o f that day ho nored the
o ccasion with the following epigram
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
w
.
,
,
,
T he
g r a ve s
W he n
B u t, i f G
Ad
,
ti s
l
d pl
s ai
t he
as
o
e as e
oz e n
No
’
d,
wi ll y i
l i vi ng
f
fr o m
o llce s
wmy friends whil e y
,
,
e
l d th
e
i r de a d,
k e s t h e Sk i e s
G r a ve s l i k e th e s e
t tr u m pe t
,
,
s ha
may
ou
r ise
,
”
.
seem inclined to be mer
64
M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
T HE
-
.
assure
you
that
I
feel
like
peaking
reverently
s
I
y,
a n d hopefully of t h e bl e s se d memory of our departed
r
who has foun d an e a r l y a n d an ho n o r e d g r a ve
and what seems a contra dictio n like the patriarch of
‘
’
tr a n s l a te d without seeing death
o l d was
We trust
that our worthy frien d fully obeye d the s ublime i n
’
j unction contained i n the closing lines o f Bryant s
Thanatopsis
ba che l o r
,
,
,
,
.
G o,
n ot
S cou
r
By
Li k
li k
ge d t o h i s
a n u n fa
on e
e
Ab o
u
th e q u
e
lt
du n
e r in
W ho
y lv
-
wp
r a
a ndl e s
s a
ge o n ;
g tr u s t
i
t hi m ,
ar r
s
e
a t ni
bu t ,
r
down t o p
,
s u s ta i n e
thy g
a pp r o a ch
,
t h e dr a p e
gh t
l
y
d a n d s o o th e d
r a ve
,
o f h i s c o u ch
e a s an t
dr e a m s
.
Gentlemen allo w me to prop ose a sentiment
To
the memo ry of our departed ba che l or : peace be to him
in the bo som o f the grave
This to ast was drank with all the honors ; after
which the devout company sang these t o lines
“
,
”
.
w
T h ou h a s t
Bu t
An d then ,
go n e
i ll
ww
e
not
t o t hy
de
ware glad to say
e
P
S E E CH O N
pl o
,
G r a ve ,
re
th e
e
.
they went home
P R IZ E FIGHT ING
-
.
.
The sentiment of T he m a nl y a r t (f f defe nce
was given at an entertainment where as there was no
professor o f that art pre s ent a gentleman was called
upon h o a s celeb rated for his learni ng o n almost
sel
,
ww
,
,
-
66
THE
M O D EL S P E E CH M AKER
-
.
a r fought for liberty a n d the malefacto r s
captives o f w
fo r life
The éclat which followe d th e victors in these
conflicts s o intoxicate d those in better life that gra du
ally persons o f distinction were in duce d to enter for
gla diatorial prizes The tyr ant N ero once compelle d
a thousand kni g hts a n d s e na tor s i n o n e day to grace hi s
shows and to cut slash and slay o n e another for his
amusement Modern civilization o r rather a nci vi l i z a
tion is in debte d entirely to the E nglish fo r raising
from the dead an amusement which was born o f bar
ba r i s m a n d died with barbarism
It lay burie d for
centurie s until the refined E ngli s h natio n happily
It
a ccomplished its resurrection into the p r i z e r i ng
i s the refined E nglish natio n that n o wdictates the
laws o f this genteel and pleasant amusement which
indee d is practi sed no where o u t o f Great Britain ex
cept in the United S tates ; a nd in this country it is
confine d to a few foreign thieves in o u r largest cities
and to the C ongress o f the United S tates A gentle
man from Virginia and o n e from Wisconsin lately
attempted to revise the code o f the congressional
prize ring but without much success ; and E nglan d
r oud E ngland— still remains the happy lawgiver t o
p
th e gladiators
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
-
.
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
-
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A celebrated
s
peak
in
AN
AC T O R
.
w
erican actor ho was invited to
response to a to ast to hi s profession declar e d
Am
,
,
S
PEEC H O F AN A C T OR
67
.
w
hat it a s i mpossible for hi m ever to think O f his
p rofession without experiencing mingled feelings o f
pri de and pain ; o f p r i de at the glorious o rigin and
e arly triumphs o f the st a g e a n d O f a i n at much of its
p
later history There is no profession that ought to
command more respect a n d admiratio n than that o f an
actor ; fo r there is none that requires a greater as
s e m bl a g e o f all the powers o f genius
T o be a great
actor a man must p ossess the taste and feeling of the
p o et the judgment of the philo sopher and the skill o f
the painter ; for there is an art o f coloring peculiar
t o po etry and acting which though in some respects
i t may be di fferent from that of pain t ing is yet to be
con ducted by the same kind o f rules We require of
each the same strength o f tints and the same di s t i n c
tions in the distribution o f the brightness and Sha dows
the same caution in the softening o f lights and the
same art in throwing Objects to a distance or in bri n g
ing them immediately un der the eye
The actor
especially like the p ainter must be a master o f this
i ng e n i o u s th e o r y of sha dows the skilful application
Of which i s by an insensible gra dation to conduct the
eye from the first and mo st striking part of the p icture
to whatever lies obscured in shades behind L ike the
r must hav e a ddres s
ai
nter
and
the
po
et
the
playe
p
i
p
a
a n d precisio n to give the true strength to every
s a ge in h i s part a n d to convey the sentiments delivered
to hi s care in their proper force a n d beauty n o r are
the s e qualifications les s necessary to him in dictati n g
the proper gesture s which are to accompany the e x
res
io
n
and
in
forming
o
nly
his
countenance
but
n
o
t
s
p
t
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
s
,
,
,
68
T HE
M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
-
.
his whole p e rson according t o the nature o r bl a g o
station and character of the person he represents
i
th 0
What is an actor but a p a n te r of cha r a cte r
tone s of his voice the e xpressions of his face hi s
ge s tures a n d the attitudes o f his bo dy bei n g the light s
a n d sha des with which he accomplishes the di fficul t
task o f finishing his picture ? What feel in g what
t aste what imagination what judgment are necessary
for so great a n undertaking
Shakespeare was an a c
to r and in classic antiquity men o f the first rank in
life the masters of all the polite arts O f learning
were often actors N or di d some of their principal
po ets though they were the first men o f the age think
i t beneath them to go upon the stage and take parts
in their o w
n plays
It a s somethin g t o be a n acto r
when Tully patronized the stage and plead the cause of
R oscius a n dwhen E S O p i u s was sought after by the s e
c i e ty of the wise a n d great
It is no t a place here to trace o u t the causes which
have led to a decline o f the stage enough to say th at
tho se causes lie outside a n d back of the stage in
the character of so ciety itself T he st a ge is always
what the p opular taste makes it A lthough it may
exert a power upon the popular taste yet popular t a ste
is omnipotent and exerts a greater power upon it
Financial success is the touchstone by which everything
in life is trie d If the theatrical ma n ager puts his
piece s upon the stage in a styl e above the general
popular taste and morality he makes as great a n u s
take financially as if he fell below the popular stan d
ar d
H is obj ect is to hit the mi ddle ground a n d to
a
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S
PEEC H O F
AN
A e r on
(Sf)
.
make his theatre j u s t as moral a s the average taste of
To suc cee d the do o r of the theatre
s o cie ty requires
must be built upon a level with the do or o f the church
The same people support the o n e that support the
o ther There may be fractions o f so ciety who fancy
they go above and o ther fractions w
h o fall below the
great medium standard of taste and morality ; but i t
is to the m a s s e s that all institutions have to lo ok fo r
support — the chu r ch no t less than the the a tr e A nd
it is un doubte dly mo re from a s pirit of rivalry than
anything el s e that the two are arrayed in such violent
Opposition to each o ther It is a m isfortune to so ciety
that this is so for the theatre might b e and ought to
be an omnipo tent support to the cause o f virtue by
ridiculing and scourging the vices o f the world A s a
teacher and director o f the popular taste the the a tre
pos s es s es every advantage over the pulpit n o t only
because it s peaks six times as Often but every depart
ment o f logic and eloquence is Open to its use while
the pulpit is limited to the single range o f fo rmal and
dignified utterance A clergyman o nce asked Gar
rick ho wit a s that actors controlled the sympathies
o f the i r audience so much better than clergymen
Be
”
cause replied the actor
e utter fiction as though
it were truth while you utter truth as though it wer e
”
fiction
.
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w
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T HE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER
70
-
P
S E E CH O F
A
A t a drinking p arty
RE D
-
.
HE AD E D MAN
of
.
merry frien ds where one O f
a s a man o f wi t and learning and r e d
the nu mber w
headed withal the following toas t was given
T o the
ma n w
i th the m os t br i l li a n t he a d
A nd the party to
a s directed insta ntly rose and
whom the sentiment w
sai d I have t o thank you gentlemen for the very
great compliment o f being designated the br i l li a n t m a n
o f such a company o f wits and scholars as I see before
me A nd I sup p o se I am indebted for this distin
i
h
d
u
e
favor
in
part
to
the
brillia
n
t
color
of
my
s
g
ha i r which has in all a ges been held such a sign of
certain mental and physical activities that it h a s
always been coveted and envi ed by tho se who have
been less favore d by P rovi dence In classic antiquity
r e d ha i r w
a s deemed an indispensable accompaniment
to the highest g ifts of genius a n d beauty It was hel d
by the classic po ets t o be the chief ornament o f the
fair sex It was supposed to give a lustre to all o ther
accomplishments in na t u re a nd was s o admire d and
covete d that every o n e strove to imitate it by art
where n atur e had no t bestowed it o n them A ll the first
emi nent painters as A ppelles E u chi o n Melanthus a n d
N i ch o m a chu s prized this color for the hair in their
p ortraits o f fai r and beautiful women above all
o thers The r e d ha i r o f the stately S abina P e pp e a
who w
a s held the most acco m plished and beautiful
woman in the worl d in her dav w
a s co n s i de r e d t h e
chief ornament o f he r beauty t h e great queen o f
be a uty C leopatr a had her charms illumin ated by thi s
-
,
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“
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P
S EE
CH OF A
RE D
-
HEA D E D M AN
1
.
’
hi gh tint o f nature s preferences as L ucian testifi e s
his P harsalia
,
L
wi th p l
a de n
e ar s ,
O n he r
Her
r e
s no
T hr o u
d ha i r ,
wy b
gh t h e
w in
the
r i ch s e a - s
p oi l e d s to
r e as
ts
re
,
we a r y n e ck s h e w
o e
t h e i r wh i t e n e s s di d di s pl a y
and
r
t hi n S i do n i a n t i ffa n
y
in
.
,
”
.
’
uch repute in T u r tu l l i a n s time and
in the days o f S t H i e r o m that even artificial r e d w
as
re s or ted to j ust as people o f bad taste fly to black dyes
now P ublius L entulus in his famous epistle to the
R oman S enate written from Jerusalem among other
bo dily perfections which he assured the m were p os
sesse d by o u r S aviour described his hair a n d bear d as
being r e d; a n d I recollect that o n e of the most learn e d
o f the S panish theologians argued from this color o f
’
a s undoubte dly alluded to
the S aviour s hair that he w
in t h e following passage in the bo ok of Isaiah
W ho
is he that cometh from the R e d L a n d
’
A nd gentlemen are we t o suppo se that the C reator s
hand has not labelled his works correctly ? D oes he
no t br i ll i a n tly label the most br i l l i a n t pieces o f hi s
?
han dywork
D o no t the excellencies of the creation
resemble the r e dhe a d in the brilliancy o f their ti n ts
Is not fi r e the most aspiring and agile of all bo die s
r ed
Is no t the sun the sovereign physical majesty of
the material heavens clo thed in the same tran s cen dent
brightnes s ? An d when it puts o n its most triumphant
glory to greet the rising moo n a n d a gain to bi d go o d
night t o the departing da y does it n o t array itself i n
What is the colo r o f the J u ne
r o b e s O f g or g e ou s r e d
R e d hair
as
S
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T HE M O D E L S PEECH M AKER
2
-
.
rose s ? o f the most o dorous pinks ? o f the charmin g
flowers that lo ad the air wi t h perfume in summer ?
R e d!
What are the distinguishing tints o f the r a i n
bowhung in the heavens as a S ign o f safety t o man ?
R e d gentlemen !
O n the o ther hand let me ask you gentlemen of
—
b
l
a
k
h
a
r
c
i
h
what is
t e emblem
o f the grave ! o f
death ! o f mourning ! It is the garment o f cats ! o f
Among what nation s
s ! and is the color o f mud !
cr e w
do r e d he a ds most prevail ? A mong the intelligent
Germans the artistic French a n d Italians the refined
E nglish a n d A mericans ! Where are black hea ds uni
versal ? A mong the cann i bal N egroes o f A frica a n d
the Tartars o f A sia ! Who ever saw a r e dhe a de dn e g r o
’
except where the fellow s thievish mother found an
Opportunity t o steal the color from the head o f some
white man ! N obo dy gentlemen R e d is the color
for he a ds for r os e s as well as for the checks o f m a i de n s
This speech o f course coul d not fail to set t he
tabl e roaring especially as the i t had been rallied
u pon the color o f his hair
,
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,
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P
S E E CH O F
AN
OLD
L O VE R
.
h o was about t o marry a
A man sixty years ol d w
a s calle d o u t t o r es po nd
vo un g lady o f twenty six w
‘ h e following to ast :
—
T
h
e
e
l
i
h
t
s
d
o
v
w
l
o
e
m
a
e
o t
g
f
g
t
h
e
m
H
e
said
A
ge
has
l
l e ve r be too O l d to e n o
e
s
s
j y
,
,
-
,
”
t o dc
w
i h
t
.
the
ca
p a ci ty
of
“
,
lo vi ng
than
w im
e
a
gin
e
.
T HE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
74
-
.
ev e r a n d can never be describe d L anguage i s t o o
gro ss a n d heavy to defi n e so et hereal a flame It is
like l i g ht a thing which everybo dy knows but which
nobo dy can explain A n old artist t ried to paint a
s i g h but nobo dy ever attempted to draw the passion
o f love
W e may say it is an expande d so ftness of the
heart drawn o u t and kept alive by a consc i ousness of
sympathies congenial with o u r o w
n !
We may say i t
i s like bli s s s e t to m u s i c — where two hearts like two
exquisite lyres strung to the accompaniment o f one
delightful sound vi brate in delicious harmony
Bu t
all in vain ! The greatest orator the mo st enrapture d
poet is incapable o f describing lo ve as even the
humblest swain may be capable of feeling a n d enj oy
ing it An d this love gentlemen has no such te dious
It i s in the s o u l
ca lendar of time as y o u call ye a r s
and the soul is immortal Instead o f dying o u t with
age it becomes settled and fixe d in the heart like the
y light of a fixed star L ove in an Old man i s
s tea d
no t like hotfi r e in the veins burning up the blo o d but
like w
i ne coursing up and down through all the chan
’
nels of being like rivers of delight In K nowles
play of The Wife there is this passage des crip ti ve
o f the supreme reign o f love in the faithful heart
n
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,
”
“
,
Fe r r a r do
.
Ma r
Fe r
.
Ma r
.
he
In
.
of
wh o m
s
u
o
y
pe k
Ma ntu a ?
di d l i ve
a
,
in
.
,
pl
a ce
My h e a r t !
By l
r
,
,
Wha t
.
e s
Ma ntu a h e t old m e h e
u n o t t h e p l a ce o f hi s s oj o u r n ?
o
Wh a t ! kn ow
y
’
h e r e h e s ti ll s oj o u r n s wh e r e e h e i s !
Ye s w
hfa r i a na
Fe r
Li v
.
,
i s th a t ?
Th ou
a n d or s e a
gh
tr a
ve l s
he
— th ou gh I m i n
’
M a nt u a
,
S
An d h e
I
PEE C H O F A POOR
as
lo o k b
u
di s t a n t
th e
as
t i n t o th a t ,
p ol e
a
a n d the r e
MAN
wy
a
he i s ,
k i n g e n thr o n d wi th e ve y t h o u ght
I n w a i t i n g a t h i s fe e t !
’
Its
r
,
75
.
,
wi h wi ll
s
,
,
G e n tlemen the sno ws o f sixty winter s have fallen
o n my head but n o fro st has over yet touched m v
heart
,
,
.
P
S E E CH
OF
A
PO OR
MAN
.
In response t o the to ast T H E HO NE S T M AN T HO UG H
PO OR a scholar and a man o f genius said
It would
h o should a t
be a needless piece o f folly in any m a n w
tempt especially i n these days of the triumphant reign
And
o f wealth to eulogize th e co ndition of poverty
yet in the days of g r e a t m e n it was no t always so
‘
A ristophanes said P overty is the mistress o f man
ners ; and severe and harsh as Sh e seems the scho ol
’
And E uripides
o f virtue in her state is chiefly kept
‘
declared that R iches bring o n vices but poverty is
oftener a ttended by wisdom and the mo st truly brave
and worthy men were content with having o nly the
’
necessities o f their life supplied
A ristides the Just
was once the po orest man i n A thens ; a n d when hi s
virtues a n d genius raised him to the highest ho no rs
he refu sed the frien dship of C alhas the richest citizen
i n A thens because he laid claims to consideratio n o n
a ccount of his wealth
The poverty o f D iogenes was
t h e cause o f hi s beginning his study o f philosop hy by
,
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”
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.
76
T HE
M O EL S PEE CH M AKER
D
-
.
which the world has been rendere dso much his debtor
P ythagoras was so po or that he coul d no t a ffor d to
eat bread but live d o n fruit The great P hi l o x e n u s
was as p o or as a beggar and when in consequence
of his virtues the A thenians sent him to a town in
S icily where a splen did mansion full o f l u xury and
gold was provided for him as so on as he perceive d
that pride and indolence were stealing o n his soul he
thre w
up all and returne d penniless to A thens say
’
i ng
T i s be tte r to l os e a l l tha n m ys e lf ” C lea n thes
the philosopher was so poor that he was oblige d to
grin d corn for his daily support When A ntigonus
a s told of this he sent fo r him
the king o f Macedon w
a n d asked him if he found the wonderful thin g s he
‘
’
wro te in a millstone N O my lo rd said the philos
‘
opher but while laboring with my han ds for my
livelihoo d the eyes o f my mind are bent on subjec t s
more sublime and what I reflect o n in the da y I write
’
down in the night
A father aske d Themistocles to
which of two lovers he shoul d marry his da u ghter
whether to a po o r man of merit or to a rich man of
’
‘
ignorance
Were I in your place said Themisto cles
I shoul dprefer for my daughter a man without money
’
to money without a man
It is something wo rth say
ing that nearly all the p o etry philo sophy a n d li tera
ture o f the world has come down from tho se mountain
heights o f intellect where the heavy weight of gold
’
‘
rarely ascen ds
I wonder sai d a rich ignoramus to
‘
an author of genius why you men of genius are mo st
’ ‘
a lways so po o r
C harge th e di fference between us
’
to o u r Maker said th e a u tho r
for had I bestowed
.
.
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’
AN A M ER I CAN S T OA S T
77
.
the
same attentio n upon making earthen p e ts that yo u
have I Shoul d have your mo ney ; but no amount o f
application o n your part could ever enable you to
’
ho
write my books
This agrees with D ean S wift w
‘
said that A m an o f wit is not incapable o f business
but above it
A sprightly generous horse is able to
carry a p ack sad dle as well as an ass but he is to o
’
go o d to be put to the drudgery
A fter all gentle
men much o f the a dvantages o f riches over poverty
is only arbitrary and imaginary Who will tell us
ho w much better o ff the rich man is w
h o can drink
c ha m a ne
d
than
the
po
o
r
man
can
rink
only
o
w
h
p g
col d w
Wha t are the precise advantages o f
a te r ?
—
bro adcl oth over satinet
over
o f a marble palace
a wo o den co ttage ? Much of the pride o f the rich i s
as conventional and as ridiculous a s th e vanity o f the
K han o f Tartary who lives in a cabin and when he
has finished hi s no o n tide meal which consists o f suc h
great luxuries as milk and horse fle s h he or ders a pro
clamation to be made by his heral d that all the e m
p or e rs and kings o f the wo rl d have his p ermission to
”
go to di n ner
,
.
,
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-
,
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—
'
,
,
-
,
-
,
,
.
E
AN A M
’
RI CAN S
TO
S everal
AS T
T O TH E
Q
UE E N O F E NGLAND
years ago an e ditor of P hila delphia was i n
Montreal C anada when a dinner a s given to th e
o
f that city and he received a n invitat i on to be
ress
p
,
,
,
w
T HE M O D EL PEECH M AKER
8
S
-
.
h
t
e
resent
But
when
he
arrived
in
anteroom
h
e
p
was informe d by the frien d who ha d been instrumental
i n having him invited that an objection h a d been
raise d to hi m in consequence o f his having some two
”
y ears before recommen de din The N ineteenth C entury
a
quarterly
magazine
a
plan
for
the
invasion
of
C
an
(
)
a da by the Irish o f the United S tate s and o f a chi e v
”
ing its in dependence of Great Britain
Very well
sai d the P hiladelphian I will wi th draw then ; but
t h e article o f which they complain was inten de d to
ri dicule the folly of the immense subscriptions then
going on in the Unite d S tates to free Irelan d
A
gentleman of the Montreal press who overhear d this
co nversa t ion imme diately cause d the obj ection to be
withdrawn and a han dsome apology was m a de to the
A merican editor fo r the annoyance to which he had
been subj ected At the dinner the first toast in o r
de r was of course to the Queen and as the last mail
from E ngland brought the news that her Maj esty
was e xpecting every da y to be co nfined with a fifth
’
chil d i n the same number o f years the Q u e e n s he a l th
was particularly a pertinent sentiment The privilege
of proposing this toast was allowed the A merican gen
ti eman which be discharge d as follows
Gentlemen
whatever preju dices I may have entertained against
t h e form o f the British governmen t I can sincerely
say that I have never been blin d to the truly fe m i ni ne
virtue s o f your noble Queen a n d with all my heart
I give you
The Qu e en of E ngl a nd beautiful as a
star in o n e o f the heavenly constellations ; and like
’
ay
th e star always in the m i l k y w
.
,
,
,
“
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“
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“
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'
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-
,
.
S
PEE CH
LOU
OF A
LA UG HER
D
79
.
”
It is needless to say that this palpable hit s e t the
table i n a r e a r and made the A merican a l l ri ght fo r
the remainder of the feast
“
,
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A
L O U D LAU GHE R
.
—
l augh
a sort o f
A gentleman with a very loud
—
tentor
leather
L
ungs
being
at
a
dinner
where
E
s
S
q
,
-
,
,
perso nal hits seeme d to be the o r der o f the day was
T he bl e s s i ng s
calle do u t to respon d to this sentiment
H e said Being an ho nest man and being
of s i l e nce
ashamed Of no thing and having no thing to conceal I
confess that I canno t so fully appreciate this sentiment
as yo u gentlemen appear t o O u r appreciati on o f
s i le nc e depen ds entirely upon what we wish to do
If
I w
ere about to commit a theft o r w h at the present
company will better understand to steal into the bed
’
chamber of my neighbor s wife I have no doubt that I
shoul d pray fo r silence as a blessing t o cover my
dee ds 1 A ll rogues have a great horror o f no ise The
bloo dy M a cbeth exclaims
,
”
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
Ho
wi t wi th m
s
’
e
wh e n e ve r y
noi s e
a
pp lls
a
me ?
I have read of a thieving Je wwho found his w
a y int o
an on t of the w
a
hedge
ale
house
where
he
found
a
y
rasher of bacon Being excessively hungry he thought
he might ven t u re on the forbi dden fo o d i n this obscure
pl a ce ; but jus t as he a s lifting the first bit to hi s
,
-
-
-
-
,
.
.
w
T HE M O D EL S PEECH MAKER
80
-
.
mouth a l o ud cl ap o f thunder made him dro p it i n
’
‘
dismay
H ere s a pretty racket (said he) about a
’
morsel o f bacon ! A nd that g entlemen i s about a s
tender as I suppose all r Og u e s to be o n the subj ect o f
noise but as yo u gentlemen are better judge s o f thi s
t han I I le a ve t he whole matter with yo u r wi s d o m
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A
M AN
WH O W O U
L DN T
’
U L
FIGH T A D E
h
w
A gentleman
.
had refused a challenge to a duel
a s at a dinner party where the following to ast
as
o ffered as a compliment t o him : T o the m a n w
ho i s
”
s o br a ve tha t he da r e r efu s e to fig ht a du e l
In r e
I am o f the opinio n tha t
s po u se the gentleman said :
accepting o r refusing a challenge to a duel has ver y
’
l ittle to do with a man s cour a ge A great coward
may challen g e and a great cowar d may a ccept a chal
lenge but it is certain that a wise and honorable man
will do neither S cipio A fricanus and M a te l l u s wer e
as brave as any men that ever lived and b o th o f them
often refused to fight duels Theophrastus maintained
h o lost his life in a duel robbed hi s country
t hat he
When Mare
o f what he had n o right to dispose o f
‘
A ntony challenged C ae sar the latter replie d My
l ife is o f t o o much consequence to m y subje c ts to h a zard
’
A nd it is I think a dictate of com
i t inglo riously
mon sense that no man h o feels that his life is o f
any importance to his family o r his coun try has a
r i g ht t o r u n the risk o f throwing it away in a duel
o
w
w
,
.
“
,
.
,
,
.
,
w
.
.
,
,
.
,
w
,
,
,
,
.
T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
82
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.
country a n d our countrymen
T he
sentiment sai d the venerable S enator embraces the
highes t consi deratio ns that a go o d man can wi s h to
live for ; a n d in it will be foun d the Sublime motives
which have devo ted the lives o f the greatest men to
death
It inclu des all that is most blesse d in the ho m e
o f o u r parents and our children
O u r country is o u r
s e l ve s for we a r e all but parts o f the public s y stem
w
hich consti tutes the gran d e difice o f o u r social and
political lives The man who even dies for his coun
tr y dies for himself for his chil dren a n d for the hono r
o f his forefather s
A nd what are a few days a dde d to
’
a man s life compa r e d to the glory a n d progre s sive
stability o f those institutions which are to be the abo de
of all the descending generations of our offspring ?
O nly as a minute compared to a thousand years
It
is of little moment whether I go hence t o day o r to
morrow ; and every act of mine that bears upon m y
’
countr y s w e al o r wo e is something infinitely greater
than my life
When I was a young man lo n g before I entered
into public life the history of th e noble S aint P ierre
who devo ted his own life to save his countrymen ma de
a n impression o n my min d that has never to this da y
been erase d It is more th a n fifty ye a rs since I copie d
h i s last speech I think I have it with m e now a n d I
shall beg to rea d it o n this o ccasion You remember
the history gentlemen— th at when E dwar d Il I K ing
o f E nglan d lai d siege to C alai s that city ma de an a i
mo st miraculous resistance to the inva ding foe Bu t
at l ength famine di d what the arms ( f E dward had
toast
Our
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S P EE CH
fa i l e d to
or
A
PA T R I O T
83
.
do and the inexo rable E dward in his wrat h
a t the determine d resistance which had been o ffered t o
him resolve d at first to put every man woman and
child to death but at length consented to pardo n the
mass o n condition that they should select six of their
principal citizens and send them to him with halters
about their necks t o b e executed When Si r Walter
bo re this terrible message to the people o f the di s
tracte d city who were all assembled in the great
sq u are S aint P ierre getting up t o a little eminence
addressed the assembly in these immortal words
My friends and fellow citizens yo u see the con
ditio n to which e are reduced w
e must either submit
to the terms o f o u r cruel and unsparing conqueror o r
d
u
r
iel
up
tender
infants
wives and chaste
o
r
o
u
y
daughters t o the blo o dy and brutal lusts o f the vi o
lating soldiery We well know what the tyrant i n
t ends by his specious offers o f mercy
It do es n o t
s atiate his ve n geance to m ake a s merely miserable
he
would also make us criminal H e woul d make us co n
h e will grant us life o n n o con di tion save
t e m p t i bl e
that of o u r b e ing unworthy o f i t L o ok about you
my friends and fix your eyes on the persons whom yo u
wish to deliver u p as the victims o f your own safety
Which of these woul d you appoint to the rack the axe
Who through the le n gth of this i nve t
o r t h e halter ?
crate siege has no t su ffered fatigues a n d miseries a
thousan d times worse than death that yo u and your s
might survive to days of peace and prosperity
Is it
your perverseness then whom you would de s tm e to
destruction ? Y o u will no t you c a nn o t do i t Justice
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84
THE
M O D EL S PEEC H M AKE R
-
ho nor humani t y make such a treason impossible
T
“ here then is o u r recourse ? Is there any expedient
left whereby we may avoid guilt and infamy o n o n e
hand o r the desolatio n and horrors o f a sacke d city
o n the other ?
There is my friends there i s an ex
i
e
d
e
n
t
left
a
gracious
a
G
o
d
lik
e
expedient
I
s
p
there any here to whom virtue is dearer than life ?
L e t him o ffer himself an oblation for the safety o f his
—
f
eople
shall
no
t
fail
a
blessed
approbation
from
h
e
o
p
that power ho o ffered up his only S o n for the sal va
t ion o f manki n d
I doubt no t that there are many
here as ready nay more z ealous for this m artyr dom
t han I can be however mo desty and the fear o f i m
p a ted o stentation may withhold them from being fore
most in exhibiting their merits Indeed the station t o
which L ord V ienne has u nhappily raised me imparts
a right t o be the first in givi n g my life for your sakes
I give it freely I give it cheerfully
h o comes next ?
‘
’
Your s o n ! exclaims a youth no t yet c om e to matu
‘
’
‘
r ity
A h my child I cried S aint P ierre I am then
twice s acrificed but n o I have rather begotten thee
’
a seco nd tim e ; thy years are few but full my son
—
Who next my friends
this is the ho ur o f heroes !
’
’
‘
‘
Your kinsman cried John de A ire
your kin sman
’
your kinsman crie d Jame s
c r ied P eter W i s s a n t l
’
‘
Wissant !
A h 1 exclaimed Si r Walter Maury burst
‘
ing into tears why w
a s I no t a citizen o f C alais
The sixth victim was still wantin g and so many
ere the candidates w
h o rushe d forward eager for the
a n d these
d
lory
that
it
had
be
determine
by
lo
t
t
o
g
e r e l e d out and died
s i x br a v e a n d v i rtuous citizen s
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SP E E
CH
AN U N D ER T AKE R
or
85
.
’
sacri fi ce for their country s safety What an e x
ample ! a n d how wo rthy the a dmiration o f all go o d
\Vha t a rebuke to
men as long as the worl d stan ds
the factious ambition of those who woul d distract and
divide and destroy their country o n m or e abstractions
and partisan vanity ! S omebo dy has profanely sai d
that the race of great men is go ne I hope no o n e has
venture d to say that the race of p a tr i ots is gone ! A nd
’
yet when I think o f histo ry I am frightene d Vt he n
I think of what o u r fathers su ffere d to besto w upon u s
such a glo rious inh eritance as our country a n d then
see for what baubles and abstractio ns many would 1 eck
lessly thro w it away I am frightened I can almost
say that I have seen the glorious sun o f o u r R epublic
r i s e and I pray G o d that my children m a y never
it
ness its s e tti ng
a
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P
S E E CH O F
A
AN
U NDE R TAKE R
.
merry undertaker who had become rich by a
diligent attention to his calling was present at one of
the sumptuous feasts which used to b e given by the
Ten G overnors of the city of N ew York and was
called upon to speak upon this to a s t
1 he Unde i
—
take r
may i t be lo n g before he oz e r ta ke s us
I
n
said he heartily l e s po n d to that t oast gentle
\ e i i I am i n n o hurry for I am s ure o f the ( a me a t
g
last a n d can ell afford to wait until y o u are be t t er
prepared t o be ove r ta ke n by me than you are at thi s
,
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86
T HE
M O DEL S PEE CH M AKER
-
.
sittin g I speak to yo u g r a ve l y a n d to you only o n
this subj ect ; and I ple dge you my wor d that when I
have tol l e d your s a d fate to tho se who fol l o w
you I shall
make no allusio n to your vices a n d di s sipations The
un dertaker is the mo st charitable of men for it is hi s
bu s iness to co ve r u p the faults o f mankin d a n d to p u t
t o r e s t a great deal o f strife and wrong
A nd if S t
P aul may be taken as authority there is n o better
C hristian than the undertaker for to him de a th i s
reat
a
m
A
nd
no
man
po
ssesses
a
kinder
heart
fo
r
g
g
every p a s s i ng be ll e fills him wi th the tenderest emotions
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P
L
S E E CH O F A T AL L O l V—
CHA ND E R
.
witty tallow chandler whose professio n was
toaste d at an anniversary dinner of one of the me
’
c h a n i c s a s so ciations of the city of N ewark respon de d
a s follows
I thank you gentlemen in behalf of the
numerous a n d e nl i g hte ne d members of the profes s ion
which you have toas te d We are a merry set of fel
lows who co ntinue to ma ke l i g ht w
or k of even the
heavie s t duties of life N one are more amiable a n d
fa s cinating especially to th e ladies than we fo r we
never fail to h ave a m e l ti ng a n y however cold a n d
u n genial the w
hole world aroun d us may be
e
too practise the C hristian virtues a n d were never
known even in the mo st profane and infidel times to
We send a hospitable
hi de o u r c a n dle u nde r a bu s he l
i
m
h
uide
to
the
bewil
ere
d
traveller
t
o
show
the
d
g
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S
PEE CH
or
A S
HOE M AKER
W ay through the darkness of night
87
.
W e enable
th e
h e n e ve r t he s u n o f
philosopher to pursue his studies w
heaven fails him When darkness covers the earth
we sen d thousan ds o f suns into the gloomy abo des o f
men The king and the beggar are a like dependent
upon us and i t is we ho have the hono r a n d happi
ne s s to light millions o f beautiful girls to bed every
night of their lives But I must sto p this gentlemen
and
o r you will all be rushing into the profession
A nd if yo u were t o you woul d
S poil the business
—
no t fi n d u s like th e members of o ther over crow ded
professions— glo omy and moro se fo r we should m a ke
l i g ht o f o ur misfo rtu nes and still toil o n endeavo ring
”
to thr owl i g ht upon the d arkest hour o f adversity
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P
K
S EE CH O F A S H O E MA E R
.
—
In response to this to ast
The Sho e m a k e r may
h e stick to his l ast and may his custo mers stick to
him —a member o f the craft said z There is every
reason in the worl d why his customers should s ti c k to
a x e d but
him no t only because he is generally well w
because they are under the strongest obligations to
him for the go o d conditio n of their u nde r s ta ndi ng s
’
Men s very s ole s hav e to lo ok to the sho emaker fo r
pro tection a n d salvation It i s h e who helps men to
become wise by impressing t hem with the everlasting
‘
truth of such immortal maxims as a stitch in time
’
s a v es nine
It is he ho enables me n to go a bro ad
fl
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88
M O D E L S PEECH M AKER
THE
-
.
amid the snows of winter a n d over the b u rning sand s
IIo wfatally woul d all the social a n d
of summer
commercial intercourse amo n g men b e interrupte d if
The
n o t entirely destroyed but for the sho emaker !
philo s opher the p o et the statesman the he r e the
beautiful maiden all ranks and con ditions in life
—
from the king t o the beggar pay tribute t o the skill
and in dustry of the Sho emaker H e is o n e of the most
useful as well a s ornamental m e mbers o f so ciety
While the importance of all o ther tra des may be com
A
n dwhen a l l
u t e d by inches his is reckoned by fe e t
p
o ther trades fail his will survive for at the end o f th e
”
world the Sho emaker will be the la s t man
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P
S E E CH O F A
MU S I C IAN
h w called upo n
A musician w
.
table to respond
t o a toast complimentary to hi s profession said
I
thank you gentlemen in behalf Of the musical frater
no t to consider as a mere orna
r e
n i ty which yo u
mental a n d a m u s m g profession but as one eminently
philo sophical useful a n dinstructive N O profession has
bee n more wronge d by pu bl i c Opinion than ours which
is regarded as vain idle reckless envious and u n pr i n c i
pled But to the direct contrary o f all this the musi
c i a n is o n e O f t he most industrious men in the wo rl d
always en deavoring to l os e n o ti m e ; a n d so pru dent
withal that he ke e p s ti me which everybo dy else allows
H e is s o honest that he will do every
to keep them
,
o
as
at
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T HE M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
90
-
.
airing with him he de s ired him to walk o n ahea d a n d
enter the royal carriage first
L ord S tair obeye d
’
The world is right said the king in the character
it has given o f this nobleman ; a person less p olite
’
than he woul d have teased me with ceremony
I can
say n o thing gentlemen that will add to this test o f
true politeness lai d down by the g r a nd m ona r q u e In
true p oliteness there is the least p ossible pretension
cere m ony or display E very thing is do ne to make
peopl e at ease and satisfie d a n d nothing that can have
a ten dency to disquiet a n d displease It is the easiest
t hing in the world for a man o r woman with a go od
heart to be p olite but no amount o f art a n d e ducation
can ever m a ke a badhearte d and ill nature d person
’
truly s o
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P
S E E CH O F A
LA C O NI C
MAN
.
A gentleman remarkable for his brevity was to as te d
in this manner
To the man who says the best things
in the fewest wo rds
H e sai d: Gentlemen I thank
you and to ok his seat But the party clamorously
”
crie d A speech ! a speech !
N o said he gentle
men brevity like great deeds does not tolerate much
S peaking
H isto ry gives us memorable examples
When William the C onqueror set his fo ot on E nglish
groun d h e burne d hi s ships a n d crie d S ol diers be
hol d your country 1 H enry IV of France was about
as brief O n go ing into battle he said to his tro ops
”
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SP EE C
H
O F A C O OK
91
.
I am your king you are Frenchmen behold th e on e
’
my
A t the great naval engagement a t Trafalgar
‘
N elso n said : E ngland expects every man to do his
’
’
duty
N apoleon s speech to his army in E gypt was
‘
S oldiers forty centuri e s lo ok down upon you fro m th e
’
’
The great R oman s bulletin
t O p S of these pyramid e
‘
o n was
I came I saw I con
o f the battle he had w
’
quered
K ing H enry I V once met an ecclesiastic to
‘
whom h e sai d : Whence do yo u come ? Where are
’
you going ? What d o you want ? The ecclesiastic
‘
—
—
replied instantly : From Bourges to P aris a bene
’
’
You shall have it replied the monarch But
fi ce
gentlemen let me not Spoil your excellent to ast by
prolix illustrations I have done
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P
S E E CH O F
A CO OK
A celebrated co ok who had als o some pretensions
w
,
to learning and was a go o d deal o f a a g withal
was calle d upon t o speak to a to ast in praise of hi s
’
professio n H e said
G entlemen the co ok s profos
Sion is o n e o f which any man m a y be justly prou d fo r
th e most distinguished men o f all ages have expen de d
their best ta s te upo n it
N early all the celebrated wits
o f t h e age o f L ouis XIV were excellent co oks and
were prouder o f their skill in compounding sauces than
they were of their literary fame
Boileau was a
famous cook so was S i r H umphry D avy Talleyrand
a s q ui te as proud of b e ing a great co ok as he was of
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T HE M O DEL S PEECH M AKER
92
-
.
being a great statesman
L ord Byro n pronounced
’
G ou t hier dA n de r n a ch the greatest man o f his age be
cau se he invented i n less than ten years S even cullises
n ine ragouts thirty one sauces a n d twenty one soups
‘
A celebrate d member o f the French A ca demy said I
regard the discovery of a dish as a far more interes t
i ng event than the discovery o f a star ; for we have
alw
a vs stars enough
but can never have to o man y
dishes ; and I shall no t regard the sciences as s u fi i
c i e n tl y honored until I see a co ok in the first class i n
’
the institute
The great E arl o f P eterborough w
as
quite as fon d of co oking as he was o f war It was hi s
custom to assist in preparing the feast over which he
was to presi de ; a n d when at Bath he was often see n
in the streets in his blue ribbo n and star carrying a
chicken in his hand a n d p erhaps a cabbage under each
arm I have often seen A lexander D umas presi ding
over the smoking viands of h i s kitchen in P aris Vo l
taire h a d so much respect for a go o d co ok that the
worst thing he coul d say o f an enemy was to call him
— a m e a n c ook
Men o f genius in all ages
r z ca s s e a r
h ave hel d the gastronomic science in greatest re s pect
S hakespeare must have been a famous cook especiall y
o f beefsteaks as we infer from the following excellent
receipt for co oking one which he puts into the mo u th
o f one Macbeth a well known butcher o f S co tlan d in
the time of K ing D uncan
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If i t
w
er e
don e ,
wh
e n
I t w e r e do n e qu i ck ly
’
.
’
ti s don e , t h e
n
’
t
w
e re
we ll
S P EE CH ON
S
CAN D A L
P
93
.
L
S E E CH O N S CAN DA
.
When the following toast was proposed
“
To the
h o thinks the most go o d and speaks the lea s t
man
a gentleman remarked that a
i l l f f his neighbors
go o d man rarely thi nks ill o f his neighbor and the
well bred man ne ve r sp e a ks ill o f him S candal is to o
mean a vice to fi n d a place anywhere but in the mean
e s t soul
I t is generally the companio n of ignor ance
and s elf conceit Those who are guilty o f it seldo m
have any correct idea of righ t o r wrong but censure
indis criminately everything in o thers which they do no t
poss e ss themselves Fo r this reaso n the go od a n d wise
are a n apt as any o thers to be the victims o f it S enec a
said It is enough fo r a man to have an e xalted virtue to
draw o n hi m a deep weight of scandal a n d detraction
Demosthenes observe d that Ill tongues are busy only
with those who deserve praise but as a worthless per
son is beneath scandal all truly meritorious people
”
may feel themselves to be above its reach
It was
S ingular advice which D emaratus gave his friend when
about t o marry to make cho ice o f o ne fo r his wife ho
was most generally spoken ill o f by her o w
n sex
S lan derers generally betray the vices which they are
incline d to themselves by the faults which they suspect
in o thers The hor s e thief naturally suspects the man
he meets by the wayside to be a hor s e thi ef ; the liar
’
believes no man s word and the woman o f impure
thoughts suspects the cha s t i ty o f every o ther woman
I have a friend ho lately came near marrying a young
l a dy w
ho po ss e s sed con s iderabl e beauty and accomplish
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T HE M O DEL S PEECH M AKER
94
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.
ment but she knew so much ill o f her n eighbors and
had such a horror of unchaste women that she frighte n
ed him o u t of all his matrimonial intentions
A s go o d people do no t speak ill of o thers they do
not make much a do when o thers Speak ill o f th em
C onscious inno cency is a do or that shuts out all fear
and anxiety as to their goo d name When P hilip
king o f Macedon w
a s tol d that the Greeks spoke ill
o f him he calmly replied
Then it is my business to
live in such a manner as to prove them to be liars
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P
S E E CH
OF
A ME RCHA N T
.
A merchant was complimented with this toast
“
,
T he
m e r cha nt— ma g he e ve r be e x cha ng i ng for the be tte r
He
’
responde d by saying , that if the merchant s exchan ges
”
.
did not better himself they were sure to benefit o thers
For it i s the merchant who causes the chief value of all
the go o ds a n d commo dities in t he world It is the ex
change o f the frui ts o f industry that gives them their
highest price The farmer the mechanic the artis an
all are indebted to the merchant for the wealth a n d
l u xu ry which their pro ductions bring to their do ors
’
The merchant takes the farmer s pro duce and the me
’
ch a n i c s wares and gives hi m in exchange fo r them
money sil ks sugars teas and the frui ts o f all climes
A n d it is this principle o f e x cha ng e which S O immensely
incre a ses the pri ces of all kinds o f pro ductions that it
is the mi ghty mainspr i ng of the wealth o f the world
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S
PEE CH
OF A
M ERC HANT
.
It was o u t of trade and commerce that th e grandeu r
a n d free dom o f the E nglish nation aro se to such giga n
ti c proportions I t was tra de and commerce t ha t
raised by insensible degrees her navy to be the maste r
o f the seas a n d enable d her to leave the fo o t prints o f
her civilization o n every shore It will be the marvel
o f posterity that a little island no t larger in territor y
th a n o n e of o u r S tates whose only pro duce was a little
’
lead tin fuller s earth and co arse wo ol Should become
S O powerful by its commerce as to dictate terms to the
civilized and savage world It is not the nobility but
the merchants o f E ngland w
ho have made her what
she is A lord i s a po wdered puppet who can tell you
at what time the m o n a r ch arises and goes to bed who
gives himself airs o f grandeur and state through an
idle and gouty life while the merchant enriches his
country dispatches orders to the ends of the earth and
perpe t ually contributes to the felicity a n d progress of
the worl d If our country is richer now than in earlier
days look to our merchants for the immediate cause
It is to them that we
o f its progres s ive development
are in debted for the convenience o f railro a ds steam
bo ats telegraphs the sinews of war and the luxuries
o f pe a ce
It i s the merchant who enables the farmer
to live like a king and the mechanic to dress his wife
and daughters in silk brocades N early all the a dva n
t a ges of civilization over savage life come to the peopl e
through the hands and enterprise of the merchant
”
The phrase merchant princes therefore gentlemen
conveys n o exaggerated idea of the usefuln e ss a nd i m
portance o f the mercantil e profession
.
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T HE
M O D E L S PEECH M AKE R
-
P
L
.
S E E CH O F A S O D I E R
A military g entleman
.
considerable repute bei ng
a s called u pon to S pea k
present at a public dinner w
in response to a toast complimentary to the military
profession H e remarked that the professio n of a s o l
dier to be appreciated must be lo oked at histo rically
W e must regard it n o t in the light of its abstract
deeds o f carnage and destruction but i n the p r o t e c
tion it gives to the institutions o f state a n d the rights
o f our country
A s it was by war that our liberties
ha d to be achieved so by war they may have to be de
fended a n d pro tected That has been the history Of
all time It was by war that the foun dation of the
mighty commonweal th o f R ome was laid and it was
by war that i t was raised to its lofty pitch o f glo ry
In vain had N uma taught her people the arts of peace
and its holy rites a n d ceremonies if T ullus H o s ti l i u s
Both the
h a d no t also taught the m the arts o f war
literature and religion o f antiquity proclai m the war
like arts as descending from the go ds Jupiter him
s elf was o f little account without his thun der and the
as
disarmed A pollo w
an obj ect o f commiseration
Mars had to be invoked to defend both Jupiter and
Vulcan against the Giants A nd all this w
a s but a
fable o f what all history has been enacting ever since
and will continue to enact t o the end o f time T he
giants still survive and Mars and Victoria must ever
be in readiness to meet them in battle array
L ycurgus the L a c e de mon i a n legislator thought the
a r so nec essary th a t he forba de the citi z e ns to
a r t of w
of
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T HE M O DEL S PEE CH M AKER
98
-
.
i ly
co ntribute to relieve the necessities o f the
l
r e fa i n fro m speaking in
o
or
and
when
o
rators
shal
p
public
I j oin the great A thenian gentlemen and
e may never be i nvolved in war again
pray that w
u ntil
these impossible things are witnessed i n o u r
midst
u n ta r
.
”
.
,
,
.
P
S E E CH O F
A MAN
OF
H O NO R
.
A t a party o f literary gentlemen and merchants o ne
,
of
the number who p ossesse d the reputa t io n o f being
a man of the greatest degree of honor was calle d up
in response to the following to ast : [Ma y honor a nd
”
vi r tu e e ve r g u i de the foots te p s of a mbi ti on
H e sai d
The ancient R omans having erecte d two temples one
dedicated to H onor a n d the o ther to Virtue joine d
the passage from o n e to the o ther in such a manner
that none could enter that o f honor without passing
through that o f virtue Many are the lessons which
ancient history teaches us o f the love o f honor and the
practice of virtue which may b e studied profitably by
mo dern C hristian nations Julius C aesar in his you th
happening to see a statue o f A lexan der the Great
which seemed t o have been ma de fo r him when he was
about the age o f twenty four fell to weeping and said
‘
H o wmiserable am I to have done no thing worthy
even at so fe
years
o f memory ! and this prince
’
merited t o have his figure perp etuated
When P ompey the Gr e a t van q uish e d T yg r a n e s
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“
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S P EE C H
O F HONOR
A MA N
or
99
.
k in g ) f P ontus and took him prisoner be restored
him t o his dignity and his liberty preferring to make
him a friend and ally of the R omans rather than to
carry h i m to them in tri u mph saying The glory o f
’
a n age is more val u able than that of a day
The practice of suici de so commo n among defeated
warriors in ancient times illustrates the fact that t hey
as
A n d this w
preferred ho nor and glory to life
Shown no t only by male hero es but was practi se d also
by the women who like the chaste L ucrece refu se d to
survive the lo ss o f her hono r ; o r like the beautifu l
A m i n the a of Mace donia w
ho having been caught i n
adultery refu s e d an o ffered p ar do n decl aring that she
wo u ld wash a w
ay her guilt and S hame i n death A n d
how numerous are such in s tances at the present da y
o f fallen but heroic women who prefer death to di s
honor It is o n e o f the pro ofs o f the dignity o f human
nature that the principle of honor 13 among a l l na
tio n s savage a n d civilized worshi ppe d as a divinity
Their no tions of it may oftentimes be erro neous a n d
absur d but the human heart everywhere bows to the
principle according t o the light it enj o y s A savage
negro of Guinea will be killed himself so oner than
h o is a guest i n his hut t o the
give up a white man w
vi olence of the mob
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Ho n or
T ha t
E nno
W i th
T he
T ha t
,
th a t
Sp a r
b v
bl t h
a
o
e s
th i r s
r i c he s
g i ve s
e
k
n a tu r e
of
ru
de
r
t tr e
as u r e
th e
s ta m
ke s
ce
l
e s
ti a
lfi
re ,
k
p
m a n i nd a s i r e ;
a s s i o n s o f o u r fr a m e
ma
p
t o f gl o y
e
t he
a n d de s i r e
,
of a
p
o f fa m e
ge n e r o u s b
,
r e as
t,
an d s t a n d
a r d o f th e r e s t
.
100
T HE
M OD E L S PE E C H M A KE R
-
.
S P E E C H O F A JE S T E R
.
w
When the followin g to a st
i
e
v
g
n e ve r
the
wy t
a
o
i g ht p ht ce s
”—
m e l a n cho l y , bu t
al
wy
a
,
s
w
Ma y
o ffere d
as
e
be m e r r y i n
gentleman who was well known
for his j es t s remarke d that it is not easy to know for
a certainty the right place for j esting In the reign
of E dw
ard the Fourth a citizen in C heapsi de L on don
was executed as a traitor for saying that he woul d
m a ke hi s s on he i r to the cr o w
n meaning his house which
had a crown for a sign That proved a very ill timed
j est certainly fo r the inno cent wag
The temptation o f a merry fello w to crack his j oke s
is so very great that we must no t won der if he often
cracks them in the wrong place The greatest of men
have often been jesters D u l ce e s t de s ip e r e says H o r
’
ace
Tis delightful to pl ay the fo ol
S cipio and
C ato were as frolicsome and fu ll of j ests as boys N o r
were they always so carefu l about the time and place
either
Jesting in illness o r at the p oint o f death is
reckone d almost profane and yet we have many illus
trions examples o f death bed jesting as S i r Thomas
Mo ore fo r instance w
h o j este d upon the sca ffold in
desiring the executioner to put asi de his bear d saying
It has no t committed any treason
When the bean
tiful and accomplished S tella was in a dying con dition
her physician to encour a ge her sai d Ma dam you
a r e certainly near the bo ttom o f the hill but we shall
endeavor to get yo u up again
Wi th great di fficulty
I a m afraid do cto r l
s he co u l d b a r e ly ar ti cu l a t e
r
a
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T HE
102
M O DE L S
PEECH M AKER
-
.
ake d unbl u shing uncompoun de d { c xr l e nca
What i s a politician for instance w
ith out l l « p u de n ce ?
der a stomach
A s pi der wi t hout legs a gun without po w
I mpu dence
a n dm o n t h wi t h out h an ds to fee d the m !
say s O sborn is no v i rtue yet able to beggar the m
all
du
to
e
n
'
,
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“
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”
.
be
For h e t h a t h as
al l
To
g
t hi n s h a s
a
st
im
fa i r
p
p
u
de n ce ,
r e
t e n ce
.
It i s as useful in the professions as armo r in a camp
i s do m and the man of i mp a ti e nce to
S e t the man of w
running a race for office o r wealth and see who shall
come o u t fir s t To talk of a lawyer without impu dence
i s to talk of a bo dy withou t breath A n d as for do c
tor s P liny a ffi rms i t to be The prerogative of the art
o f healing that any man who p rofesses himself a phy
s i c i a n is instantly receive d as such
H ow
many a wo rthless idle fellow gets a rich and i n
du s t r i o u s wife by dint of pur e impu dence ? A nd per
h a ps it is well that he does for it woul d be an alarming
oman !
s ight to s e e a thr iftl e s s m a n marry a s hiftle s s w
T he impu dent man faith fully follow s t h at scripture
which comman ds hi m no t to hi de his can dle un der a
bushel ; and to be as literal as possible the sma l ler
O ffice
h i s can dle the hig h er he generally hol ds i t
someho w seems to stumble upon him because he i s
al w
a ys in the way
A n d then gentlemen as this i s a n
im pu dent wo rl d it will be foun d very har d getting
along in i t wi thout a con s i derable sh are o f t he popular
ma terial Impu dence ca n be succe s s fu lly met onl y
with impu dence as is illustrate d by an anec do t e of an
.
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S
O x ford
PEEC H A T
M A R RIA G E
A
103
.
scholar who called o n e morning o n another
before he was o u t o f be d and hallo o ed into his ro o m
”
Jack are you asleep ?
,
,
,
“
,
“ Thy
Because I want to borro w half a crown
Then I a m asleep
o f you
.
.
P
S E E CH A T
A
M A RR IAGE
.
A t a marriage dinner where the following to ast was
,
”
o ffered T he p r e s e n t happ y occa s i on a gentleman said
It is an o ccasion which brings happ ne s s to all parties
I T o o u r friends ho are just married it is a divine
time when faith is lo st in sight a n d hope in fruition
II To tho se w
ho have been long married it brings
back a memory o f the blessed time when they were
j oine d i n we dlo ck
III To those who are not married it carries their
tho ughts forwar d in blissful anticipation o f the time
when they hope to be
S o all are or ought to be happy o n the present o cca
sion : I beg par don ; there is one class which I trus t
however is no t represented here— I mean o l dbachelors
th at is incorrigible o l d bachelors who no t o nly a r e
no t but never mean to be m a r r i e d m a l i ci o u s de s pi s er s
’
o f life s lawfu l sweetness a n d contemners of the divine
rights a n d diviner charms of woman By the R oman
laws all such were punished as criminals and were
rohibited
from
hol
din
g
any
public
o
ce
A
ugustus
f
fi
p
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T HE
Oat
C
MO D EL
e
EC H
-
M A K ER
.
w
ar laid a heavy tax o n all h o were fo und u nm a r
ried after the a g e of t w
By the laws of L y
e n ty fi ve
c u r g u s all the men
ho refuse d to marry were debarred
’
from appearing at the pu bl i t g a m e s which interdiction
was considered the greate s t ignominy a n d the great
est deprivation to o fo r at these games the young a n d
b eautiful damsels displayed their charms in variou s
feats o f agility and gracefulness S imoni des said that
h o do es not marry shows himself to be s o
the man w
ay from the most
s elfish a cowar d that he shrinks a w
S o if this famous o l d
s acred r e Sp o n s i bi l i t i e s of life
po et S imonides i s right the man who gets married i s
a s brave as a sol dier
In fact he is so much o f a sol
dier that he impatiently fli e s to a r ms in times o f th e
profoundest peace and is never happier than when he
A nd this married sol
i s at the head o f the i nfa n tr y
dier being n o lon g er sent to the o u ts ki r ts is fortunately
Mid dle
k ept o n du ty in the ho me squadr o n fo r life
”
ton in his play entitled Beware of Women has draw n
t h e following e x quisite picture of we dlo ck
ae s
w
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“
,
,
Of
bl e s s i
Wha t
wh I
en
ng s
b
I
co m e
bu t
s ce n t
ne ar
the
air
t h e h ou
se
.
ge s e n ds fo r th
’
e e te r
Hone s t w
l o ck
T h e vi o l e t be d s n o t s w
e d
I s li k e a b a n q u e t i n g h ou s e b u i l t i n a g a r de n
hi ch th e s p r i n g s ch as te flo w
e r s t a k e de li gh t
On w
de l i ci o u
a
s
r e a th
m ar r i a
.
.
,
’
To
ca s t
Wi th
Is bu t
th e i r m o de s t
a ll
a
he
r
p
o
wd
fa i r h ou
e rs
se
l
p
w
,
b
l
h e n a s e u s t,
;
a i n ti n s , a n d e s t
rid
e,
c o or s
bu i l t i n
g
a.
m or a s s
”
.
b
p
T H E M O EL S PEECH M AKER
106
D
-
.
gentlemen When S imon C olinet a publish er in
Paris fir s t printe d th e C ollo quies of E rasmus he threw
f an e dition of eighty thou s an d to begin with a n d
of
circulate d a report t h at t h e C ollo quie s h a d been in t er
dicte d which caused s uch a deman d for the wo rk tha t
a s so on exhau s te d
the whole immense e dition w
Talk
—
s
f
the
mo
d
ern
device
of
booksellers
no gentlemen
o
instead of these ch a racteristic compla i nts you a n d the
public ought to be profoun dly grateful to the publish
ers for t he employment which they give to talent learn
ing and genius B u t for us what woul d become of
men of talent ? There i s n o Opening for them in poli
ti e s for the political field is alrea dy crowde d with p n
d
i
l
i
thieves
gamblers
and
a
venturer
of
all
con
s
t
s
s
g
c e i va bl e stripes a n d let a m a n of real ability dare to
appear even on the outskirts of the politic a l arena
a n d the whole ban d of infuriated igno ramu s e s will
make common cause agains t him
A t a t ime when
men o f ability are no t wante d for Official stations
there is no thing left fo r them but to write book s espe
‘
’
c i a l l y since what are calle d the learne d pro fe s s ions
are also cro w ded with u nlearne d practitioner s wh o
ford t o do the b u sine s s at such pri ces a s drive
ca n af
S uch men mu s t write
o u t men of genius a n d talent
books but what coul d the writer of b ooks do without
the publi s her s ? It is the publi s her gentlemen that
keeps the intellect o f the wo rl d mo ving H e di ffu s es
t h e principles of civiliza t ion a n d science thro u ghout
th e worl d a n d enables t he unlearne d m a s s e s to in s tr u c t
themselve s with the wis dom o f t he wise a n d the virtues
A nd there c a n never be any termination
Of the go o d
hlers
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SP EE
of
CH
or
AN E D IT OR
1 07
.
’
th e
publisher s toils for when he ceases his labors
S olomon will be convicted of an untruth fo r he has
‘
’
sai d t hat in maki n g many bo oks there is no end
This passage of S cripture also furnishes presump tive
e vi dence that the book trade was considerable of a
bu s iness as long ago as the days of K ing S olomon
It is an ancient and mo st respectable business gentle
men which no t only give s the highest cash value to i n
t e l l e c t but it is the sole banker of genius the foun de r
and s u pporter o f the mental currency o f the world
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P
S E E CH O F A N E D I T O R
.
h o responded to this to as t
A n e ditor w
T he e di tor
the def n de r of the r i g hts of the p e op l e a nd the r i g ht ha n d
,
,
'
”
,
—S ai d
Your
to
ast
stops
ho
rt
of
the
S
q g
mark gentlemen for the editor i s often a go o d deal more
than the r i g ht ha nd o f the great man —
h e is his br a i ns
t oo
Many a great man who Shines high in the fi r
i nam
e n t of political fame was made by the editor
I
have i n the course o f my politica l life made a go o d
many great men and oftentimes I am sorry to say I
had o n l y the meanest of stu ff to make them o f a n d
someti m es when I had blown them up into fame i t
to ok a l l the win d I coul d raise to keep them from
collapsing a n d falling back into nothing But let me
tell you gentlemen that this bu s ine s s o f making great
men is generally a thankless a n d an unprofitable o n e
’
It don t pay Though the press is the migh ty power
r ea
t me n
,
“
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T HE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER
1 08
-
.
that keeps the political forces of the country in m a
—
tion though it controls the fate of parties and O f i h
di vi du a l s yet how sel dom do we s e e the men w
ho
wield this p ower profiting by their own labors
No t
m any years ago there was an e ditor of character and
ability who was a can di date for the o ffice of a United
S tates Marshal but it was refused him a n d given to
an impu dent ignoramus a companion of thieves and
a p u gilist Man y of the ablest men of our country
have filled editorial chairs to the great cre dit of the m
s elves and their country but i n no instance have th ey
been honored with a seat i n the senate or with a firs t
class m issio n abroad N o t lo n g ago in a debate i n
the H ouse o f C ommons Mr H orseman ad dressed the
following language to Mr Walter o n e of the proprie
tors Of the L ondon Times
Y o u combine in your
ow
n person the tw
o most powerful attributes which an
E nglishman can possess a s a talented member o f the
legislative bo dy a n d the supreme head o f the press
”
which governs the worl d
The press o f E n gland ha s
been honorably reco gnized by the Go vernment of
Great Britain in appointing to the place o f one o f
the C abinet mini s ters Mr Wilson th e e ditor o f the
E xaminer a weekly paper O f L ondon
But the poli
t i c i a n s o f o u r country seem to be capable of a pp r e c i
ating the press only as a machine for elevating them
The gentlemen who are
s elves into p ower and place
a t the head of the political press of A merica are com
to
dance
attendance
e
l
l
u po n a band o f ignora
e
d
p
muses whom no gentleman Woul d willi n gly invite into
hi s p a r lo r n o r e v e n s u ffer to com e within r eachin g
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THE
M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
-
.
but he became so re s tless with thoughts of what to d
with it that after h aving kept it onl y eight days he
carrie d it back to the king telling him t h at he h a d
discover e d that money was no t worth the pa i ns it
costs the per s on who posses s es it The importance of
th e literary pro fe s sion in o u r country is to be chiefly
r eckoned by its cash v alue
A s a stepping s tone to
olitical
preferment
it
is
no
t
to
be
thought
of
I
n
p
’
dee d i n t hat light it is in a man s w
It is u n
ay
doubte dly true that an idea prevail s that men o f
Thou g ht are no t men o f a cti on— that the thi n ke r must
n ecessarily be deficient in practicability and so to be
c onsistent I s u ppo se they infer that the less ideas a
man has the better he is fitte d to be a politician
But for t u nately history sufficiently refute s thi s folly
S olon o n e of the greatest legislators of a ntiquity
was also a great po et a n d S o crates was a sol dier as
well a s a philosopher Xenophon and S opho cles were
as g reat as sol dier s as they were as men of letters
A lfre d the Great a n d R ichar d the L ion H e a rte d were
a s able in the fiel d o f letter s as in war a n d diplomacy
Bo th D ante a n d M a chi e ve l l i were masters in politics
The i dea that literature a n d
a s well as li t erature
s tatesmanship do n o t Often go to gether had i ts o rigin
E nglan d in the days o f darkness a n d ignorance in
high pl a ces when D ukes a n d Marquises coul d s ign no
o ther name than a mark o r a cro s s to the mo s t impor
tant do cuments The el der D ouglas thanke d his G o d
a i ne
coul d
h a t no son o f his except the bishop G a w
write a l i n e But the most ill u s triou s sta te s men of
E nglan d at the p resent day are men o f letter s as for
o
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S P EE CH O F A CAP IT AL I S T
i nstance ,
L ord John
11 1
.
Brougham and Gla d
stone In France in all ages the greatest state s men
have also been men of letters a n d the languag e a t
that The pen is
t r i bute d to C ar dinal R ichelieu
mightier th an the sword has foun d abun dant illus
t r a t i o n in the mo st br i lliant perio ds of French his
tory The present emperor of France is an author
also But in A merica it can har dly be sai d that men
o f letters have been recognize d in the political arena
It is true that Irving a n d Bancroft once ha d a few
crumbs thrown to them a n d H awthorne was sent
abroad with a consulship as a rewar d fo r wri ting the
only wo rthless romance which ever came fro m his
—
pen the life o f a presi dent of the United S tates It
has become a common remark that no really great
man can be again elected to the presidency of these
Unite d S tates a n d if men of literary ability believe
in the divinity of the maxims O f the people they
will probably never seek for political dis t inctio n i n
our country as long as he governing clas s es enter
tain the i dea that learning and intelligence are no t
necessary qualifications fo r the politician a n d the
s ta tesman
.
R ussell ,
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P
S E E CH O F
A t a par ty
to ast was
e ve r
y
o the r
Of so
’
ofi e r e
tyr
d
-
called
R eformer s ,
lfa y the tyr
J
°
a nn
A CA P I T ALI S T
y
s oon
fi
nd a
g
a nn
y
ra
ve
.
the following
a i ta l a nd
o
c
f p
,
in
T HE
1 12
M O DE L S
PEE CH M AKER
-
.
and a gentleman of wealth who happene d t o be pres
ent re s ponded as follows : In en deavoring to a i d the
c a u s e o f p r og r e s s its frien ds O ften th row the greate s t
Obstacles in its way by assuming extreme a n d unten
able groun d Fo r instance what mischievous do c
trines have b e en promulgate d o n this subject a s tho u gh
there were a necessary ant a gonism between ca p i ta l and
l a bor
A class of restless a n d po orly balance d min ds
have been made bitter and unhappy by being m ade to
believe that there is really a n d nece s sarily s ome great
wrong to labor in the posse s sion o f capita l wherea s
’
precisely the reverse is the truth C apital i s labor s
best friend without which in dee d labor itself is com
v
e l y without value
a
r
a
t
i
p
’
‘
What is capital ? There is no m a gic about it
It is no thing bu t hoar ded labor It is the result o f a l l
prece ding labor of which the in dividual whether
honestly o r no t has come into possession It r e pr e
sents past labor ; a n d by that fact it becomes the
remuneration o f present toil A ll money i s but a con
ve n t i o n a l i s m to in dicate to us that so much toil h a s
by somebo dy o r o ther been alrea dy expen ded ; a n d
the party possessing money is recognize d by so ciety
as having a property in the fruits o f the labor which
A ccor dingly from the very earlie s t
a s so expen de d
t i mes the nee d o f such a me dium as money has been
felt The precious metals have no p artic u lar intrinsic
worth yet have o n various accounts the recommen d
ation o f commerce for thi s purpose A S to intrin s ic
worth if any one were to be left like R obinson
C rusoe on a desolate island he would fi n d a hatche t
,
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M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
TH E
-
his cu s tome r
they
S kill and strength are c apital —
are the result of year s of exertion which has kept the
m u scular system i n o r der Bones a n d brains are capi
tal as truly as miles of do ck a n d warehouses fleets of
ships towering factories o r piles o f gold S o that
strictly speaking there is no person in the worl d but
is or may be a capitalist although he may be a l a bo r e r
at the same time a n d it is o nl y in a bro a d way that
we draw the lin e o f distinctio n —leaving o n one side
Of it the great mass o f tho se who toil and on the
o ther si de of i t tho se who by their p ossessio n O f s u f
fi c i e n t means take to themselves o r have be s towe d
upon them in a popular way of Speaking the ti t le of
’
The
relation
between
them
is
constitute
d
c a i ta l i s ts
p
It is a bargain bet w
een
by the payment o f wages
the one and the o ther in whatever form it may p ass
hether merely for fo o d clothing and shelter o r for
w
the largest money remuneration
’
We see then that this thing called c a pital which
’
‘
the p r o g r e s s i vc j ournals o f the da y woul d have u s
believe is such a very wizar d and devil is no thing but
h
r e s e r ve d l a bo r
wit
out
whi
ch
there
coul
be
no
d
r e
p
w a r d fo r p e s ent to il beyon d the imme diate supply o f
’
man s physical wants L ike all o ther great blessings
i t is liable to great abuses in the han ds o f ba d men ;
but to talk o f destroying i t on that account woul d be
’
like pre posing to cut o ff a man s leg s to r i d him of a
‘
h eavy pair Of boo ts
To talk of the inju s tice O f ca pi
’
ta l
because it i s capital is folly To talk o f e q u a l i z
i ng i t is to talk o f an impos s ibility
E qualize it to
da y a n d i t will be unequal again to m orrow fro m
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SPE E C H
B IB L I O G RAPHER
A
or
115
.
fact that while one man ke ep s anoth er m a n sp e nds
A silver dollar in the hand of o ne man so on becomes
a gol d eagle while in the hand o f ano ther i t becomes
a copper cent W e s e e th e n ho wli t tle sense there is
i n the philanthropy which is called taking si des with
’
the po o r man against the rich
It soun ds well as all
the o t her patent projects o f philanthropy do but if
we exami n e it i t is without reason a n d only a g i ta te s
mankind without proposing o n e practical remedy fo r
’
the wrongs described
The dep e nde nce between l abo r and capital is m v
tu a l and all schemes of philanthropy whic h strive to
draw antagonisti c lines betwee n t hem wrong the
laboring man while they misrepresent the nec e s sar y
”
force of capital
the
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P
S E E CH O F
A t a p arty
A B IB LI O G RAP HE R
.
literary gentlemen where the conver
satio n turned upo n the subj ect o f rare bo oks o n e O f
the number w
ho was known to be learne d in this
branch o f kno wledge was called upon to respo nd to
i s do m tha t i s i n O l d books — hfa y w
this to ast
T he w
e
ne ve r ce a s e to dr i n k a t i ts fou n ta i ns
H e began by r e
n arking that their to ast remin ded him o f thi s anc i e n t
t erse
of
,
.
,
,
”
.
,
“
Fr o
ou
t th e
C o m e th
An d o u t
O
al l
of O
C o m e th
ld f ld s
e
e
e
t hi s n e
w
a ll
t hi s n e
,
me
co r n e
l de b o k s
o
as
,
we
in
,
n s ai e
fr o
g o de
s ci e n ce
y
th,
e re
to
ye
re
;
fa i e th ,
th a t m e
n
l
e re
.
T HE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
1 16
-
.
O l dfashioned
as this language soun ds it is neve r
th e l e s s true to an extent w h ich few mo dern rea der s
are prepare d to a dmit For in s tance M r R alph Wal do
E merson i s con s i dere d one of the mo s t original of all
r i te r s
our mo dern thi nke r s and w
a n d yet t h e stu de n t
who is familiar wi th the works of that o l d G r e e k E pi c
’
tetus a n d with o l d H i e r o cl e s divine bo ok upon the
gol den verses of the P y thagoreans will discover the
fountains from which Mr E merson has drawn nearly
all the beauty a n d fre s hness of his philosophy
In
E pictetus especially he will find the very novelty of
’
Mr E merson s style which has been so much a dmire d
eve n by tho se who dissent from his opinions I speak
’
no t this with a view to Mr E merson s discre dit— s e
far from it that I sincerely wish we h a d more like him
who have the learning a n d patience to drink from thes e
ancient fountains of wis dom
It is a happiness to believe that the students a n d
lovers o f ancient and rare bo oks are i n cr e a s m g i n
n umbers every year ; in deed t here has never been a
time when rare bo oks a n d manuscript s were no t e n th u
s i a s t i ca l l y sought for by men of taste a n d lear n ing
But there have been particular perio ds when this r e
markable deman d fo r o l d bo oks amounte d almost to a
m a ni a
S uch was t he case at the clo se o f the se ven
t e e n th century when a desire of forming vast libraries
of a ncient bo oks a n d rare manuscript s l e d them t o
search no t o nly the whol e of E urope but the E ast ;
a n d thi s was the source o f many impost u re s a n d of
S ome cheats or ignoran t
s ome ri diculous mistakes
perso n s sent over from India to P aris a number o f
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118
M O D EL S PEE
T HE
CH
-
M AKER
.
’
a fine e dition of H olbein s D ance o f D eath at
two dollars but still the o l d e ditio n sells quick at from
six to ten dollars A han ds ome mo dern e dition of
’
Milton s P ara dise L ost can be bought for a dollar but
almost any of the e ditions publishe d previous to 1 7 90
are worth five dollar s a n d the fir s t e di ti o n of 166 9
will bring from fifteen to thirty dollars A fine n e w
’
e dition of P ope s Translation o f H omer can be h a d for
two dollars but the first edition is worth from twelve
t o twenty dollars
’
C ol S tanley s celebrated library o f rare books n u m
bering only
volumes which was sold at auctio n
in L on don in 18 13 brought the immense s u m o ffor ty
l i s he d
,
,
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‘
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wh
,
one
dt
thou s
an
,
u ndr e
o
d a nd thi r ty t
-
bo oks
,
bi
o
o
ars
.
C OLLE C TI ON which numbere d only
ought in 18 15 f or ty tw
o tho u s a nd tw
o
T H E E D WAR D S
830
wd ll
,
-
,
hu ndr e d a nd s e ve nty rhi lla r s
A nd the famous
.
AL C H O R N E
C OLLE CTI ON of only 18 7
for e i g ht tho u s a nd e i g ht
,
volumes was sold in 18 13
hu ndr e d a ndfi ftyfi ve dol la r s
But I h ave known some curious instances of i g n o r
ance among the dealers in o l d books in this city In
1 8 52 I bought at a secon dhan d bo ok s to re in N ew
’
York a fi n e copy o f Braithwaite s E nglish Gentleman
publi s he d in 16 3 0 for seventy fi ve cents A copy of
the same work is marke d in the Biblio theca S t a n l e i a n a
at £ 4 4 8
P robably the learne d dealer in rare
bo oks in Go tham gave some hungry man o r woman
about six cents for this scarce a n d curious bo ok
I knew a gentleman w
h o bought at a secon dhand
o o ok s t o r e in P hiladelphi a, some ten y e a rs ago a copy
,
.
4
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S P EE CH O F A BIB L I O G RAPHER
119
.
the G OL D EN L E G EN D published by W yl l y a m C u x
to n i n 14 7 3 for the pittance of ten dollars A copy
o rk was sol d from the A l ch o r n e collee
o f this scarce w
tio n fo r £ 8 2 198
Wi thout any unkin dnes s to
e may say that he i s no t a lit t le i n
Mr L o n gfell ow w
debted to this bo ok fo r the idea o f his work o f the
same title
O n e of the rarest o f o l d bo oks i s S i r John Frois
’
sart s C r o n ycl e s o f E ng l a n de P raunce a n d S p a yn e
L or d Berners
t ranslated bv S vr Johan Bo u r ch i e r
from the press o f P yn s o n in 152 5 A t the S tanley
sale this extremely rare bo ok brought £ 3 9 17 s
A well kno wn literary gentleman re s i d
ing in o ne o f the no rthern counties of the S tate of
Yo rk had a copy of this scarc e and curiou s wo rk
Ne w
i n a rare collection o f o l d bo oks which he ha d been
twenty years in collecting but in a m oment of m i s
fortune to protect his invaluabl e library from the
grasp of rapacious cre ditors he m ortgaged hi s whole
collectio n to a fr i e nd who having himsel f become
embarra s se d so o n conceived the i dea of savi n g him
self by dispo s ing o f sai d library But when h e broke
Open the boxes instead o f what he expecte d to find
viz massive bo oks g l i t cr i ng in thei r n e wgilt bind
ings he was horrified at the sight of a lo t of r a gge d
musty o l d bo ok s which looked as though they ha d
’
n o u t with the rubbish from N o a h s ark
bcc n th r o w
H e h e s i t a te d do u bte d lo oked thun derstruck but no t
qu i te daring to trust his own ju dgment he calle d in
the bookseller o f t he vill a ge a wise and consequential
ho saga
d e aler in spellin g books and flash novels w
of
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THE M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
12 0
-
.
pronounce d the whole collection w
o r th n ot
o ve r fifte e n dou a r s
a s o n e of the mo s t
S o here w
curious private librari es in A merica which h a d co st
t h e collecto r no t less than
kno cke d down by
the ignorance o f a stupid bo okseller to the ri diculous
figure o f fifte e n doll a r s A lthough there were many
bo oks which were worth their full weight in silver
yet to these ignoramuses they di d no t appear worth
boxing up ag a in and they were left Open expo se d to
the Go ths a n d Van dals o f a country village where the
c o ntents o f a rum Sh e p o r a lager bier cellar sto o d a
much better chance o f being un derstoo d a n d a ppr e
c i a t e d than a library o f rare books of the 15t h a n d
A nd 10 when the literary gentleman
l 6 th centuries
came back fo r his precious tomes they h a d vanishe d
—
nobo dy knew where and had been use d for n obo dy
could tell what ! Thus was destroyed o n e of the
most valuable private collections of curious old bo oks
in A merica
But no twithstanding such unfortunate cases as these
there is no doubt that there is in our country an i n
creasing love o f rare o l d bo ok s a n dwith this growing
taste will come at last a gen u ine improvemen t in o u r
n lit e rature
ow
ci ou s l y
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P
L
S E E C H O N E N G I SH
B E NE V O L E N C E
IN T H E
U
.
S
.
A t a dinner party where the speaking turned upo n
th e b e nevol e nce o f the E n gli s h i n s e n di ng funds fo r
-
,
M O D EL S PEECH M AKER
T HE
-
.
do ors peri s hing of col d a n d hunger and dri n king per
f
a n t that no slave in A merica
a
cup
l
O
f
w
e
t
u
a
l
o
p
y
ever y e t tasted In the sanitary reports of the mining
districts o f E ngland we are ma de acquainted with a
depth of misery which never before attracted the eye
There he may see in ro oms fifteen
o f civilized man
feet square t w
o rows of beds with no opening for air
where as many as fifty men sleep in s ixteen be ds
i h e r e there is no t a fla g o r board o n the flo or which
is covered with small puddles o f filthy water Mr
Wo o d tes tifies that in L ancashire he found fo r t v
eople
sleeping
in
the
same
ro
om
here
all
decency
w
p
and deli cacy were lost in overwhelming squalor H e
s ays the condition of the monkey house in the Z o Ol o g
i cal Gar dens is preferable to that o f the laboring pop
u l a ti on
In D evonshire his report tells us that fami
lie s o f six o r eight sleep in on e bed— father mo ther
u
u
rown
sons
and
da
ghters
I
have
foun
he
says
d
g
p
t hat if a number o f empty casks be placed alo n g the
Street in Whitechap el so on each will have its tenant
A work entitled L ondon L abor and L on don P oor
which has been r e published in this country gives us an
a m ount o f shocking detail o f the con dition o f the po or
or k e r s o f E ngland which the history o f no o the r
C ountry has ever recorded
”
I attended the Garden (C ovent) sai d o n e poo r
“
m a n ? for a week and lived entirely on the o fi a l o f
”
”
I walked about said ano ther two
t he m a r k e t
days and n ights without a bit t o eat except what I
—
e
a dog
k
e
in
the
g
utter
and
ate
like
oran
g
i
n
d
u
p
p
”
cabba
g
e
st
eel d
i
d
u m s a nythin g I co uld g e t
p
p
,
,
~
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S
PEE CH ON GREAT NA M E S
12 3
.
sir ! said a moth er it is hard to wo rk from
—
—
morning u n til night little ones and all and no t be
able to live by i t ei t her
Y e s it is in deed very hard to s e e s o m a ny E ngli s h
mo thers starving t o death while the E ngli s h la dies
have plenty o f cash to send o u t here to o u r robu s t
stalwart fi ghtin g vagabonds o f K ansas
A n E nglish (L ee ds ) paper state d that at an inquest
it was asserted and no t denie d by the surgeon tha t
three hundred chil dren in L eeds alone were put to
death yearly t o avo id the misery o f their living a n d
the murde rers ere never discovered W ell eno u gh
may C arlyle thun der o u t at the E xeter H all philan
th e y would save the S arawah cut
thr O pi s t s that
thro ats with their po isoned spears but igno re the
thirty thousand needle women the three millio n pa u
per s a n d the C onnaught po tential cannibalism
VVe in America may have many sins to ato ne for
but the E nglish man o r the E n glish lady w
ho sen ds
his o r he r money here as a charity to o u r oppresse d
is a g o od de a l fool i s h and not a l i ttle i mp u de n t while
the A m e r i ca n that would a s k al m s o f E ngl a nd fo r o u r
poo r o r oppressed fo rfeits his claims to respect while
l i vin g and to a n hono red grave when he is dead
O h,
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,
P
S E E CH O N G R E AT NAM E S
A worshipper
T he g
of
f
r e a t na me s o
.
antiquity proposed thi s
a nti
— Ma the be
t
i
y
y
q y
u
e
ve r
t oas t
befo r e
12 4
M O D EL S PEE CH M AKER
T HE
to i nsp i r
-
w
i th
l o ve
.
t de e ds
as
he
fg
was n o speech maker himself he calle d upo n a wag
gi s h friend to speak upon i t
This to ast i s alrea dy
realize d sai d he humo rously for the great name s
of antiquity a r e always before us Fo r instance C ato
keeps a sausage stand in W ashington market C ae sar
’
is a barber in the Bowery B rutus is a pork butcher s
watch do g in C hristopher street George L aw ha s go t
P omp ey in a s table on Fifth aven u e N ero is a parro t
which curses and swears in the back yar d o f a hotel in
Bro oklyn ; P lato is a lap dOg which is kisse d a n d
caressed day and night by a b e a utiful la dy at the S t
N icholas ho tel ; A ntony drives a fi s h wagon in t he
nineteenth ward ; the great Gustavus A dolphus i s a
falo ; A lexander is a cook in P hi l a de l
Sheri ff in Bu f
’
phia ; C icero is a negro waiter at Barnum s in Balti
more H orace edits a newspaper in N ew Yo rk H an
nibal is a candi date fo r the Vice P residency o f the
United S tates ; Abraham still ab oun ding in faith is
running a race fo r a mansio n In Washington and John
is tra velling in the wilderness hunting for the same
pl ace while S tephen the Martyr yet lives in a n u n
go dly place called Washington which is a djacent to
the United S tates But gentlemen enough of thi s I
confess that I have a profound appreciation of the
sentiment o f the toast which has been o fle r e d by our
learne d friend and I have no respect whatever fi r
that narrow prejudice which is based in igno ra n ce
al one that consi ders the wis dom of p ast a ges a s o f no
importance in comparison with the achievemen t o f
T he p resent is o nly a p art o f th e
the p resent time
u s
,
e u s
a
r ea
o
a nd
-
,
“
.
”
,
,
,
.
,
-
-
-
,
-
,
.
-
-
,
-
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
'
,
,
,
s
.
THE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER
2 6
-
an inventory
bo ast
I
am o
T he
P
L
w
ne r o f th e
’
ta r s ,
h a n d,
s ar s
or
d C hr i s t
’
s
s
ph
A
e re
l ye
b
nd P l t o
he
a
ar
t,
PO WE R
A C Q UI RE
L E G ALLY
ca n
ar ,
’
a
which we
,
a nd s o a r
S E E CH O N T H E
TO
of
the greatest things
s e ve n s
O f C ae
Of
of
.
s
r ain
a n d S ha
,
ke s p e a r e
’
s s tr a i n
.
U NI T E D
OF THE
ME X I C O
AND
S T AT E S
C E NT RA L
ME RI CA
A t a dinner party
statesmen and diplomatic gen
t l e m e n the su bj ect of the rival interests o f E ngland
a n d A merica in the C entral A merican Mexic a n and
C uban questions became the subject of di s cussion A
di s tingui s he d E ngli s h gentleman argued that A merica
coul d never exte n d her boun daries in that direction
w i thou t a bre a ch of international law which E ng
lan d would feel itself forced to interfere to pre
vent
A n A merican gentleman replied that he was awar e
the A merican and E nglish press h a d long appeared
to be laboring with mutual anxiety in relatio n to the
fin a l s ettlement of this questio n ; a n d there c a n be no
do ubt t hat a feeling of painfu l alarm has reste d u pon
t he min ds o f the m ore conservative people o f bo th
co u n t ri e s A n d y e t I confe s s myself una ble to s e e a ny
pro bable o r even possible groun d of colli s ion be t w
ee n
N o doubt E ng
t he t w
o governments o n this question
-
of
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
T HE
s r nnc n o n
U
N IT E D S T A T E S
l and woul d hate t o see the S tates of
12 7
.
C entral A merica
Mexico a n d C u ba absorbed by the United S tates
and it is a very great doubt if it would be for the
heal th and happiness of o u r country to do it but
that we ca n do i t without violating any law o r taking
any step that E ngland can rightfully object to is very
evident to my min d Indeed if our government pleases
to be so unwisely ambi t ious as to treat every S tate o n
this continent as the bo a constrictor treats its victims
—
— slobber them all over a n d then s w
allow them E ng
land canno t and dare no t seriously interfere to pre
vent us R easons as po te n t as those which ma de her
finally hol d her peace when we acquired Texas a n d
C alifo rnia would apply to every inch o f territory on
this continent if w
e chose to make them
Fo r it i s
not only the settled practice of the Unite d S tates but
it is the rule of the E nglish government itself to a o
knowle dge the de fa c to govern m ent of any country as
i ts rightful government without the least regard to i t s
—
origin wi thout pausing to ask whether it is the chil d
of long descent o r the o f
fs pring of recent revolution
E ngland dare no t quarrel with u s for o bservi n g that
rule ; a n d under i t we can safely acquire whatever
territo ry may be an obj ect o f desire to us W e are
s peaking now no t o f what would be wise fo r u s to do
but of what we legally have the power to do
A Spirit o f enterprise and adventure is the rulin g
characteri s tic o f the A meri can people a n d i t is no t in
the power o f o u r government if i t were its wish to
preven t them from seeking their fo rtunes in whatever
new fields may tempt their ambition T he v may peace
a nd
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
12 8
THE
M ODE L
SP
EE CH MAKE R
-
.
abl y emigrate t o any sp ot they ple as e may bu y lan ds
o r squat o n unoccupied land { may mul t iply and a t
tract others until they bec o me an element of their own
and then quickly acquir e a po wer that is necessarily in
active conflict with the lower civilization of the coun try
of their adoption a n dwhich in time must res ult in r e vo
l u ti on and that is followed by i ndep e nde nce or th e
—
establishment of a new government all o f which nei
ther A merica n o r E ngl and ca n prevent It m a y be
”
s neered at as
manifest destiny but it is ma nife s t de s
ti ny n evertheless
A merica has nothing t o do but to
acknowle dge the de fa cto government whateve r i ts
o rigin and where and ho wcould E ngland i nterfere ?
The principle i s one which E nglan d is not entitle d t o
dispute It is o n e which she has a dop ted a n dacted upon
herself A nd it is moreover a principle of nu ques
t i o n a bl e soundness and justice
O u r alliances a r e with
n a ti ons
n o t with dyn a s ti e s
Whatever form o f gov
e r nm e n t a people cho ose o r acknowle dge that govern
ment is rec ognize d as so on as it i s bondfi de establishe d
even tho u gh it had its origi n in revolution o r usurpa
Thus E ngland di d not hes itate to recognize t he
t ion
S outh A merican R epublics when they th r ew o ff the
dominion o f the S panish C rown Thus too she recog
ni z e d L ouis P hillippe as king o f France when t h e
’
revolution of July pl aced him on his cousin s throne
S o it also recognized that brief and abortive French
R epublic which had L amartine for its P re s i de n t and
ledged L ouis N apoleon a s
s oon a fterwar ds ackno w
E mperor because he was so de fa cto notwithstanding
l ar g e numbers o f hi s o w
n countryme n and the civil
,
,
,
,
,
.
~
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
T HE M O D EL S PEEC H M AKER
13 0
-
.
want and neglect S o di d C ollins
Milton di d no t receive as much for his P ara dise L o s t
a s a mo dern autho r gets fo r a shilling novel — h e r e
f
ce i vi n
for
that
immortal
work
but
fi
t
een
poun
d
in
s
g
three payments a n d th e great autho r finishe d hi s days
i n obscurity Dry de n lived in poverty and di s tre s s
’
O tway die d in the street of hunger
S teele s li fe was a
perpetual warfare with the ba i l i fi s Gol ds mith was
no better o ff and Fiel ding lies burie d in a factory
burying ground at L isbon without a s tone to mark
’
the spo t S avage died in the poo r debtor s prison at
Bristol Butler C hurchill a n d C hatterto n were little
better O ff C olton the autho r of L acon etc bl e w
o u t his brains in a fit of ma dness pro duce d by absolute
wa nt What a tale O f p overty and misery is the life
S hakespeare a n dthe great au thor s of
o f Ben Jonson !
his time did no t sleep o n beds of down in gardens o f
roses T he brigh t and beautiful S helley led a life
o f unrest and sorro w
N o wgentlemen how shall we talk of the wrongs
whil s t the s e terrible facts are
o f m ode r n authors
scowling upon us out of the p ast ?
The only rewar d which Theo dore Gaza receive d
fro m Sixtus IV for his de dicatio n of the Treatise O f
Aristo tle o n the N ature o f A nimals was the price of
the binding o f his bo ok which the P ope generously
repaid to hi m and which the author accepte d Tasso
was no t more successful with his de dication s Ario s to
’
in presenting hi s po ems to th e car dinal d E s t c was
salute d with sarcasm which w
ill be remembere d a s
long as his works The ol d hi s torian D upleix a very
S penser die d o f
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
'
.
-
,
-
.
.
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
“
,
,
,
“
.
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
S
PEECH
AN A U T HOR
or
13 1
.
clever autho r presente d o n e o f his bo oks t o the Duk e
’
and that nobleman turned abruptly
o f dE pe r n i n
’
towar ds the P ope s nuncio
ho was present and
‘
This is one of your bree din g authors he
r emarked
’
i s delivered Of a bo ok every month
’
Burnet speaks o f o n e P rior and Whitlo ck o f
’
A nd yet we cannot deny
o n e Milton a blind man
that Burnet and Whitlo ck were men Of talents and
reputation themselves
But e read in H eath an
‘
Obscure chronicler o f civil wars that One Milto n
since stricken with blindness wro te against S a l ma s i u s
a n d composed an impudent and blasphemo u s bo ok
’
calle d I cono clastes
O n e o f those ignorant but successful booksellers
h o published things in numbers
in P aterno ster r o
’
went to Gibbon s lodgings in S t James street and
ad dre s sed the great author as follows
S i r I am now
publishing a H istory of E ngland done by several goo d
hands I understand that yo u have a knack Of them
there things and should be glad to give you every
’
reasonable encouragement
A s so on as Gi bbon recovere d the use of his leg s
and tongue which were petrified with surprise he ran
t o the bell a n d Ordere d his servant t o show this e n
’
c ourager o f learning down stairs
N ow ho wshall we co m plain of a want o f du e
respect to the professio n o f a n author as a mo dern
vice when s u ch autho rs as Gibbon could be thu s
appro ache d in his time ?
N O gentlemen m o dern authors h ave no reason to
complain either O f the publi s hers or the public If
,
,
,
w
,
,
.
,
.
,
w
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
-
ww
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
.
“
,
,
,
.
“
,
,
,
'
,
,
.
T HE M O D EL S P E ECH M AKER
13 2
-
the p u bl i s he r s a n d
place , my advice to
.
th e p u bl i c are willing to
the a u thor s is to keep q u
subj ect ; unle s s they open their mouths to
J u ve n a l P e r i t u r az p a r c i te cha r tce
spare a
’
al r e a dy doomed to di e
,
,
.
13 4
THE
T OA S T M A S T ER
-
’
S
C O M PAN I O N
.
’
cruel wretch tou ches him o n s om e s o r e sp ot whi ch
a nd
i ng s
akes him up a n d causes him to fla p hi s w
s cr e a m
and s ca tte r the afore s ai d i ns e c ts a bou t
him until the very wind O f heaven is lousy with his
enemie s
In giving to asts i t is better to err on the si de O f
mo desty and do to o little than to attempt to much
‘
v
Vit is a sharp weapon and a dangerou s one in the
han ds of a blo ckhead The moral o f the story of the
monkey ho attempted to shave himself with his mas
’
ter s razor applies j u st as well in this place
w
,
”
“
,
,
”
“
”
“
”
“
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
w
.
,
“
Th
ou
gh
l
wll
ddl w
i t h dg
oth e r s u s e
Sho u dn e
v
e r
me
th e m
e
e
ye
-
e
e
-
t fo o
l
t oo s
l
s
”
.
It is best for a gentleman who is going to a dinner
where to asting and drinking may b e the order of the
da y to arm himself with at least o n e go o d to a s t be
forehand ; so i f the o ccasio n fail to suggest a better
o n e he can fall back upon the O ne already prepare d
,
,
,
,
.
PA T RI O T I C
TO
AS T S
.
country o ur whole country and no thing but
country
Ou r
,
,
ou r
.
America —
The birthplace o f liberty and the asylum
fo r the oppressed o f every lan d
,
.
The Union— N O nor t h no south
o n e a n d i n divisibl e
,
.
,
no
east
,
no
we s t but
,
PA T R I O TI C T OA S T S
Ou r
13 5
.
N ative L and — May it ever continue the abo de
freedom and the birthplace Of hero es
,
A merican
C ommerc
e
—
of
the S tates
.
May it be universally extended
C onfusion to those fanati cs
union
of
h
w
.
conspire a g ainst the
o
.
next P resident o f the United S tates— un der his
administration may neither demagogues nor thieve s
find place and O ffice
T he
.
L iberty
all over the world
.
Free commerce for a free people
.
L iberty May it n e ver degenerate into licentiousness
D isgrace to the enemies
of
the C onstitution
Weal th security and resistance
,
,
O bedience t o
Our
the l aws
—
Judiciary
mercy
to
.
.
Oppressio n
.
.
The swo rd
of
justice in the hand Of
.
Disgrace to all malco ntents and a Speedy
dissen t ions
,
e nd
to
all
.
A merican H eraldry
of n
—
An
’
at u r e s no ble m an
.
honest heart
,
i h the breas t
w
t
THE T OA S T M A S T ER
136
-
’
S
C O M PAN I ON
Ma y foreign fashions never corrupt
.
A merican manners
.
May the ambitious demagogue who strives to di s
sever the union o f these S tates succeed in rising as
high as the gallows
,
,
.
—
R evol u tio n
The Fathers o f our
disgrace their parentage
May
May their sons neve r
.
love fo r o u r country be without bounds and
love o f justice without fear
ou r
ou r
,
.
The Am erican E agle— May she build her nest in every
forest o n this continent
.
A merican V alor— May
nations
T he
it
of
shine in the face
all
.
—
P eople
American
May they ever be blessed with
political peace and domestic happiness
.
May every A merican when his country c alls Spr i ng
’
forth to meet his country s fo e
,
,
.
D efence
C
May
quick t o strike and strike home
of
T he
ou r
—
ountry
ou r
s
oldiers be
.
,
May all A mericans Share equally the blessings of lib
e r ty and ever stand ready to co ntend for the right s
and liberties o f mankind
,
.
h
May those w
are disco ntented with their own coun
’
try l e a ve their co u n try fo r their co u n try s g o o d
o
,
.
T HE T OA S T M A S T ER
13 8
-
American C ommerce
of
the o cean
May
-
’
S
it
C O M PAN I O N
.
be co mmander i h chief
-
-
.
P rogress o f o u r C ountry— May
t e r e d by faction
T he
it
never be fet
.
h o betrays his country never find a co u ntry
May he w
to shelter hi m
.
a m—
Uncle S
May the venerable Old gentleman so on
sweep o u r legislative halls clea n o f pugilists duel
i s t s and thieves
,
.
,
—
box
Ballo t
May the vigilance o f the people pre
serve i t from the corruptio n o f faction
T he
-
.
The Tree O f L iberty— May every American ever h a v e
a belly full o f its fruit
.
w
l i be r ty
e enj oy
r i n c i le s
f
r
e
e
d
o
m
p
p
of
May th e
never b e u sed
to
s
ubvert
.
May the weight
ou r
credit
of ou r
taxes never break the b a ck
.
May the S on s
Vir tu e
of
L iberty marry the D au ghters Of
.
Trade and Manufactures— May they never be
cramped by the fetters Of monopoly
Ou r
.
Ma y civil
a nd
religi ous liberty ever go hand
in
han d
.
PA T R I O TI C T OA S T S
May peace a n d plenty ever res t
A merican s oil
13 9
.
the b osom
on
of o u r
.
h o try t o enrich themselves at th e
May those w
pense o f o u r country find the devil t o p ay
”
ple n ty o f pitch ho t
”
,
,
.
The watchwo rd
of
A merica
wever enj oy f
May
’
e
r ee
Who s afr aid ?
without fa cti on
do m
.
May o u r country never cease to deserve wel
and may we never cease t o deserve well
country
1
.
l iberty dawned may it
splendor
“ There
r
,
is e
i ts meridian
to
.
In
ational disputes may we never engage in a bad
cause and may e never fly from a g o od o n e
n
w
,
Ou r
C
—
onstitution
halter
Wh e r e
T he
u r
or
May its un q uiet fo es
fi nd r
est in
a
.
The sp ot where
O
.
l
t he
wwere b orn
e
wm
a tt e r a l l
o
l v
e n ca n o
da y ,
an
e
,
a n d th e
d t he fo r m e r
a ll ni
A merican Boys — W ho have
ar
can al l
gh t
fi g ht
”
.
m s fo r
their g irls
,
’
fo r their country s fo e s
Religio n
factio n
me n
.
wi thout sectariani s m and politics without
,
.
14 0
T HE
T OA S T M A S T ER
-
C O M PAN I ON
.
’
L et him who do n t like
—
in
The land we live
leave it
’
S
it
.
—
The P ress May i t ever be free without licentiousness
a n d bol d wi t hout intolerance
,
.
To the memory
The br a i n the
,
t u ti o n
WE B S T ER C LA Y and JACK S ON
to ng u e and the s w
or d o f the C o nsti
of
,
,
,
.
The upright electo r
h never sells his vo te
w
o
.
The Three great A merican G eneral s — G eneral P eace
G eneral P ro sperity a n d G eneral S atisfaction
.
,
S uccess t o
S ucces s
May
ou r
,
N avigation and C o mmerce
to the P romoters
of
C ommerce like
ou r
,
.
C ommerce
s
ha do
.
w never
s
,
American C omm erce— May it never
be less
du l l ,
be
.
but
always be well J a p a n n e d
.
NAVA
A rmy
L
AN D
M IL I T ARY
TO
AS T S
.
—
N
avy
The gallant sentinel s
and
of
the n a
’
tion s hono r by land and sea at home a n d abro a d
Ou r
.
,
The A rmy and N avy Those twin giant defenders
’
’
o u r nation s rights and our natio n s glory
-
s
-
.
of
14 2
THE
“
’
T O AS T M A S T ER S C O M PAN I ON
-
M a y th e
tar s
A n d ove r h e r
of
C ol
e ne
u
b
p
m i a tr i u m h an t
mi e s
a
l wy s p e v i l
a
a
r
.
ly s i l
a
,
”
.
h o n ever turned his ba c k to
brave so l dier w
the enemy n ever hav e a friend turn his back upon
him
M ay the
,
,
.
May A merican fortitude
trial and dan g er
a nd
c ou r a g e
e
ve r mo ck at
.
May the Old A merican tar
to ssed at sea al w
ays find
shore
,
,
h
w
been tempes t
wel come o n his native
o
a
ha s
.
May every m utin o u s spirit find
in the de a d s e a
no
place
to
anchor but
.
S taunch
them
H ealth
ships well
,
r
i gg ed
,
a nd
brave tars
to
man
.
t o S oldiers , S ailo r
s and all jolly fe llows
,
.
The A merican N avy— May i t ever sail o n a sea o f
i
d
e
d
u
lory
be
wafted
by
the
gales
Of
prosperity
g
g
l
by the compass Of justice and enter the port o f vic
tory
,
,
,
.
TO
the sweet little cherub tha sits
watch fo r the life Of po or Jack
t
u
p
aloft
,
t o k eep
.
T o the me mo ry
i ng to n
.
Of the F a the r
Of
hi s
—
C ou n tr y Wash
D
R I NK I N G T OA S T S
14 3
.
memo ry o f those w
ho fought and bled with Wash
i ng t o n to secure o u r independenc e
T he
.
The glorious memory o f o u r a n cestors
’
life s blo o d to establish o u r liberty
,
h
w
o
shed their
-
.
T he
T he
A n d t he
T he
of
discoverer
wi d th t bl w
n
a
o
p t h t go e
l as s th t l ve s
s hi
a
s
a
the
Ne
to
,
l
a s a i or
.
w
World — C ol u mb u s
K ING
frien d and a bottle
,
o
D R IN
A
s,
TO
AS T S
give him
.
.
A go o d supper a go o d bottl e and a go o d bed
oo
d
fello
w
g
,
,
.
to
ever y
.
A full belly a heavy purse and a light heart
,
,
A bo ttle at night and business in
,
B e auty
,
it
w
,
a nd
win e
gn e for
s ham friends
a
ou r
morning
.
.
C lean gl asses and Old cork s
C hamp
the
.
.
real friends and rea l pain f
,
o
ou r
r
.
G
o o d win e g oo d
,
co mp
any
,
a nd
g o o d O ppo rtu ni ty
.
T HE T OA S T M A S TER
144
-
fo r
May we never want
drink it
wine
’
S
,
-
c o M P AN I O N
nor
fo r
.
a friend
hel p
to
.
May friendship dr a w the cork and love the curtain
,
May we never see
May all
ou r
“
M ay
cares be dro wned in wine
w lwy
e
T h e fe
O l d W ine
’
H ere s
frown in a bumper
a
as
a
t
a
s
m i ng
le
flo
wf
.
y b ow
l
,
o
.
the heart that fills as the bo ttle emptie s
to
The delights o f music love and win e
,
To
wine
.
i n th e fr i e n dl
o f r e as o n , a n d t h e
and young women
of
the big bellied bo ttle
.
,
.
.
-
—
women
Wine and
taste for bo th
may
.
w
e ne
ver
be t o o
t o ha v e
Old
a
.
—
friend
wife on e bo ttle and o n e
the first beauti
ful the second full and the last ever faithfu l
O ne
,
,
,
H ere
’
s
to
,
.
,
’
’
B acchus blisses and Ve n us kisses
,
C om e p u s h th e g o b l e t r ou n d
a y du ll s o r r o w
A n ddr i ve a w
C o m e p u s h the goble t r ou n d
A n d gi ve u s m o r e t O m o r o w
,
,
,
,
-
r
.
.
146
T OA S T M A S T ER
T HE
-
’
S
C O M PAN I O N
.
his for m be well looke d u p
ar ms Of a char ming wife
May he never k now hat it is t o want a q u oi n
T HE
—
R
P R INTE
May
“
'
w
i n the
.
.
T HE T I NK E R — A de v
out m a n ,
whos e life i s Spent
r
i
e
n
i
l
m
a
m
e
the
mistakes
and
t
o
d
r
e
r
i
a
g
p g
p
wastes which other people have ma de
in
the
,
T HE
—
F IRE M AN The sentinel Of
a
homes ; ma y he
protect the property a n d
ou r
burn only with ardor t o
life o f the city
May the flames o f dissention nev e r find fuel in
heart
The Fire D epartment —the army that dr aws water
stead O f blo o d and thanks instead o f tears
;
hi s
.
’
-
.
,
T HE
—
C ARPENT ER May he ha ve
go o d
T HE
bo a r di ng
—
A C T OR A
in
w a r m ho use
a
a nd
.
bumper every ni g h t
.
P L UM B ER— Though his busines s i s to fu rni s h man
kind with the dumb blessings o f l i g ht and water
m a y he be a g o o d sp ou te r and easily turn his l e a d
into g old
T HE
,
,
.
T HE
B L AC
T HE BW
KS
—
MI H Tu
T
f-
M a y he
e
‘
very s pecu l a ti on may he a lways
al
wy
a
s
dr a
wp
u
t for
on con e n
t
‘
A LL
TO A STS EOE
—
OA
n
A
T H E R D M AR E
Of hi s c o u n tr y
-
PROTESSTONS.
h
wym w
hi g h
an
a
o
14 7
deserve s well
.
A
CA
A
C O A L Mme nm
.
RD M AK E R
-
A
Ma y he
‘
fu ll
e
a
AN
i n the
T
orl
w
cu
u m s
r
t
p
p
StO:u e r s
e
ve r
.
be g r a te
“
knocki ng do
wmay
n
he
e
ve r
r
is e
d
.
D I S TI L L ER— Ma y
T HE
C O AC H M A K ER
T HE
—
P A I NT ER M a
to
h
i
s
y
u
.
A U C TI ONEER—By
HE
ofte n t u r n
-
g ratify
he
May
-
h
e
y
hi s ta s te
ne
ve r
all
h a ve
a
be
hi s
ou
t of sp i r i ts
w
h l
be
ee s
l
t
o
o
d
l
e
a
g
p
,
Of
tho s e
a nd
l
nt
e
y
p
.
MA N S W I RE — May the l i g htni ng of
u nd
t
h
r
ne ver cause hi m t o be afr a i d o
e
f
’
E V ER Y
.
he r
e
e
y
.
T H E SADD
ne
L
—
ER
ver h a v e
hi m
May he s i t u po n a s oft cu s hi on a n d
the misdeed s Of o ther s s addled upo n
,
.
B O O K K EE PER— Ma y h e faith fu l l y k e e p hi s books
a nd ma y hi s b o ok s ke e
h
p
T HE
-
'
,
14 8
THE TO
A S T M A S T ER
-
’
S
C O M PAN I O N
A MAT O RY T O AS T S
Fai r est Work
T he
Al l
L Ove
th a t
ca n
Beauty s best
C
C harm
trik e
’
to
s
H e a rt
s
of
N at
giv e
u r e
S ight ,
.
H e a rt e nj oy
—
omp anion Mo desty
th e
.
— Wom a n
a n d t he
.
.
.
a nd
,
Meri t
to
i
w
th
n
e
.
H appy L o v e r s
a nd
M e r r y M a id s
.
without licen tio u s n e s s and P lea su r e without ex
L ov e
,
ce s s
.
L ov e witho u t deceit
L ove t o
o ne
Fr iendship
and
L ov e
May
,
V irtu e marry
’
May L ove s
,
a nd
Matrimony without r egret
to
R easo n be
fe
w
,
and
friends
Goo d will
a nd
,
all
to
Beauty
.
a nd
.
L a bo r
never be lost
w
May the villain ho r o bs
wi thout a friend
'
a
-
.
a
.
wom a n
Of
he r
vi rtu e di e
,
.
M a y the Flam e
kindl e d it
.
of
L ov e
ne
ve r
bu r n
u
t
h
e
p
s
park th a t
150
OA ST M A S T ER
THE T
Dr i n
-
k ye
to he
A nd i f ye
T ha t
“
K ATE
,
in
a
nu r s e
a
s
to d bu t t o h e
e
wi l l
n o t as
bu mper ,
C O M AN I ON
P
.
l o ve s b e s t
e ach
th a t
l
’
T
r
’
S
,
fla m e
m u tu
r
k he r
a
nam e
whereve r
s he
lb
r e as t,
.
go e s
.
Woman s L ip s and Wom a n s H e a r t— May
be sealed whe n the l a tter is n o t Open
’
’
,
the
.
LITE RARY AN D AR T IS T I C
T he fathe r
T he
princ
Of E nglish p oe try— G e o i
e of
T he founder
—
colorists T iti a n
Of p
The father Of
h
D
avy
r
p y
re
y
.
Ch
a u ce r
.
o etic a l r omanc e — L uigi P u lc i
e xp e r
i m cnta l
.
.
phi losophy— Si r H u m
.
The father
of
mo dern philo sophy— R o g e r Ba c on
father
of
Italian po etry— D an t
T he
The po et
of
T he father
love — P etr a rch
.
—
It
lian
pro
se
B occ a cc i o
of
a
,
.
L ITER ARY
A N D ART ISTIQ
—
T he fathe r Of e n gr aving Albert D u r e r
C
—
T he first E n g lish printer Willia m
T he
princ e
of
po etical romance
—
The pri n c e o f novelists
T he
T he
a x to n
T he
prince Of musici a ns
de
V e ga
C orneille
Mo z ar t
The Milto n Of mu s i c — H andel
The
E nglish
A nacreo n
- -
r
.
.
.
.
—
The prince Of portrait painter s V a ndyck
-
.
w
prince Of S panish po ets — L ope z
father Of French
.
—
riters A rio sto
C ervantes
—
tragedy
151
.
.
.
.
H err i ck
R ob e rt
.
—
The prince o f lan dscap e pai n ter s C lau d e L orr ai ne
—
m or R a bel a i s
T he
father Of mo dern pr o s e hu
T he
prince Of pa i nter s —R aphael
.
.
The father
of
mo dern essayis ts— Mo n tai g ne
The fathe r
Of
biography — P lutarch
.
.
.
.
T HE T OA S T MA S T ER S C O M PAN I ON
152
T he
’
-
prince
of
P ortu gu ese po ets
-
C amo en
The princ e Of It a lian composers—
of
The pri n ce
of a
T he
ctor s — Garrick
—
f
tra
g
edy
E
o
i nv e n to r
.
Pai s s e l l o
.
dr amatic p oets — Sh a ke s pe a r e
The princ e
T h e father
s
.
of
th e
se
.
.
hyl u s
.
st a g e — Thespi s
—
The fa ther o f history H erod o tu s
.
.
The g reat founder Of pr a ctical philo s ophy— S o cr a tes
—
The princ e Of sculpto rs P hidias
The father
—
E u pol i s
o f com e dy
The prin ce
of
.
.
o r a tor s — D emo sth e ne s
.
The father Of m e ch a nic s — A rchimed e s
The princ e
of
.
pastor a l po e ts —Th e o cr i t u s
—
comedy
.
T he fath e r
of L
T he fa the r
Of mo dern satirical paintin g— H o g arth
atin
P lautus
.
—
T he prince o f Italian dramatists Al fi e r i
.
.
.
154
T OA S T M A S T ER
T HE
A f i e n d i n th e
“
r
To fill
’
S
-
m or n i n
w
i h pl
t
u s
A
heavy purse and
A
freehold in a
unmortgaged
g
,
C O M PAN I O N
e e
he a r t
t
l
a n d bl i s u u
e as u r e
at ni
l de i gh t
'
light heart
a
w
a s
.
ght
,
”
.
.
leasa
n
t
co
try
li
g
h
tly
ax
u
n
t
e
d
p
,
,
an
d
.
A
health
to
those
A
health
to
ou r
wlov
e
friends
,
be st
e
ou r
s
.
weeth e a r ts
C harity without o stentation and
bigotr y
.
.
C om e fill a b u m p e r
.
,
M a y m i r t h,
I n th e m
,
fi ll i t
a nd W i ne
an
,
l
a o ne
For t o be m e
Le t
wives
eligio n without
r
,
,
a nd
tr u
e
y
’
rr
s
r ou n d
,
bo
dW i t
a
o
e s
wi d m li
t
b w
i
s
o
se
e
u nd
”
.
dull care b e drowned in sparkling wine
E qual
punishment
villain
t o the
agged
r
r a
sc a l
.
a nd
the
r
ich
.
’
Freedom s
‘C om e
For
T he
,
no
n
M ay
fill
pl
u
fi re—
p
yo
e as u r e
l e t t h i s be
w
e
’
ne e r
May it never g o
ou
t
.
gl as s e s an d j o i n i n the ch ant
li k e d i n k i n g g o o d a l e y ou m u s t
u r
’
s
,
r
t o a s t, W hi
ou r
wa nt
,
a
fr i e
l
r
nd
o
,
ll
gl
du
e
a
ca r e
as s
’
of
w
e
as s a i
go o d a l e
g
l
r
a nt
;
"
.
H ere s goo d health t o e ve r ybody le s t somebody should
feel himse l f sli gh te d
,
.
MI S CE LL ANEO US T OA S T S
H owever rough the ro ad
on
to
the end Of o u r
L iberality
155
.
of
life , may
j ourney
wj
e
merrily
og
.
in booksellers and inte g rity in a uthors
,
L ovely women— May they ever
pleas u re u nder
.
fi nd
pro tection and
military a nd n aval power
ou r
.
May we be able t o lo ok forward with
backward without regret
e
leasur
p
,
and
.
May w
e n e ver br e ak
ta ti e n
a
j ok e
o
th e
ve r
head
of r
epu
.
Ma y o u r i njurie s b e
ships in marble
witte
r
n
in
s a nd, a n d o u r
fr i e n d
'
.
May the m o r nin g o f prosperity
evening o f adve r sity
n ot
be forgo tten i n the
.
M ay flattery never sit in the parlor
be kicked
ou
t
of
do o rs
w
May e look around
with gratitude
u s
,
n or
plain deali ng
.
with pleasure and above
,
u s
.
e never swea r an honest girl o u t
May w
no r a n honest man o u t o f a just debt
of
her vir t u e
.
May
th e
s
unshine
of
plenty dispel the clouds
Ma y tempta tion never con q uer virtue
.
of
care
.
,
T HE T OA S T M A S T ER
156
-
M ay wnever feel want
e
,
e
t o mu
rmur
rmur
u
e
the
a nd
.
the la
w
s
ca n
r e
putation
be
May hO p e
w
itho
u
t
ca u s e
a
have caus e
n
r
o
,
.
wnever make
Ma y
honor
.
.
wnever m
May
C O M PAN I ON
want feeling
no r
M ay hemp bind those whom
no t
’
S
of
sw o rd
o thers
a
of ou r
ton g ues
to
wound
.
the physician
h fi calamity i
w
e
s
be
May fortune recover her eyesight and
distribution o f he r favor s
,
the diseas e
ju s t
.
i n t he
.
w
May e always par t with re g r e t
pleasu r e
,
a nd m
eet again
vi l th
.
May prudenc e
o f day s
andt
emperanc e
be
crowned with leng
th
.
wb abl e t shu l w d th d vil
May w lways comma d s ccess by deservin g it
Ma y
e
e
n
o
n
e a
May a l l men
principles
of
a
an
e
e
.
u
bas e p r inciples be ab a ndoned by
.
thei r
.
Ma y t he be s t da y
co me
.
wh v
e
a
e se e n
be the
wo r s t th a t i s
to
158
May
THE T
May the flowe r
of
M a y t hi s be
‘
fig f
A
May
’
S
C O M PAN I ON
cutting satire never cut a friend
ou r
“
OA ST M A ST ER
-
m axi m
ou r
s of
t he c ar e
or
wnever hesitate t
e
M ay
w wi th M
e
y
De f
.
a ffection never wither
O l d ca r e
wh
’
e re e r
whi l
t he
r
t a
o cu
-
e
a
-
.
wi l d
'
t
ar e
decay
or
r
,
wo l d
i
g g
r
’
.
friend when he s lat/fi
o m u s an d the
ti m e
a n d fa t h e r
w
.
o d of
g
es
.
W i ne ,
.
May geni u s always beam in r adiance fro m the Amer i
can sta g e
.
May
i t never raise
w
M ay
To
w
’
e ne e r
e rr
is
blush
a
on
the face Of beauty
for g e t th e i m m o r t al
h u m a n — to fo r gi ve , divi n e
of
May superstition never make fo ols
May every
reform
r a ke
po
review
hi s p r og r e s s ,
e
t
’
s
line
.
,
’
.
the wise
.
and every harlo t
.
“
T he m an t ha t
W i th
p
a
re
S e n d hi m to
A nd
T he
brav e women
fa t hers
wb
e
w
h
o
e
wi ll
tt
n ot
be m e
y gi l i n b
se a
u
p
r
in
W he
y
d,
e
a
rr
rr
t i n hi s s te
sto o d by the
y
a
,
d
g
.
u ns
of ou r
fo re
.
’
’
Woman s smile and woman s tea r— o ne
o ther to soften the heart o f m a n
.
to
enlive n
,
the
M A S ON I C T OAS TS
H
’
e re s
Li k wi
t o the
se
e
H
l s i x te e n
wi d wf fifty
to th e m a i de
’
e re s
b ol d
to th e
A n d he r e
’
n of
an
I ll
Ma y
Dr i n k t o t he
r
want br e ad
qu
’
s
e a n,
t hr i ft
Don
.
,
a n e x cu s e
for th e
make
toa s t
to
a
gl a s s
Giovanni
a nd e
,
”
.
.
May hu n g er never fail to find a go o d co ok
May the devil turn
scoldin g wives
y
,
war r a nt She ll p r ove
e
tha t
e
as
,
,
if
w
p s
l as s
’
wneve
hfu
de x t r a va ga nt
t o th e h o u s e
s
as
o
o
L e t t he t o a s t
’
b
159
.
.
lope with
al l
.
B cch s n i t e d
h o m j o lly m o t l s l l b o as t
Of w
d o ft i nvi te d
M y th y t o o b
B a lw ys th ge ne a l t o as t
T o V e nu
s a nd
u
a
u
r
a
e
a
e
,
e
,
”
r
.
M a y a l l sin g le men be married ,
be happy
a
o ar
ur
,
a
,
d al l marr ied me n
an
.
MAS O NI C
TO
AS T S
.
ve r y b r o the r b o th a n ci e nt a n d y o u n g
W ho b r i dle s hi s p as s i o ns a nd gove r n s hi s t o n gu e
Le t
u s
to as t
e
,
,
”
.
A
of
pplicatio n
the 2 4 inch gauge so t hat
may measure o u t and husband o u r time wisely
r
O
e
r
a
p p
-
,
.
Al l the
friend s
of
the
cr
aft
.
w
e
160
T HE
T OA S T M A S T ER
-
All fre e born sons
w meet
As
e
s quare
Al l
of
’
S
C O M PAN I ON
.
the ancient and honorable
upon the level may
,
w p art
e
u
e
th e
I
O
p
.
faithfu l and tru e brother s
.
h hav been g rand masters
w
E very bro ther w
h keeps the key f k
l dg
w
All bro thers
e
o
.
o
o
e
no
t
from
intruders but cheerfu l ly gives it to a worthy
brother
,
.
w
E very
brother ho maintains
and sincerity in friendship
a
consistency in love
,
.
w
worthy brother ho w
a s at fir st duly prepared
and who se hear t still retains an awfu l regard t o
the thr ee g re a t li ghts o f masonry
E very
,
’
.
G olden eggs
lodge
to
every bro ther and
,
fi n ch e s
ol d
g
to
ou r
.
H onor and influence
to
e
very publi c spirited brother
-
.
w
May every worthy brother h o is willing t o work
a nd labor through the da y b e happy at night with
his friend his love and a cheerful glass
,
,
.
,
May all freemasons be enabled to act in strict
formity t o the rule s Of thei r order
.
co n
16 2
T HE
T
OA ST M A ST ER
-
’
S
C O MPAN I ON
M ay
.
the hearts o f freemaso ns a g ree al thou gh thei r
heads Should differ
,
.
’
i n the h a pp i n cs s
May every maso n particip a te
bro ther
of a
.
May every bro ther h a v e
give
a
h eart to
feel
,
a nd a
h a nd
to
.
May disco rd party ra g e and insolenc e
ro oted o u t from among maso ns
be fo r
,
,
e
ve r
o ad
of
.
May covetous cares
May all freemasons
vi rtue
be
g
known
t o fr
h and i n
hand
un
o
-
eem as o ns
-
in
the
.
r
.
e b e more rea dy
May w
to publish the er r ors
correct o u r
o f a bro th er
to
May unity
mind
a nd
t he
lov e
be
wfa l ts th
n
u
an
.
May all freemasons live
May love animat e
o
in
love
hea rt
e
of
and
,
die
in
pe a c e
every mason
v e r s ta mped upo n
.
.
t he
mas o
’
n s
.
May the frown s
M ay
of r
e s entment
be
u nk nown a mong
very free ma son be distin g u ished
o rnament o f an upright heart
e
.
by the
u s
.
i nte r n a l
MAS O N IO T O A ST S
.
May the br ethren in this place be united
ano ther by the bond Of l ov e
to
i ne
c
a nd
.
May the gentle Sp i rit
every mason
of
l ov e
a
nimate the heart
of
.
May every freem a son h av e s o mu ch g enuine ph i l o s o
phy that he may neither be to o m u ch exalte d with
the smiles o f pro sperity no r t o o much dejected
with th e frowns o f adve rsity
,
,
.
May the conduct o f maso n s be s uch
world they dwell i n ligh t
as
to
convinc e
th e
.
h o i s r e gul arly
May every brother w
structed in the morals o f masonry
e
ntered
be i n
.
May
no
May
u
freemason ta s te the bitter appl e s
of
a ffliction
.
nity friendship and brotherly love ever dis
t i ng u i s h the br e thre n Of the ancient craft
,
,
.
e never co ndemn th a t i n
May w
w ou ld pardon i n o u r selve s
bro ther which
a
w
e
.
May freemasons ever t ast e
dome s tic co ntentment
a nd
relish
the
s
wee ts
of
.
M ay
conversation be s uch that by
fi nd i n str uction wome n mo desty the
a n d a l l m e n civility
ou r
,
,
,
.
yo uth may
a g e d r e s pe c t
it
,
164
T OA S T M A S T ER
T HE
-
’
S
C O M PAN I ON
.
May every freemas on hav e peace health and plenty
,
,
.
May the foundation o f every regular lodge be solid
its buil dings Sure and its members numerous an d
happy
,
,
.
May every freemason find constancy
c e r i ty in friendship
in
love
,
and s i n
.
May hypo crisy faction and strife
from every lod g e
,
,
,
be fo r
e
ver
r
o oted
.
’
May every mason s conduct
proving monitor
be
such
as
have an
to
ap
.
May honor and honesty distinguish the brethren
May
evening
ou r
fi e ct i o n
’
s
’
di version bear the mornin g s
r e
.
’
M a y the mason s conduct be
n ot
.
uniform that he m a y
be ashamed to take a r e tr O Sp e c ti ve view Of it
so
,
.
May virtue ever direct o u r actions with respect to
ourselves j u stice t o those with whom e deal
mercy love and charity t o all mankind
w
,
,
,
.
,
May n o freemaso n desire plenty but with the
o lent vie t o relieve the indigent
w
,
be ne v
.
May the cares which haunt the heart
be unknown to the fre emason
.
'
of
t he
coveto u s
T O A Sf
’-
T HE
‘
’
MA ST ER S e oMP A
N IO N
i
‘
T o i nas én s ; and t o Mas s ns
”
wi th wi t
A n d a ll t he fa i r
W ho ble s s
t he m as t e
yp
T ha t s ti ll p
To
e ve r
u re
o f th e
al l
To
tr u
e
T o m a s s nr y, fr i chds hi p ,
‘
T he ma s o n
w
h know
o
C om e
M ay
'
‘
m as o n s
th e
maso n ic
m a s o ns ,
s
b ai r ns
l he
s e cr e
ar
a ndu
a nd
,
a n d ch ar m s
a n d fa i thfu
r e s e r ve s
T he k ey s to n e
r
’
ch
’
a r ms .
t
ar
t
ar
t
.
.
p r i g ht
,
l ove :
tr u e va l u e
t he
.
Of hi s
a n dl e t i t
u
m
r
b
p
e
r
n
o
d
o
u
p
g
mi r th a n d go o d fe ll ow
s hi p a l w
a ys a b ou nd
;
,
fi ll
u
”
at
,
,
-
A n d m a y th e
wl d e
Th a t fr e e m as onr
Do th te
ach
or
s
e
y
ho ne s t he ar ts t o be
j
ovi a
l andfr e e
E TIQ UE TTE OF THE DINNE R TABLE
-
.
INVI TAT I ONS
DINNE R
TO
.
IN V IT A TI ON S t o dine from a ma r ried par ty a r e s en t
i n the name o f the la dy in some such fo rm a s the follow
’
in
Mrs
A
B
mith
compliments
t
o Mr a n d Mrs
S
s
g
—
Brown will be happy o f their company at dinner at
’
”
The answer
6 O clo ck Wednesday evening May 9th
t o invitations t o dine accepting o r declining should
be sent immediately and are always addressed t o the
la dy If after yo u have accepted an invitation any
thing o ccurs to render i t impossible fo r you to g o the
lady should be info rmed o f it imme diately It is a
great breach o f eti q uette n o t t o answer an invita tion
as so on after i t is received as po ssible and it is an i n
s ult t o disappoint when
e have promised
,
,
,
“
.
.
.
.
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
w
,
.
Invitation s t o dine fro m bachelors t o a p arty o f
bachel o r s may b e less fo rmal O n e o f the wealthies t
b a chelors of L ondo n and a famous eater always carries
his p o ckets fu ll o f cards Of which the following is a n
e x a ct copy —
Turbo t and L obster sir at six ; sh a ll
be happy Of your company
Thes e he is i n the habi t
o f ha nd
i ng a bo u t v e r y l i be r a lly
.
,
,
,
,
“
,
.
.
,
'
16 8
E
L etters
TIQU E TT E O F T HE
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
cards Of invitation should always n am e
the hour o f dinner ; a n d well bred people will arrive
as nearly at the Specified time as they can B e sure
and n o t be a minute behi nd the time and yo u should
no t g et there lon g before unless the invitation requests
u
o
t
p
articularly
o come early fo r a little chat befor e
y
dinner
or
-
.
,
,
.
A lway s
a
dinner
neatly
dressed
as
possible
s
g
T he expensiveness o f your apparel is n o t o f much i m
p ortance but its freshness and cleanliness a r e i n di s p e n s
able The hands and fi n g e r nails requ i re esp ecial atten
tion It i s a great ins u lt t o every l a dy at the tabl e
fo r a man t o s i t d o n to dinner wi th hi s hands in a
bad conditi o n
o
to
a
.
,
-
.
w
.
.
L
M AN NE R S A T T AB E
.
N othin g more plai nl y s hows the well bred man than
his man n ers at table A man may be well dressed
-
,
.
—
—
may converse well and these are all in his favor bu t
if he is aft e r all unrefined his manners at table wil l
”
be sure t o expose him If he is a n fa i t at dinner
he has passed on e o f the severest tests o f go o d breeding
A ny unpleasant peculiarity abruptness o r co arse
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
ess Of manner s i s e specially o fi e n s i ve at tab l e
P eopl e are more easily disgusted a t that time than a t
All s u ch a cts a s leanin g Over o n o n e sid e
a n y o ther
'
n
.
,
‘
.
E TIQU ETT E
17 0
OP TE E
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
The reason for i t probably is that in convey
ing fo o d to the m ou th o n a knife it is in some danger
o f fall i ng o ff a n d dropping ba ck into the plate or o n
t h e table
T he knife is used for cu tti ng a n d the fo r k
o r sp oon for fe eding
D r Johnson and D ean S wift
use d to p ay little attention to this form o f etiquette
but as yo u are neither D r Johnso n nor D ean S wift i t
i s doubtful if you can a fford to disre g ard it
qu e
tte
.
,
,
,
.
,
.
.
.
,
.
Making a noise in chewing your fo o d o r breathing
hard in eating are unseemly habits which will b e
sure t o get you a bad name at table among people of
go o d breeding L et it be a sacred rule that yo u ca n
n ot u s e y ou r knife o r fo r k o r te e th too q u i e tl y
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
Avoid picking your teeth if possible at table fo r
,
,
,
however agreeable such a practice might b e to yo ur
self i t m a y be o ffensive to o thers T he habit which
some have Of holding o n e hand over the mouth do es
n o t avoid the vulgarity o f teeth picki n g at table
.
,
,
-
.
N either ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at
table un less their hands from some cause are
t o be seen
,
,
,
not
fit
.
rapid eating ; the o n e wil l
did no t like your di nner and
a ppear as though y o u
the other as though yo u were afraid yo u would no t g e t
e nough
A void to o slow
or
to o
,
.
It
is
not
go o d
ta s t e t o
pr a i s e e x tr a v a g a n tly e v e r y
ON
GI V I N G
D
I NNERS
dish
17 1
.
that is s e t before you ; but if there are some
t hings that are reall y very nice it is well to speak in
their praise But above all things avoid seeming i n
di fferent to the dinner th a t is provided for you as that
might be construed into a dissati s factio n with it
When the Duke o f W ellington was at P aris as com
mander o f the allied armies he was invited to di ne
with C ambaceres o n e o f the most distinguished states
men a n d g o u r ma nds O f the time o f N apoleon In the
course o f the dinner his ho st having helpe d him to
some r e che r che dish expresse d a hO p e that he foun d it
agreeable
Very go o d said the D uke bu t I really
’
”
”
do n t care what I eat
G o o d G o dl exclaimed
C ambaceres as he started b ack and dropped his fork
’
don t care what you eat 1 What di d you come here
”
fo r then ? A t the time the D uke ma de this Sho cking
blunder he was probably to o much a bsorbe d about
Waterlo o to know what he w
a s saying at table
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
”
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
If you ask th e waiter for anything you will be ca r c
fu l to Speak t o him gently in the tone of r e q u e s t a n d
no t o f comm a nd To speak t o a waiter in a driving
manner will create among well bred p eople the Su s
i
i
c
o
n
that
you
were
sometime
a
ser
ant
yourself
and
v
p
are putting o n a i r s at the thought o f your promotion
L ord C hesterfield says : If I tel l a fo o t m a n to bring
m e a glass o f wine i n a rough insulting manner I
s houl d expect that in obeying me he woul d contrive
t o S pill some o f it up o n me a n d I am sure I should de
”
s er ve it
,
,
.
-
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
E
TIQ U E TT E
ON
O F THE
D
I NNER TA B LE
-
.
G I VING D INN E R S .
It is a mistake n idea whi ch man y peopl e entertain
to suppose that a man can get either r ep u ta ti on o r r e a l
fr i e nds by giving a great many expensive dinners I n
the first place if a man dines people beyond his m eans
he gets a very bad reputation and even the friends
who e at them go away despising the man for his folly
in inviting other people to eat up his substance A
man w
ho n o t long since absconded from N ew York a
a s so famous
defaulter t o the Federal Government w
for his splendid dinners that even the frien ds who ate
the m were prophesying for three years that he must
in the end co me o u t a defaulter While laughin g
over his sparkling wine it a s still impo ssibl e to keep
the feeling o f contempt from choking them in thei r
thro ats
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
w
.
.
The most expensive and splendid dinners are no t by
any means necessarily the most enj oyable and the
mo st desirable
The Splen did R oman banquets so
famous in history were much more remarkable fo r
profusion and costliness than for taste
The o nly
merit o f a dish composed o f the brains o f five hun dred
peaco cks o r the tongues of five hundred nightingales
al
must have been its dearness ; an d if a mode o f s w
lo wing the most money in a given ti m e be the de s i de r
’
atum commend us t o C leopatra s decoctio n o f dia
monds though even this w
a s fairly excee de d in origi
n a l i ty and neatness o f conception by t h e
E nglish
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
E TIQ U E TT E O F T HE
17 4
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
If you woul d really please your guests at dinner
your care shoul d be directe d no t t o th e expen s e and
S plen dor o f your china but to the q u a li ty o f your vict
u a l s ; n o t so
much t o the number a n d varie ty of
dishes as to their goo dness
A S ingle joint well
cooke d with the proper vegetables will give better
satisfaction than a do zen kinds of meats a n d game
ba dly co oke d O f all the an noyances at dinner the
S ight O f a rare dish spo iled in the co oking a n d dre s s
ing is the worst Therefore unless you are sure of
your co ok it is the s afes t way to confine your feast to
those plain staple dishes in the preparatio n Of which
i t is no t easy to get astray
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
It is al w
ays best fo r the lady Of the house where a
dinner party is to come O fi to be dressed and rea dy
to appear in the drawing room as early as possible
so that if any of the guests shoul d happen to come a
little early she may b e prepare d t o receive them It
i s awkwar d for bo th partie s where visitors arrive be
fore th e la dy O f the house is rea dy for them If it is
neces s ary fo r her to keep an eye upon the dinner it is
still best that she shoul d familiarly receive her gue s t s
and beg to b e excuse d if it is necessary for her to
vanish o ccasionally to the kitchen A real la dy is no t
a s hame d to have it known that she go es into the kitch
en ; o n the contrary it is more likely that she will
be a little prou d o f being thought capable O f s u p e r i n
ten ding the preparing feast
,
"
-
,
’
-
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
.
It is
not
in go o d taste
fo r th e
lady
of
the house
,
ON GI V I N G
he re
w
D
I NNER S
17 5
.
a dinner is given to dress very much She
leaves it fo r her lady guests to make what display th e y
please a n d She O ffers no rivalry to their fine things
S he contents herself with a tasty ne g l i g é which ofte n
proves the most fascinating equipment after all espe
c i a l l y if the cheeks become a little flushed with natu
ral blo om in consequence O f the exercise and anxiety
incident to the receptio n o f the guests
.
,
-
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
When dinner is on the table the lady and gentl e
man O f the house will have an opportuni ty o f s howing
their tact by seeing that the most distinguished guests
or the ol de s t are shown into the dining ro om first and
h o are
by making those companions at the table w
most likely to be agreeable to each o ther The lady
o f the house may lead the way o r follow her guests
into the dining ro om as she pleases A mong tho se
h o delight to follow the etiquette o f the E nglish n o
w
bi l i ty the latter practice is followed
But the pr a c
tice must not be considered a test o f go o d bree ding in
A merica If the lady leads the husband will follo w
behin d the guests with the lady o n his arm who is to
sit at his side The Old custom is still follo wed to
some extent i n this country o f the lady taking the hea d
Of the table with the two most favored g u ests seate d
the o n e at her right a n d the o ther at her left han d ;
hile the gentleman of the house takes the foo t o f th e
w
o ladies m o s t
table supporte d o n each side by the t w
entitled t o consideration But this Old rule is by no
means sla vishly followed in polite so cie ty in thi s
countr y
,
,
-
,
,
.
,
-
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
.
E TIQU E TT E
17 6
T HE
OE
D
I NN E R TA B LE
-
.
The lady and g entleman o f the h o use are of cours e
helped last and they are very p articular to no tic e
every minute whether the waiters are attentive t o
every gu est But they do no t press people either to
eat more than th e y appear t o want n o r i ns i s t upon
their partaking Of any particul ar dish It is allow
able for you to recommend so far as t o say that it i s
”
considered excellent but remember that tastes di ffer
a n d dishes which suit y o u may b e unpleasant t o o th e r s
a n d that in consequ e n ce of y o ur u rgency some mo dest
people might feel th e mselves compelle d to partake o f
what is disagreeable t o them
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
“
,
,
'
,
,
.
N ever Speak harshly
imperatively t o your ser
vants in the presence o f your guests It w o uld be as
annoying t o your guests as it would be cr uel t o you r
servants If they make any mistak e o r break any
thing yo u will avoid keeping the attention o f the party
to it for a single minute R emember that you canno t
seem to be annoyed yourself without annoying your
frien ds at the same time S ome men h ave a brutal
way of scolding and dr IVI ng their servants in company
but it will be di ffi cult fo r such a brute to get a well bred
l ady o r gentlemen to his house t o dine a second time
h o is in the habit
A nd what shall be said of the man w
o f S peaking ill naturedly to his wife before her g u e s t s t
There is no language that can justly describe hi s bru
tality and we shall therefore n o t attempt it
or
.
.
,
,
.
,
.
-
.
-
‘
,
,
,
.
Avoid by all means everything unpleasant at table
If a ny o f your gues t s S O far for g et the rules o f go o d
,
,
.
E TIQU E TT E O F T HE
17 8
D
I NNER TA B LE
-
they leave the gentlemen all rise and the
the do or opens it for them
,
,
.
one
nearest
.
The polite and noble R oman L ucullus sai d that
there was as much care to be taken in the right man
a g e m e n t of a feast as in the marshalling o f an army
that the o n e might b e as pleasing t o friends as the
o ther terrible t o enemies
,
,
,
.
ON
A great deal
CAR VING
.
the comfort and satisfaction o f a
go o d dinner depen ds upon the ca r vi ng A wkward
carving is enough t o spoil the appetite of a refined
and sensitive person N o matter ho w well the meats
may be co oked if they are mutilate d torn and hacked
to pieces o r even c u t awkwardly o ne half o f their rel
i sh is destroye d by the carver Formerly in E nglan d
there were regular teachers o f the art of carving and
L a dy Mary W o r tl y Montag u e confesses that She once
to ok lessons of such a professor three times a week
B esides the annoyance and m o r t i fi ca t i o n of bad carv
ing it is a very extravagant p i ece of ignorance as it
causes a great waste o f meats In the seventeenth
century carving w
a s a science t hat c arrie d with i t as
much pe dantry as the bu s ine s s of school teaching do es
a t the presen t da y ; a n d for a per s o n to u s e w r ong
a s an unpardonabl e
terms i n relati o n t o carvin g
of
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
-
,
w
CAR V I N G
ON
r
4
.
9
ront to etiquette C arving all ki n ds o f small bir ds
i ng it ; a pheas
a s called to thy them ; a quail to w
ant t o a ll a y it ; a duck to e m br a ce it a hen to sp oi l
her ; a goo se t o ta r e her and a list o f similar tech
n i c a l i ti e s t o o long and t o o ridiculous t o repeat
f
af
w
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
D r Johnso n said that Y o u Should praise n o t ridi
cule your friend who carves with as much earnestness
o f purpose as though he we re legislating
“
,
,
.
,
.
The best way t o cut a H A M in o rder that the fat and
lean may b e served evenly is to begin in the middle
Though
o f the ham and cut o u t thin circular slices
go o d carvers often begin at the large end o f the ham
which is certainly the most s avi n g a y
,
,
.
,
w
.
.
In c a rving a ro ast S I RLO I N O F BEE F you may begin
at either end o r in the mid dle The outside shoul d
be sliced downward to the bo ne while the inside o r
ten d rloin p art sho u l d be sliced thin lengthwise a n d
a li t le o f the soft fat given with each piece You
may ask whether the outsi de o r inside is preferred ;
o therwise a small bit o f the inside Should be served
with each plate as this is generally regarded as the
mos : choice portion
,
.
,
,
e
,
,
t
.
,
.
But little skill is required in carving a
It s hould be cut in thin smo o th
BE E
s lices
R O UND
“
,
,
a nd
OF
even
.
A
F I LLE T
or
YEAL should be cut in the same way
as
18 0
E TIQU E TT E O F T HE
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
a round o f beef A sk whether the brow n o r o utsid e
is preferred
If it is stu ffed cut deep through the
fi ng and serve each plate with a thin slice with a
s tu f
li ttle o f the fat also
.
.
,
,
,
.
In carving a L E G O F M UTT ON slice i t l i g htl y for if
o
u
press to o heavily the knife will no t cut and you
y
will s q uee z e o u t all the gravy and serve your guests
with dry meat B e gin t o cut in the mi ddle as that is
the most juicy part C ut thin deep slices and help
each person to a little o f the fat and some o f the
bro wn o r outside
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
In carving a FORE Q U AR TER O F L A M E separate the
shoulder from the breast and ribs by passing the knife
under and thr ough i t ; then separate the gristly part
from the ri bs and help from th a t o r the ribs as may
b e chosen
,
,
,
,
,
.
A
O F M UTT ON is the leg and a part o f the
loin In carving help to about equal parts of the fat
C ut each part
o f th e loin and the lean o f the leg
direc tly down through in slices about a quarter o f a n
i nc h thick
H AU N C R
.
,
.
,
,
.
A
O F M U TT ON should be cut in thin slice s
from tail to end beginning close to the back bone ;
he lp s ome fat from the sides
S A D D LE
-
,
.
P IG Shoul d be cut in t w
o before it is sen t
the ta bl e Begi n t o c a rve by separati ng the s ho u l
A
to
R OA S T
.
E TIQU E TT E
82
T HE
or
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
N early all kinds of Small game birds are carved by
simply cutti ng them in two from the neck
unless they are given whole
,
to
the tail
,
.
N ever pour gravy over white meat as it would
,
s
troy its delicate appearance
de
~
.
There are many little ways o f seasoning meats an d
game which may b e done by the carver as for i n
stance before cutting up a duck slice the breast and
pour over the gashes a few spoonfuls of sauce made of
port wine lemon juice salt and C ayenne peppe r O r
after yo u have cut o ff the apro n and breast bone of a
go ose p our into th e bo dy a glass o f p ort wine a n d a
small teaspo onfu l of mustard
,
,
,
,
,
-
-
,
,
,
.
,
-
,
.
W INE
AT T
AB LE
.
A lmost every gentleman has wine at his table when
,
ever he has invite d gue s ts Indee d wine is considered
an in dispensable part of a go o d dinner to which a
gentleman has been formally invite d E ven i f you are
a to tal abstinence man yourself yo u will no t if yo u
are really a gen t leman attempt to compel a l l you r
guest s to be so against their wish If you are so fa
n a t i c a l that you have what is called
conscientious
scruples against furnishing wine then you shoul d i n
vite none to dine who are no t as fanatical and big
.
,
,
.
-
,
,
-
,
.
“
”
,
WI NE A T T A B LE
18 8
.
ted a s yourself You must consi der that a gentleman
”
may have co nscientious scruples against dining with
you on cold water for there a re even temperate and
sober gentlemen who would go without meat as so o n
as be deprived of their glass o f wine at dinner The
vegetarian who woul d fo r ce his gue s ts to dine on cab
bages and onions is hardly guilty of a greater breach
o f etiquette than th e total abstinence fanatic who would
compel hi s guests to g o without wine
e
.
,
.
,
,
-
.
If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to
b e a to tal abstinence man you will no t urge hi m to
drink H e will su ffer his glass to be filled at th e first
passage of the wine and raising it to his lips will bo w
his respects with the rest of the g u est s a n d after that
his glass will be allowed to remain untouched A s
little notice as possible Shoul d be taken o f hi s total
abstinence peculiarity A nd if he is a gentleman h e
will carefully avoid drawing attention to it himself
-
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
.
It is no t now the custom to ask a lady acro ss the
table to tak e wine wi t h you It is expecte d that every
la dy will be properly helped to wine by the g entleman
who takes her to the table or who Sits next to her
But if you are in company where the old custom pre
vails i t would be bet t er breeding to follo w the custo m
o f the p l a c e rather than by an omission of what your
entertainer con s i ders civility to prove him in face o f
his gue s ts to be either ig n orant or vulg a r If eithe r
a la dy or gentleman is invited to take w
ine at tabl e
they must ne ve r r efu s e if they do no t dr i nk they ne e d
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
E TIQU E TT E O F T HE
18 4
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
only touch the wine to their lips D O not O ffer t o
help a la dy to wine until you see she has finished he r
soup o r fish
.
.
It is considered well br e d to tak e the same wine as
that selected by the p erso n with whom you drink
When however the wine cho sen by him i s unpalatable
to you i t is allo w
able to take that which yo u prefer
at the same time a p o l o g i z i n g l y saying will yo u p er
”
mi t me to drink cl a r e t ? o r whatever wine you have
s elected
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
In inviting a gentleman t o take w
m e with you at
ta ble you should politely say S hall I have the plea s
ure Of a glass o f wine with you
Y o u will then
either hand him the bo ttle yo u have selected o r sen d
it by the waiter and afterwards fill your o n glass
when you will politely and silently bo to each o ther
a s y o u raise the wine t o yo ur lips
“
,
,
w
,
w
,
,
,
.
raising the firs t glas s o f wine t o his lips it is
customary for a gentleman to bo t o the lady o f the
ho u s e
On
w
,
.
It is no t cus tomary t o p ropose toa s ts o r t o drink
’
deep at a gentleman s family table
L ord Byron de
”
scribes a largish party as first silent then talky
then argumentative then disputatious then u n i n t e l l i
”
i
h
l
b
e
then
a
l
e
e
r
then
drunk
But
this
was
t
t
o
g
g
y
a largish party which i t is to be hope d was given
for the man ho drink s t o intoxication
a t a taver n
.
“
,
,
,
.
,
,
”
,
,
,
,
w
,
,
E TIQU E TT E O F T HE
18 6
D
I NNE R TA B L E
-
.
and general hilarity are demanded deep drink
’
ing i s expecte d Wine is a great Sharpener of men s
’
wits It was said o f A ddison s excellent nature that
it ran over when heate dwith wine and he shone with
the wit of Terence when in company with S cipio and
’
L aelius exemplifying the po et s S i mi l e o f the flying
fi s h which so ars highest when its wings are wet
m irth
,
.
.
.
“
,
‘
.
,
It is however the first care o f a well bred man
never to drink beyond his self control at table where
t he comfort of the whole party is so much dependent
upon the propriety of every o n e present But whenever
a gentleman has the misfortune to forget himself as
so me times will happen every o ther gentleman will do
all in his p ower to make the best o f the acci dent
C harles II dined with the citizens o f L ondon the
year that S i r R obert Viner was mayo r who getting
elated with continual l y to asting the royal family grew
a little fond o f his maj esty
The king unders t o o d
very well how to extricate himself in all kinds o f di ffi
cul ty and with a hint t o the company to avoid cere
mony stol e O ff and made towar ds his co ach which
sto o d rea dy for him in Guil dhall yard
But th e
mayor like d his company so well and a s grown so
intimate that he pursued him hastily and catching
him fast by the han d crie d o u t with a vehement o ath
’
‘
a n d accent
S i r you shall stay a n d take t o ther bo t
tle
The polite monarch lo oked kin dly at him over
his shoul der a n d with a smile and graceful air r e
s eated this line o f the o l d song
-
,
,
-
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
“
.
,
,
,
w
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
‘
He
,
that
i s dr u
,
n
k
is
as
gr e a t
as
a
ki n g ;
’
WI NE
TA B LE
AT
18 7
.
and immediately returned back and complied wi th his
”
landlord
.
D O no t praise bad wine fo r it Will persuade those
W ho are judges that yo u are an ignoramus o r a fla t
te r e r
O n the o ther hand avoid seem i ng to n o t ice
that it is bad unless the ho st calls attention to i t him
self There is a n anecdote o f a man who being i n
vi t e dby S i r Thomas Grouts who was proud of his wine
to take a second glass of his Old E ast India replie d
—
was
a
dose
had rather no t double the cap e
n
e
O
and at the first glass o f champagne he inquired
whether there had been a plentiful crop o f go ose berries
*
last year
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
”
“
,
,
,
.
A s wine i s a very com m on subj ect
discussion at
table it is quite necessary that every gentleman should
be able to converse understandingly upo n the charac
ter a n d q u ality o f the various wines in use It is very
embarrassing to be calle d upon fo r an Opinion and
no t be able to give o n e and i t is still worse t o betray
’
one s ignorance o n the subject of conversation B e
si des ignorance O f the history and quality o f wines
may impress gentlemen with the idea that y ou h a ve
no t been much in go o d company
of
,
.
.
,
.
T he r e i s
i n E ng
l
a n d.
a
g r e a t de
a
l
o f ch a m
p a gn e
m a de
of
g oo s e b e r r i e s
E TIQU E TTE O F T HE
188
T HE
AG E
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
O F NVI N E S
.
.
It is a great error a n d o n e which prev a ils exten
s i ve l y to suppose that great age is n ecessary to the
goo dn ess o f wine The quality o f the vintage has far
m ore to do W i th the excellence of the
ine than the
number o f years i t has been kept P ort wine o f a
go o d vintage is b est when n o t mo re than ten years
H o ok s and clarets indeed will n o t keep till Old
Old
C hampagne is best at from three t o five years o l d
”
S O that the phrase
o l d wine
ha s n o such wonderful
charm for the well informed
,
,
w
.
.
,
,
.
,
,
.
.
-
.
KN O W
H OW T O
A ll wines made
G O O D WINE
.
of
the j u ice o f the grape possess
powerful odor which is quite
a peculiar bou q u e t o r
i n e dr i nk e r
unmistak able to an experienced w
This
characteristic bou q u e t depen ds upo n the presence of
ce n a nthi c ether which is pro duced by the fermentation
o f the juice o f the grape and is therefore relie d upon
as o n e of the general pro ofs that the wine is made of
rapes
By
comparing
the
b
o u q u e t o f a bo ttle o f real
g
grape wine with o n e ma de o f ci der go oseberries o r
any o ther juice yo u will so o n educate yo u r nose t o be
a tolerable detecto r o f bad wine
ou
t
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
Immature red wines are remarkably bright and red
i n consequence o f the presence of phosphoric and o the r
,
190
E TIQU E TT E O F
THE
D
I NNER T A B L E
-
.
port wine lo ses its strin g ency and acquires a
slightly aci d taste it is unwholesome and is unfit fo r
ho i s a mbi t i o ns t o g et t he
use except by a person w
gou t
r e al
,
,
,
C E MddPAL HI E
.
faculty o f P aris in 177 8 pronounced champagn e
to be the finest and healthiest o f all wines ; and ex
cept in cases o f weak digestion i s if pure o n e of the
safest wines that can be dr a nk It is the king o f
wines at the convivial boar d in the Unite d S t ates — s o
much so that when a bo ttle o f wine is propose d
i t is understo o d to b e champagne unless some o ther
name is expressly given
Its intoxicating e ffects are
rapid but excee dingly transient a n d depend partly
upo n the carbonic aci d which is evolved from it and
partly upon the alcohol which is suspen de d in this
gas being applied rapi dly and extensively to a large
The i dea that champagne
S urface o f th e stomach
pro duces gout is su ffi ciently refute d by the fact that
the disease is very little known in the province where
the wine is made Bu t it is undoubtedly t o be avo ided
in cases where the disorder alrea dy exists especially
if it has been pro duced by the to o free use o f strong
liquo rs
T he
,
,
,
,
.
”
“
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
”
.
.
,
,
,
.
al
It is a mistaken idea that champa g ne must be s w
l ow e d as s o o n as p o ssible a fter it i s u nco r ked
If i t
.
CHA M PA G NE
191
.
really champagne it improves by letting it stand a
little as after the gas has partly escaped it will o n
t i r e l y retain the body and flavor of the wine w h ich i s
to some extent concealed by its e ffervescence L o vers
o f champagne do n o t drink it until its active e ffe r ve s
cence is a little over A go o d way to test the qua l ity
o f champagne is t o let it s ta n d t i l l the gas has con
s i de r a bl y escaped and see if i t then p ossesses th e rich
body a n d aroma o f W ine That fat a l poiso n wh ich i s
manufactured in such immense quantities in this coun
try o u t o f ci der and cheap R hine wine and almo st i n
variably s e r ve d u p as champagne at poli t ical dinners
will no t stand the above test A nd it i s no w o nder
that those w
ho have drank only this abominable drug
should hold champagne t o be an unhealthy wine T he
E nglish make a tolerable counterfeit champ agne of th e
jui ce of rhubarb leaf sto cks and green go oseberries
is
,
,
,
.
,
.
’
,
.
,
'
,
.
,
.
-
w
W e often hear tho se h o are mo st Oppressiv e ly
n conceits attempt to display thei r
wise in their o w
wi s dom by referring to the small geographical bounda
ries of the champagne country a n d shrewdly deducing
therefrom that not enough o f champagne can be made
to allow a single bottle t o b e imported t o this coun
try But fo r all that the species of wine known as
champagne is manu facture d all over the south o f
E urope of as excellent a quality as that pro duced in
the district o f champagne a n d a vast deal o f t his
genuine wine is imported to this country
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
O ne
of
the
most disti ng uished p o l i tical editor s i n
E TIQU E TT E
132
O F T HE
D
I NNER T A B L E
-
.
w
United S tates ho has conscientious scruples
against the use o f wine is in the habit o f making hi m
self agreeable a t table by picking up the ch ampagne
corks a n d pointing o u t to all the guests that the name
o f the bran d upo n the end of the cork is printe d in
A merican type A t great political dinners where a
contract is mad e with landlords a n d public caterers to
furnish the wine it is very likely that the impress o f
American type may be found o n the ends o f the corks
but that does n o t by any means prove that there i s
n o t plenty o f real champagne imported into this coun
try Just as go o d champagne can be fo u n d here as at
But your only protection is the character o f
R heims
the house o f which you buy Just as go o d wine can
be provided in the remo test inland towns o f A meric a
as can be had in P aris o r Bordeaux W e have tasted
as great a variety o f the finest W ines at the house o f
Thomas A ndrews E s q in the city o f C hicago as can
be fou n d in a n y city o n the continent o f E urope
A nd there is o n e importing house in N ew York Brit
ton
C O N o 1 1 Bro ad street which imports on an
average ten thousan d baskets a year o f the M e e t a n d
C han do n champagnes which are p erhaps the finest
and thu s
o f all t he various brands o f champagnes ;
here in N e wYork we have the be s t g e nu i ne cha m
a g ne s that are made in E u r O e
these
brands
the
f
O
p
p
Grand Imperial o r green seal is perhaps the finest
though many choose the Bouzy C abinet The Fleur
de Bou zy imported by the above name d house sells
fo r the same price as the H e i ds i ck and is a better
A n d if a s i n
W i n e th an even this favorite O l d bran d
t he
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
‘
.
.
.
.
.
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
-
,
,
,
.
194
m r ou
T HE
nr r n o n
D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
po w
erful bouquet resembling a m i xture of violets and
”
ra s pberries
L a To u r and L afitte have bo th a bou
d
uet
and
taste
iolet
C
larets
are
chiefly
shippe
v
o
s
f
q
from Bordeaux and the most o f those above na m e d
are from the neighboring districts o f M édo c The
unm ixed Bordeaux claret is the safest and bes t for
ordinary use : it is light agreeable gently e xh i l a r a
ti ng and a n excelle n t q uencher o f thirst
,
.
.
-
,
.
,
~
,
,
.
AN WINE S
G E EM
.
H o ck wines are great favorites in ho t weather
.
The
most popul ar o f the R hine wines are the J oha nn i s be r g
a n d the S teinberg which are alike a dmired for their
delicious flavo r and ex q uisite bouquet
,
.
the best second class Rhine wine are the
H o ck
R udesheim M a r k o br u nn e r and R o thenberg
heim which grows o n the banks o f the Main ranks
equally with these The frightful names of these Ger
man i nes generally follow the cognomen o f the place
where they are pro duced
A mong
.
,
,
,
,
o
w
.
.
The favorite wines o f the Germans themselves are
generally the delicately flavor e d Mo selles G r u n ha u s e r
and S cha r r be r g e r are called the N e e t a r o f the M o
s elle
A very fine German wine called S traw wine
f g rap es s o ripe that t hey require n o pre s s
i s made o
“
”
.
-
,
,
S
HERR I E S
1 35
.
ing but the juice distills through clean W heaten straw
and imbibes its color It is a very expensive i n e
a n d is n o t much kn o w n i n this c o u n try
w
,
.
,
,
.
S HE RR IE S
.
Brande says Sherry o f due age and in g o o d co n
dition is a fine perfect and wholesome wine ; free
from excess o f acid and possessing a dry aromatic
flavor and fragrancy ; but as pro duced in o rdinary
market it is o f fluctuating and anomalous q u ality
ofte n destitute o f all aroma and tasti n g o f little else
”
than alcohol and water
A lmost all the sherry wine
in common use in this country i s o f th e latter de s cr i p
tion ; and tho se served at the ho tels in E n g l a nd are
if possible still worse n o twithstandin g sherry is the
favorite dinner wine o f that country
“
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
The best sherries are the p ale and light golden wines
made of the Xeres grape though it i s n o t safe to ju dge
to
o f sherry by its color fo r art has instructed h o
give the mo st inferior wine the delicate hue o f the gen
u i n e article
The finest sherry is the A montilla do ;
but it is very rare and let n o man flatter himself that
he often feasts his eyes o r his palate upon it i n thi s
country In E ngland sherry is the di nne r wine bu t
the Americans follow more in the French custom and
e li q u e u r
u s e it a s a vi n d
,
w
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
’
E TIQ U E TT E
I JG
on T H E D
I NNER T A B LE
-
.
MADE I RA
e could o nly eve r
Madei ra is a delightful wine if w
get a n y o f it But let n o happy enthusiast deceive
himself with the delusive bliss that he is drinking pure
Ma deira S o destructive has been the disease o f the
vine in Ma deira for many years that such an event as
any o f its charming wine reaching this country is n o t
t o be hoped fo r
,
.
.
,
.
We are told that when the celebrated Malmsey is
stored in the cellars the following benediction is pro
h o lovest man
L ord Go d thou w
n o u n c e d over it :
kin d direct thine eyes t o this W ine and those who
shall drink i t : bless o u r vessels thrice blesse d as the
walls o f Jacob and the p o ol o f S ilo am and as thou
hast blessed this drink o f the apostles O L ord ! thou
who wast present at the we dding at C ana a n d by
changin g the water into wine revealed thy glory to
thy disciples send thy Holy S pirit o n this wine and
’
bless it in thy name
This bene diction certainly shows
us the great value which is placed upon goo d wine in
that co u ntry
,
,
“
‘
‘
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
.
.
An
cu
ltur e
utho r o f a n interestin g work o n the
o f wine s ays o f o u r A meri can win e s
In ce m
E nglish
a
“
,
198
E TIQ U E TT E
T HE
or
T HE
D
O F D R IN
ART
I NNER T A B LE
-
KING
.
W INE
.
The ol d R omans h ad a practice of eating cheese to
bri n g o u t the flavor o f the wine a custom which pre
vails in E nglan d at the present t i me and is no t u n
known in the United S tates
,
,
.
Wine drinkers vary their choice of wines to suit the
seasons ; selecting light wines for summer and tho s e
having more bo dy and strength fo r winter Thus in
summer ho ck claret Burgun dy R hi n e i s h and hermi
t a ge are generally i n vogue ; and in cold weather
p ort sherry and Ma deira have their day
-
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
S ome
are s o fanciful in their use of wines that th e y
will drink only white wine with white meats and r e d
wine wi th brown meats light wine with light dishes
and stronger wines with more substantial food
,
,
,
.
A t table in France red wines almost always pre
cede the white In E ngland and A merica also red
,
,
.
,
,
wines usually open the repast after which the spark
ling a n d exhilarating champagne keeps up the go o d
temper of the merry guests In A merica especially
champagne is no w al w
ays taken with the meats and
then a glass o f sherry usually closes the feast so far as
the wine is concerned unless a glass o f brandy and
ater follows it
.
,
.
,
w
If
,
.
u
o
y
invite a friend
or
t
wto a q uiet
o
dinner at
T HE
ART
or
I
DR N K
I N G WI NE
w
19
9
.
our
hotel
r at your o
house
a
genteel
and
u f
fi
o
n
s
y
cie n t course o f wine is t o e pen the dinner after the
—
so u p o r fi s h a bo ttle o f claret o r any light wine
—
to be followed by champagne and then clo s e the di n
ner with a cup o f s t rong co ffee without the i n tr o du c
tio n o f any o ther kind o f wine The pro du cing o f a
great variety o f wines at a quiet visitin g dinner party
lo oks like an o stentatious display an d is no t usually
practised by gentlemen i n this country
It is but a
vulgar notio n which associates expense with gentility
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
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,
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.
”
.
W ine co olers are in dispensable in ho t weather as
the practice o f putting ice into the glass with the win e
is sure to destroy the fine aroma a n d delicious taste o f
all the choicest wines C laret whi ch is kept in a e e l
lar needs no co oling ; and in winter wine drinkers
usu ally place it near the fire before unco rking as
without a mo derate degree o f warmth it lacks the soft
a n d delicious flavor which makes the chief merit o f this
wine
C hampagne in summer needs co oling until
i t is brought t o the temperatur e o f the coldest Spring
water
-
,
.
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,
,
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,
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,
,
A ME RICA N CO DE OFPO LIT E N E SS
.
P O LITE NE SS
DE FINI T I O N O F
‘
AN D E T IQ U E I T E
'
.
has b e e n defi n ed as an a rtificial goo d
but it would be better said that g oodna tu r e
n atu re
It inspires us with an u n r e mi t
na tu r a l p ol i te ne s s
ting attention b o th to pl ease o thers and to avoid
givi ng them o fle n c e Its c o de is a ce r emonial agreed
to give each
u p on and e s t a bl i s h e d a m o n g mankind
o th er external testimonies of frien dship o r respect
P ol i te ne s s and e ti q u e tte fo rm a s ort o f s upplement t o
t he law which en a bles so ciety to pro tect itsel f against
Fo r instance
of
fences hich the l a wcanno t touch
t h e l aw canno t punish a man fo r habitually staring a t
people in a n insolent and annoying mann e r but e ti
f
ender
from
the
circles
u ctte can banish such an o f
o
f
g
goo d society and fix upon him th e brand o f vulgarity
E ti q u e tte c o nsists in certain forms ceremonies and
r ules which the p r i nci ple qf p o l i te n e s s es tablish e s a n d
enforces for the regulation of the manners of men and
omen in their intercour se with each o ther
P o L IT EN E s s
-
.
,
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,
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,
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,
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.
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,
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,
w
.
Trivial as these rules and ceremonies may appear t o
th e u nr e fle ct i ng n e a r l v all the happine s which man
,
(2 00)
s
2 02
C
A M ERI A N
TH E
e o ns
PO L IT ENE S S
or
.
will have a ten dency to remind any one who is in the
company o f past o r present troubles o r which can
cause uneasiness of any kind to any individual
,
.
A ny conversatio n (that is no t interdicted by
de
and p r O pr i e ty) which can be pleasing to the
whole comp any is desirable A mus ement more than
instruction even is to be sought fo r in social p ar
ties
P eople are no t supposed to come together
because t he y are ignorant and
o n such o ccasion
need teaching but to seek a musement and relax
ation from professional and daily cares A ll the E n g
lish bo oks o n etiquette tell you that P a nn i ng is
scrupulously t o be avoi ded as a Species of ale house
”
i t and a savage remark o f D r Johnson is usually
quoted o n the subj ect But punning is no more to be
avoided th a n any other kin d o f wit and if all wit is
to be banished fro m the social circle i t will b e left a
stupid a ffair indeed All kinds of wit puns by no
mean s excepte d give a delightful relish to so cial par
ties when they spring u p natura l ly a n d spontaneously
But fo r a man to
o u t of the themes of conversation
b e constantly straining himse l f to make j okes is to
make himself ridiculous and to annoy the whole com
pany and is therefore what no gentleman will be
guilty o f
c e n cy
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,
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’
Whatever passes in parties at your own o r ano ther s
ho use i s never repeate d by well bre d people Thi n gs
o f no moment and which a r e meant only as harmle s s
j o k es are liable to pr o duce u npleasant consequence s
-
.
,
,
E N E R A L R U LE S
G
2 03
.
if repeated
T o repeat therefo re any co n versatio n
which p asses o n s u ch o ccasions is understo o d to be a
breach o f confidence which should banish the o ffender
from the pale o f go o d so ciety
.
,
,
,
,
.
If it is ever your fortune to co nfer a favo r the n t
most delicacy is re q uired in b estowin g it to prevent
h o receives it
Y ou
i ts being an insult to the o n e w
may bestow your favors in such a manner as to have
it almo st appear that you are the o bl i g e d p arty Indee d
yo u m a y say this : Y o u will confer a very great fa
”
vo r; upon me by acceptin g
A benefit conferred
the
a s a c ha r i ty is an ins u l t
,
,
.
.
,
“
.
,
.
If you are fon d o f joking be very cautious ho w
you
l et your arrows fly b efore yo u are sure o f your c o m
pany Many p eople canno t take a joke no r give o n e
a n d o try your wits o n o n e so unarmed would be like
o ffering to wrestle with a cripple A nd besi des tho se
i n t e company w
ho are constitutionally unabl e to
comprehend a witticism would start at yo u with i n
u i s i t o r i a l wonder and if they do no t annoy
u
the
o
y
q
y
will show that you have puzzled and distur bed th e m
,
.
,
,
t
.
,
,
n
,
,
.
.
In a mixe d company never speak to your frien d of
a matter which the rest do no t understand unl ess it i s
s omething which yo u can explain to them and which
m a y be made interesting to the whole party
,
,
,
.
A gentleman will by all means avoid showing hi s
l e a rnin g and accomplishments in the presence o f i g n o
,
,
T HE A M ER I CAN
2 04
C O DE
POL IT ENES S
or
.
rant and vulgar people w
ho can by no p ossibili ty
understan d o r appreciate them It is a pretty s u re
s ign o f bad bree ding to set people to sta r ing and feel
in g uncomfortable
,
,
,
.
.
D ox no t
talk
loud in company It is pr e s u m p
tion fo r yo u t o take it for granted that everybody
present is anxious to listen to yo u and y o u may be
sides disturb the conversatio n already g oing o n be
tween o thers You will also if possible avo i d talk
ing t o any o ne across the room If you have som e
thing p articular to say t o an individual wait until
o
can
g
et
Opportunity
seat
yourself
by
his
a
n
t
o
u
y
side
to o
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
.
In E n gland it is regarded a breach o f eti q uette t o
r epeat the name o f any person with whom you are
conversi n g But the same rule do es n o t hold in Amer
ica H ere i t is deemed no breach if y o u are con
ver s in g with a lady by the name o f Johnson to say
”
Well M r s Johns on do yo u no t think etc
,
.
.
,
,
,
i t
,
.
,
,
.
In this country po or people often become suddenly
rich but if they possess any o f the instincts o f p olite
ness they will carefully avoid putting on airs o r tr y
ing t o sho w o ff in the presence of their former poo r
If they do so it only proves th a t t he
a cquaintances
acquisition o f weal th has no t cured them o f their vu l
g arity bu t o nly helped them to make a more c o n s p i cu
o u s and insulting exhibition o f it
I was once at a
b r i l li a nt p a r ty i n N e w
York where a ma n ho ha d
,
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T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E
2 06
POL IT ENE S S
or
.
you speak o f you silver o f your j ewelry of your
costly apparel it will be taken for a S ign that y o u are
either lying o r that you were no t long a g o some
bo dy s washerwoman a n d canno t forget to be remind
i n g everybo dy that you are n o t so now
,
,
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,
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'
,
.
There is a sort of acci dental and altogether e qu i vo
cal type of city women who never get into the coun
try but they employ their time in trying to astoni s h
the country people with narrations of the fine things
they left behin d them in the city If they have a dirty
little clo set with ten valueless bo oks in it they will
call it their l i br a r y If they have so m e small ro om
that is used as kitchen parlor a nd dining ro om they
i ng r oom
will magnify it into a dr a w
A nd a hun dred
o ther l i ttle S igns o f their g r e a t vulgarity they will co n
s ta n tl y insist on exhibiting to their country auditors
,
,
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,
,
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,
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.
.
D o no t di sp u te in a party of ladies and gentlemen
’
I f a gentleman advances an opinio n which i s di fle r e n t
from i deas yo u are known to entertain either appear
not to have hear d it or di ffer with him as gently a s
p ossible You will no t say S i r you are mistaken
S i r you are wrong I or that you happen to know
better
but you will rather u s e some such phrase as
—
P ardon mc i f I am no t mistaken etc This will
give him a chance to say some such civil thing as that
he regrets to disagree with you a n d if he has no t the
goo d manners to do it you have at any rate estab
l i s h e d your own manners as those of a gentleman in
An d wh en yo u have done
t h e eyes of the company
.
,
,
“
.
,
,
”
“
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,
”
,
,
,
.
.
,
G ENERAL RU LE S
F
2 01
.
that yo u need no t trouble yourself about any Opinions
he may advance co ntrary to your o n
w
,
.
If y o u find yourself in a company which violently
a buses an absent friend o f yours you need no t feel
that you are called upo n to take up th e club fo r him
Yo u will do better by say ing mil dly that they mu s t
have been misinforme d— that you are prou d to call
hi m your friend which you cou l d no t do if you di d not
kno w him to be incapable of such thing s as they had
heard A fter this if they are gentlemen they will
s top — indeed if t h e y had been gentlemen they woul d
har dly have assailed an absent one in a mixe d par ty
and if yo u feel constraine d to quit their company it
will be no sacrifice to your o w
self respect o r
n
honor
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
-
.
If you are in company with a distinguished gentl e
—
—
man as a governo r o r senator yo u will no t b e p er
e t u a l l y trying to tro t o u t his titles as i t would make
p
you appear like a lackey o r para s ite , who conscious o f
no merits of your own are trying to lift yourself bv
the company of others In intro ducing such a gen t le
m a n you will merely call him
governo r o r sena
tor a n d afterwar ds avoid all a l l u s i o h to his ra nk
,
,
,
,
.
”
,
,
”
,
.
There is a vulgar cu s tom to o prevalent of c a lling
almost everybo dy colonel in this country of which
i t is su ffi cient to say that this false use o f titles pr e
vails mos t among the lo wer ranks o f so ciety— a fact
which suffi ciently st a mps upon i t its real character
,
,
”
,
,
s
,
2 08
THE
A M ER I C AN C O D E
OF
POL IT ENE S S
.
and renders it to say the least a doubtful co m plimen t
to him who has no right t o the title
,
,
.
The simpler and the more easy and unconstrai n ed
your manners the more you will impress people of your
go o d breeding Afi ec ta t i on is o n e o f the bra z en mark s
o f vulgarity
,
,
.
.
In E nglan d it is a mark Of l owbreeding to smoke
in the public streets But in America the rule does
not hold to quite that extent though even here i t is
not Often that you catch a gentleman of the strict
est sect i n the street with a segar o r pipe in his
mouth
,
.
,
,
“
”
.
It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke I n
the presence of la dies even though they are amiable
enough to permit it A gentleman therefore is no t
in the habit of smoking in the parlor for if there is
n obo dy present to Obj ect it leaves a smell in the ro om
which the wife has go o d reason to b e mortifie d at i f
discovered by her guests For a man to go into the
street with a lady o n his arm a n d a segar in his mouth
is a sho cking sight whi ch no gentleman will ever be
guilty of exhibiting ; for he inevitably subj ects the
woman to the very worst Of suspicions
,
.
,
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,
,
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,
.
A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat
on
in the presence o f la dies for a single moment In dee d
so strong is the force of habit that a gentleman will
qui te unconsciously remove his hat on entering a par
.
,
,
2 10
T HE
A MER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S
.
you fir s t ho nor her with a bow of recognition Bu t
the A merican fashio n is not like either of them Fo r
here the really well bred man always politely a n d r e
s p e c t fu l l y bows to every lady he knows a n d if she is
a well bred woman she acknowledges the respect pai d
If Sh e expects no fu rther ac q uaintance her bow
h r
u l recognition o f
i s a mere formal bu t a l w
a ys r e s e ct
f
p
the go o d manners which have been Shown her and no
gen tleman ever takes a dvantage o f such p oliteness to
push a further acquaintance u ninvited
But why
ho each
s hould a lady and gentleman who kno w w
o ther are scornfu lly a n d doggedly pass each o ther in
t he streets as though they were enemies ? T here is no
goo d reaso n for such i mp ol i te ne s s in the practice o f
politeness A s compared with the E nglish the French
C ontinental fashio n is certainly more consonant
or
with the rules of go o d breeding But the American
rul e is better than either for it is based upo n the a c
knowledged general principle that it is every gentle
’
’
man s and lady s duty to be polite in all places U n
le s s p arties have done something to forfeit the respect
dictated by the common rules o f politeness there
s hould be no deviation from this practice It is a
r i diculous idea th a t w
e are t o practise ill manners i n
the name o f etiquette
.
.
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'
-
.
The cus t om o f r a i s i ng you r ha t o r o f bowing r e
s p e c tfu l l y to a lady o r gentleman in the stree ts wi th
yo ur hat o n is p ractised equally as o ccasio n and co n
ve n i e n c e dictate by well bred A m e r I c a n s
By a bow
i s no t meant o n e o f those in di fferent short nods o f the
,
,
,
,
-
.
,
,
G
ENERAL R U LE S
hea d g e nerally give n by clo wns
,
i n e , p ol i te , a nd g e ntle m a nl y
u
e
n
g
as
y
ou r
s e r va n t,
m a da m
2 11
.
a nd
l ackeys but a
bo wwhich says as much
,
,
”
.
need not stop to pull o ff your gl ove to Shak e
If it is warm
h ands with a lady o r gentleman
weather it is more agreeable to bo th parties that th e
glove should be o u — especially if i t is a la dy with
whom yo u shake hands as the perspiration o f your
bare hand woul d be very likely t o so il her glove
Y ou
.
,
.
The E nglish have a rule o f etiquette that if y o u
are intro duced to a perso n o f higher po sition in so cie
t y than yo u rself y o u must never recognize him whe n
you meet until yo u see whether h e intends to no tice
you The meaning o f this rule is that yo u should b e
polite to nobody until yo u see whether they mean t o
be p olite to you which is simply refusing politeness in
the name o f politeness itself There is a story o f an
unfortunate clerk o f the Treasury who dine d one da y
at the Beef steak club where he sat next to a Duke
who conversed freely with him at dinner Th e next
da y meeting the Duke in the street he saluted him
But his grace drawing himself up said May I kno w
sir to whom I have the honor o f Speaking ?
Why
—
d
we dine together at the club yesterday I am Mr
”
Timms o f the Treasury w
a s the reply
Then
said the D uke turning o n his heel Mr Timms o f
the Treasury I wish yo u a g oodmo r ni ng
Though
this anecdo te is related in the E nglish b ooks as an ex
a mple o f eti q uett e
it is u ndoubtedly true that Mr
“
,
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“
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2 12
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S
TE E
.
Timms o f the Treasury was the politest man o f th e
two fo r even if he had made a mistake in bei n g a
little familiar in his politeness h a d the D uke b een
really a polite man he woul d have made th e bes t of i t
by returning the salutation instea d o f the brutal
m o r t i fi ca t i o n which he heaped upo n the clerk o f the
E very bo dy has read the anec dote of
Treas u ry
W ashington who p olitely returned the salutation of a
negro which caused his friend to ask if he bow e d to
”
a negro
To be sure I did do you think that I
would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness ? said
Wa s hington This is the A merican rule E verybody
in thi s country may be polite to everybo dy a n d if
any o n e i s to o haughty and to o ill bre d to retur n the
s alutation with him alone rests the responsibility and
the shame
,
,
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,
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”
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If you have guests in your house you are to appear
to feel that they are all equal fo r the time fo r the v all
have an equal claim upon your courtesies Those o f
the humblest con ditio n will receive fu ll a s m u ch a tte n
ti on as the rest in o rder that you shall not painfully
make them feel their inferiority
,
,
.
,
.
An
E nglish
autho r has well sa i d that there is no
more common o r absur d mistake than supposing that
because people are of high rank they canno t be vul
gar ; or th at if people be in an Obscure station they
c a nno t b e well bred We have seen as many instances
o f vulgarity in a peer as could be found in a grazier
and have noticed as many examples of a perfect fre e
,
,
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.
2 14
THE
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F
’
I O L ITE NE SS .
gentleman o f the house usually sits even though they
are absent Many persons woul d j ust as so on see a
s tranger using their too th brush as sitting i n the chair
hich they always o ccupy themselves
or
.
w
-
,
.
It is bad manners t o satirize l awyers in the presence
o f l awyers o r do ctors in the presence o f o n e o f that
calling and s o of a l l the professions N o r sho u l d yo u
rail against bribery and corruption in the presence o f
politicians (especially o f a N ew Yo rk p olitician ) o r
members o f C ongress as they will have goo d reaso n to
suppo se that you are driving at them It is the aim o f
poli tenes s t o leave the arena o f so cial intercourse u n
tainted wi t h any severity o f l a r g u a g e o r bitterness o f
feeling T here are places and o ccasions where wrong
must be exposed and reproved b t it is an unpar don
able piece o f rudeness to attempt such things at your
’
where every thing is
n o r ano ther s so cial party
ow
carefully to b e avoided that can in the least disturb the
happiness of any o n e For this reason all kinds o f
controversies are as a general rule to b e avoi ded at
such ti m es
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
r
'
,
,
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,
,
.
If yo u would render yourself pleasing in social par
ties never speak to gratify any particular vanity o r
passion o f your o n but always aim t o interest o r
amuse o thers by themes which yo u know are in accord
ance with their tastes and understandings E ven a
well bred minister will avoid intro ducing his p r o fe s
H e kno ws
s i o n a l habits and themes at such places
th a t the g u e s ts wer e n o t i nvite d th e re t o listen to a
w
,
,
.
-
.
G ENERA L R U LE S
2 15
.
w
er m on and there may be some h o di fle r with him 11
Opinions who would have go o d reason to feel the m
selv e s insulted by being thus forced to listen t o him
s
,
'
1
,
.
Avo id
r e s tl e s s l e s s
in comp any lest y o u make the
D o not beat the
whole party as fi dg e ty as yourself
’
’
‘
D evil s tattoo by drumming with your fingers o n the
table it canno t fail t o annoy every o n e within hear
ing and is the I ndex o f a vacant mind N either read
the newspap er in an audible whisper as it disturbs the
attention o f these near yo u
Bo th these bad habits are
particularly O ffensive where most common that is i n
a counting o r news ro om
R emember that a careless
ness as to what may incommo de o thers is the sure
indee d the essen
S ign o f a co arse and ordinary mind
tial part Of go o d breeding is more in the avoidance o f
whatever may be disagreeable to others than even a n
a ccurate observance Of the customs o f go o d s o ci e tv
,
.
.
,
,
.
,
,
-
.
,
,
,
”
.
a l ls l i ke a
It is a great thing to b e able t o w
n
e
t
l
e
g
m a n— that is t o get rid o f the awkward lou n ging
inging gait o f a clown and stop before you reach
Sw
the a ffected and fli p pa n t step o f a dandy In short
no thi n g but be i ng a g e ntk ma n can ever give you the
real air and step Of on e
A man w
h o has a Shallow or
an impu dent brain will be quite sure to sho wit in his
h eels in Spite o f all that rules Of manners can do fo r
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
N ever address
as
“
Mr
.
or
a person by his o r her initial letter
”
Mr S
It is as vul g ar a s a fi s h
“
.
.
,
2 16
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F
THE
PO e
E NE SS
.
’
monger s style What c a n be more abominable than
to hear a woman Speak o f her husband as Mr P I
as thou gh he had become whi ttled down i n her esti
mation until there is no thing left o f him but a single
letter
.
”
.
.
,
,
.
If yo u should ev e r be intro duced to the family o f a
foreign nobl e man w
h o happens t o be travelling in this
”
country be careful n o t to address them as My L ord
”
or
My L ady which is only customary among servant s
n country
in their o w
Your L o rdship and Your
L adyship would be proper but even these go o d tas t e
will dictate that yo u Should use sparingly just often
enough t o Show that yo u are aware o f the po sitio n
they o ccupy at home
“
,
,
,
”
“
.
“
,
,
,
.
B e careful n o t t o be ove r nice and par ticular o r you
will impress people with the idea that your life began
in vul garity and you are n o wtrying so hard to get
away from it that y o u rush t o the opposi t e extreme
—
N o t long since e heard a lady call Spiten devil creek
”
and some time ago we saw
Sp i te n da u e l cr e e k ;
because some o n e
o n e horrified beyond description
”
in her hearing But ther e
br e e che s
u sed the word
Old Settlers in the neigh
a s a legend among t he
r o r h o o d that she
a s n o t always s o particular in
n
These clumsy and
t h e r days whe n Sh e
a s a milliner
fle ct e d a ttempts at refinement are generall y taken as
t i g n s that tho s e
ho pr a ctis e them b e ga n li fe very
ne a r t he botto m of the hill
-
,
,
,
,
w
.
“
,
,
,
“
w
.
w
w
w
'
“
.
’
.
.
T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S
2 18
.
neve r bo a s t s O I suc h a t t en t ions bu t he never even ad
mits that he h a s received t he m In this p articular th e
young Japanese l a d Tommy showed his go o d bree d
’
i n g when a la dy in a private box at N i bl o s theatre
sai d to him To mmy they say the ladies are all very
’
fond o f y o u ; t o which he repli e d N O m a am I
L adies like t o speak to
s peak A merican language
m e — s e do gentlemen ; they understa nd me I un der
’—
‘
They say H o wdo Tommy ? Shake
s tand them
‘
—
hands and I say Very well sir ma am Shake hands
”
N 0 more
It will be seen t hat Tommy sought
t oo
for a proper re a so n hy the ladies were fond o f
spea king to him
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
“
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
w
.
.
,
,
,
,
.
No
gentleman will stand in the do o rs o f ho tels nor
o n the corners o f the streets gazing impertinent l y a t
the ladies as they pass That is such an unmistakable
S ign o f a lo afer that o n e can hardly i m agine a well
bred man doing such a thing
,
.
,
.
In walking with a lady it is c u stomar y to give her
the right arm but where circumstances render it more
convenient to give her the left it may properly b e
done
If yo u are walking with a lady o n a crowded
s treet like Bro adway by all means g ive her the o u t
side as that will prevent her from bein g pe rp e tually
j o stled and run against by the hurry ing crowd
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
A we l l b r e d
wil l n o t ta k e a s eat by the S ide o f
a lady
i th whom he is unac q u a i n ted in a r a il r o ad ca r
u nl e s s ther e is n o oth er s e a t fo r hi m
a n d if he i s co m
-
w
ma n
,
,
G
E N E R A L R U LE S
2 19
.
p olled t o take such a seat he politely apologises to
the lady for doing s o i n some such manner as s aying
that he is very sorry t o distu rb her bu t there is no
o ther vaca n t seat i n the c a r
,
,
,
.
pretend t o be what you ar e n o t for n o p r e
te n sion can long hide what yo u in reality are The
thi n veil is so on seen through and by trying t o de
ill be judged
c e i ve i n relation to your deserts yo u
an impostor in all thi ngs and a s such kicked o u t of
so ciety
Do
no t
,
.
w
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
ch fo r yourself a n d your fam
ho gives himself airs o f imp or
ily Fo r the ma n w
tance only exhibits the crede n ti a l s o f his o n i n s i g n i fi
cance It is kno n tha t the man o f real positio n d o e s
n o t talk ab o ut it
Do
not a
t o o mu
ss u m e
w
.
w
.
.
in anythin g that belo n g s to you is only
holding a candle t o yo u r o w
Besides by
n de fec ts
a fi e ct a ti o n yo u insu lt e very company y o u are in fo r
b
u
assume
that
they
a
e
shallo
enou
g
h
t
o
e
de
o
r
y
c e i ve d by y our fi i pp a n cy
A fi e ct a t i o n
'
.
,
'
w
,
.
E xhibitin g
y o urself a s be tter and more pio u s than
o ther men i s ano ther w
a y o f insulting your asso ciates
The devout man never a fle c ts any remarkable degre e
o f piety — i t is the hypocrite
ho puts o n go dly ai rs
.
'
w
It
is
a
i
s
e
r
p
.
m rk o f i l l br e e din g t o r efus e prai s e wher e
‘
i s e vi d e ntl y du e ; a n d o n the o ther h a nd
a
a
-
,
,
T HE A M ER I CAN
2 2 0
c
o ne
POL IT ENE S S
or
.
nothin g can b e more vulgar than indiscriminate
insincere praise It is the next thing to abuse
.
a nd
.
A
proud and disdainful deportment is insulting t o
every company you may b e in and t o every man
you meet E very o n e owes a fi a bi l i ty and go o d nature
to so ciety
,
'
-
.
.
It is a mark o f weakness and sycophancy to run i n
discriminately after every no toriety that comes alo n g
It shows a lack o f judgment as well as of taste fo r i t
will no t do to be always led in the current of popular
applause E steem and admiration are no t always be
stowed o n tho se who best deserve t hem They are
often stolen from the public by tho s e who have he
art of se t ting o ff mo derate qualifications whi ch fr o
quently gives more reputation than real merit
.
,
,
.
.
,
.
N o thing detracts more from the character o f a g en
H e tha t p e r p e t u
t l e m a n than the exhibitio n o f envy
.
ally manifests this bad spirit no t o nly tell s everybo dy
about him that he knows himself to be de s pise d bu t
he renders himself the annoyance o f every company
,
,
.
Giving advi ce when it is n o t asked i s an i mp e r t i
It is as
n e n c e that a gentleman i s never guilty of
a superiority o n yo u r part which even the
s u mi n g
fi r m e s t friendship will find i t di ffi cult to forgive
,
.
.
Avoid goin g into co mp any when yo u are what is
calle d ou t of s or ts o r peevish and dull P eople get
,
.
2 2 2
THE
A M ER I CAN
CO D
lips and car ryin g b ack
fastened to her side
the
E
or
the
,
P O IIT E N E S S
'
elbows as if
.
the y
er
w
e
It is no t go o d te n for a lady to speak t o o quic k
o r t o o lo ud
When se ated she ought neither t o cro s s
her legs no r take any vulgar at t itude She should
o ccupy her chair entirely and appear neither to o rest
l ess no r to o immovable It is alto gether o u t of place
fo r her to thro w her drapery around her in sitting
down o r to spread o u t her dress for display as upstarts
do i n order t o avoid the least rumple
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
,
In walking a l ady ought t o have a mo dest and
measured gai t t o o gr e a t hurry injures the grace which
o ught to characterize her a flaunting carriage betrays
étou r de r i e o r boldnes s ; s h e s hould no t tur n her head
o r stare about her
s u ch a habit s eems an i n vitatio n
t o the impertinent
,
,
,
.
Immo derate laughter is exc e e dingly u n becoming in
a lady ; she may a ffec t the dimple or the smile but
s hould carefully avo id any approximatio n t o a horse
l augh L aughers have been r a n g ed under the follow
i n g hea ds
.
.
T H E D IMP L E RS
T H E S MI LER S
T HE
.
L A U G HER S
T H E G R IN N E Rs
T HE
.
.
.
H OR S E LA UG HERS
-
.
G
ENERAL R U LE S
2 2 3
.
dimple is practised t o give a grace to the fea
u res and is frequently made a bait t o e ntangle a gaz
in
lover
This
called
by
t
h
e
ancients
the
chain
a
s
g
l augh
T he
w
,
.
.
The smile is fo r the mo st part confined t o the fai r
It expresses o u r s a ti s fa c
s e x and their male retinue
t i on m a sort o f liberal approbation it do es no t t o o
much disorder the features and is practised by lover s
This tender emo tio n o f
o f the mo st delicate a ddress
physiognomy the ancie n ts called the Ionic laugh
.
,
.
-
.
The laugh among us is the common r i s u s o f the
and is s imply an expansio n o f the smil e
a ncients
accompanied by a slight c a chi n a ti o n
,
,
.
The grin by writers o f anti q uity
crusian and was then as it is n o
display a beautiful set o f teeth
,
,
is
called the Syn
made use o f to
w
,
,
,
.
The hor e laugh i s an un due expansio n o f the laugh
a ccompanied with a boisterous noise and i s n o t allow
able in polite so ciety It may be however and o ft en
is made use o f in all kin ds o f disputation Those
who are proficient in it by a well time d laugh will
often ba hl e the most solid reasoner Thi s upo n a l l
o ccasions supplies the want o f reason ; is always r e
c e i ve d with great applause in co f
fee houses dispute
a n d that si de which the laugh j oi ns
a n d wranglings
ith generally gets the better o f its anta g onist
s
-
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
-
,
,
.
,
,
-
,
w
,
.
2 2 4
THE
A M ER I CAN C O D E
LKING
ON TA
IN
or
POL IT E NE S S
.
C O M PAN Y
.
A man is quite sure to sho w his go o d o r bad
br e e d
o
ing the instant he Opens his mouth to talk in company
l f he is a g e ntl e ma n he starts no subj ect o f convers a
t ion that can possibly be displeasing to any p erson
present The ground is common to all and no o n e has
a right to monop olize any p art of i t for his o wn p ar
N o one i s
t i cu l a r opinions in p olitics o r religion
there to make pro selytes but every o n e has been i n
vi t e d to be a g r ee a ble and to p l e a s e
.
.
,
.
,
,
.
,
A t such t i mes
shoul d avo id appearing dog m a ti
cal and t o o positive in any assertio ns y o u make which
can p ossibly be subj ect to a n y contradiction H e that
i s peremptory in his o n story may meet with another
as positive as himself to contradict him and then t he
tw
o S i r P o sitives will be s ur e to have a skirmish
u
o
y
,
w
.
,
,
.
w
You will forbear t o interrupt a person ho is tell
ing a story ev en though he is m aking historical mis
takes in dates and facts If he makes mistakes i t i s
hi s o wn fault and it is not your business to mortify
him by attempting to correct his blunders in presence
o f those with whom he is a mbi t i o n s to stand well
,
.
,
.
'
If a m a n is telling that which i s as old as the hills
a
is
to
o r which you believe to be false the better
y
let him go o n Why should you refuse a man the
pleasure of believing tha t he is telling you something
hich you never hear d before ? Besides by refusing
w
,
.
w
,
,
16
2 5
ru n
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F
P oL Ir E N E s s
.
nsi der that a so cial p arty is no t intende d as
school fo r reform o r a pulpit to denounce sin i n
to
ar e
c
o
.
,
a
,
Talk as little of yourself as possible o r o f any sci
ence o r bu s iness in which you have acquired fame
T here is a banker in N e York h o is always certai n
t o o ccupy the time Of every party he gets in t o by
talkin g o f his p e r ce nts an d bo asting that he be g a n l ife
w
and
i thou t a ce nt— which every o n e readily believes
if he were t o add that he be g a n l ife i n a p i g p e n they
would believ e that t oo
,
w
w
.
,
,
,
.
E ven
if you are n o t a goo d talker tr y t o s ustain
some share o f the conversation fo r yo u as easily i n
s a l t a company by m aintainin g a contemptuous silence
as by engro ssing all the talk
,
,
.
L isten attentively and patiently
what i s said It
is a great and di ffi cult talent t o be a go o d listener
but it i s one which the well bred man has to acquire
a t whatever pains
to
.
-
,
.
w
If you meet an ill bred fell o in company who s e
voice and manners are O ffensive t o yo u y o u canno t
r esent it at the time because by so doing yo u compel
the whole company to be spectators o f your quarrel
and the pleasure o f the party would be spoiled
-
,
,
,
.
.
D on
h
w
o
y
ou
’
t talk O f the Opera in the presence Of those
are no t frequenters of it They will imagine that
ar e
f or that you are l yi ng and tha t
s howi n g o f
.
,
,
ON
I N T RO D U C TI ON S
2 2 7
.
never been to the opera twice i n your life
Fo r the same reason avoid t o o frequently speaki n g
o f yo u r acquaintance with celebrate d men unless you
are a public man yourself ho would be suppo sed t o
have such acquaintance
o
u
y
h ave
.
,
,
w
,
.
By all means Shu n the vulgar habit o f joking at the
A ll such tricks as refu sing a lady
e xpense o f women
w
a piece o f to n gue because
om e n a l r e a dy ha ve tong u e
are as vulgar as they are o l d and stale The
e n ou g h
ma n h o do es n o t respect woman expo ses himself t o
the s u spicion Of asso ciating generally with the fallen
i
t
c n o f the sex
o
r
A
nd
besides
he
has
right
n
t
o
o
p
make a respect able parlor o r drawing ro om the thea
tre o f such vulgar j okes and railing a g ainst the s e x a s
l
o
do
n
in
o
w
so
ciety
g
,
.
,
”
w
.
,
,
.
,
-
w
.
ON
IN T R O D U C T I O N S
.
The custom which prevails in country places o f i n
t r o du ci ng everybo dy y o u meet t o each o ther is bo th
a n annoying and an improper o n e
A s a g e n e r a l rule
i ntro ductions ought n o t to be m ade except where
there is un doubte d evi dence that the acquain tance
would be mutually agreeable and proper
,
'
,
.
,
.
It is customary i n introducing people to present
the youngest person to the oldest o r the humblest to
th e highest in po sition i f there is a ny distinc ti on
,
,
,
,
.
T H E A M ER I C A N C O D E
2 2 8
OF
POL I i E N Es s
.
hus
Mr Thompson allo w
me to prese n t to yo u Mr
o r I wish to m a k e yo u acquainted with M r
S mith
The gentleman i s always p esente d to the
S mith
l ady as Mrs Johnson I have the pleasure o f pre
”
senting to yo u Mr S impso n When you introduce
p arties whi ch yo u are quite sure will b e pleased with
e a ch o ther
i t is well to add after the introduction
t hat yo u take great pleasure in making them acquaint
ed which will be a n assurance to e a ch that you think
they are well matched and thus they are prep ared to
b e friends from the start
“
t
.
.
,
.
,
r
.
“
.
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
In intro ducing parties b e carefu l to prono unce each
name distinctly as there is nothin g more a wkward
’
than to have one s name miscalled for instance for a
man who se name is Morehead to be called M ole lz e a cl
Grimshaw to b e called G r i ms l z a nks
Mistakes
or
quite as unpleasant as these are con stantly o ccurring
in conse q uence o f indistinct intro ductions
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
When yo u are intro duced to a person be careful
n o t t o appear as though you had never heard o f him
before
If he happ ens t o be a person o f any dis
tinction such a mistake would be unpardo nable and
n o person is complimented by being reminded o f t h e
fact that his name is unknown
,
~
.
,
,
.
If by any misfortune you have been intro duced to a
person whose ac q uaintance you do no t desire you can
merely make the formal h o o f etiquette when you
meet him which o f itsel f encourages no familiarity
w
,
,
,
,
T HE A MER I CAN C O D E
2 30
or
r O L IT E N E SS
.
In France and o n the continent of E urope generall y
I n A merica the
directly the reverse is the fashion
E nglish custom generally prevails ; though where a
young gentleman has a letter to o ne who is many
years his senior o r to o ne whose aid he seeks in some
enterprise he takes it at o nce himself
,
,
.
,
.
,
When a gentleman bearing a letter o f intro ductio n
to you leaves his card y o u should call o n him o r send
a no te as early as po ssible There is no greater i a
sult than to treat a letter o f fn t r o du e ti o n with i n di ffe r
ence A fter yo u have ma de this call it is to some e x
tent optional with yo u as to what further attentions
you shall p ay the party In this country everybo dy
i s supposed to be very busy which is always a sufh
cient excuse fo r n o t paying elaborate attentions to
visitors
It is n o t deman ded that any man Shal l
n eglect his business t o wait upo n visitors o r guests
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
‘
.
.
L etters
mere intro ductio n are no t seale d by th e
parties who write them but the parties taking them
may seal them o r n o t as they please befor e delivering
them
of
,
,
.
ON
D R E SS
.
Well bred people do no t often dress in what is call
e d the
heighth o f fashion as that is generally left to
dan dies and pretenders But still it is un doubtedly a
g reat point g aine d to be well dressed T o be fa n c i
-
”
,
.
.
ON
D
RE S S
2 31
.
dressed in gaudy colors is to be very badly
dressed however and is an example o f ill taste which
is rarely met with among people o f substantial g ood
breeding
fu l l y
,
,
,
,
.
C leanliness and neatness are the invar i able aecom
goo d breeding E very gentleman m a y
no t be dressed expensively he may no t be able to do
so but water is cheap and no gentleman will ever go
into company unmindful o f cleanliness either in his
person o r apparel
n i m e n ts
a
p
of
.
,
,
.
Did any lady ever see a gentleman with a n e mbr o i
dered waistco at a n d a profusion o f chains rings and
trinkets adorning his person
,
,
Avo id a ffecting singularity in dress
,
E xpensive
.
dressing is n o sign o f a gentlemen If a gentleman is
abl e to dress expensively it is very well for him to do
s o but if he i s no t a ble to wear ten dollar bro adcloth
he may comfort himself with the reflection that clo th
which costs but three dollars a yard will lo ok q uite as
well when made into a well fi tti ng coat With this
suit and well made sho es clean gloves a white po cket
han dkerchief a n d an easy a n d graceful deportment
withal he may pass muster as a gentleman Manners
do quite as much to set o ff a suit o f clo thes as clothes
do to set O ff a gracefu l person
.
-
,
,
-
.
-
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
Avoid what is called the
or
the
nonc ha l a n t
and
ru
s l o a chz ng
'
ffi a n l y
style o f dre s s
appearance of a half
,
T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E
2 32
or
P oL i T E N E S S
.
nbuttone d vest and suspenderless pantaloons That
sort of a fi e ct a ti o n is if p ossible even more di s gusting
than the painfully elaborate frippery o f the dan dy
u
.
,
,
,
.
Gentlemen never make any display o f j ewelry that
is given up entirely to the dominion of female taste
But la dies of go o d taste seldom wear it in the morn i ng
It is reserved fo r evening display and for brilliant
parties
.
.
.
E VE NIN G
ON
PART IE S
.
Invitations to evening p arties are sent several days
before the party is to take place and the answers
should invariably b e returned immediately a cce p ti ng
,
or
de cl i ni ng ,
w
i th
,
r e g r e ts
r
.
’
In most o f the A merican cities nine O clock is t h e
hour which custom has established as the time for the
lady to be in her parlor rea dy to receive her guests
’
and by ten o clo ck all the guests Should arrive It is
an a fi e c ta t i o n no t entirely devo id Of assumption a n d
impu dence for people to purposely delay their appear
ance till a very late hour
,
,
.
,
,
.
In l arge a n d formal p arties i t is generally custom
ary for th e servant to announce the names of the gue s ts
a s they enter the ro om but this i s a ceremony well
,
,
2 34
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F PO L IT ENE S S
THE
.
but yet there are thousan ds Of p eople i n the world
w
ho think themselves well bred whose mouths are
guillo tines t o every go o d name that g ets into them
h o was o n e o f the most refine d and a c
A aro n Burr w
complishe d gentlemen that ever live d used to say
that the gu lf between D ives and L azarus a s n o t
greater than that between a g e ntle m a n and a ca l a m
”
n i a to r
P arton in his interestin g life o f this extra
o rdinary man relates the following characteristic a n
-
,
.
,
w
,
“
.
,
,
,
e c do t e
S ome
gentlemen were in his room o ne evening
when the co nversation to ok a severe r tone than he
liked N o w Speaking ill o f any o n e o r the use o f de
A fter o n e o f
n unciato ry language he never relished
his guests had finished some severe remarks the lady
o f the house stepped forward and in a q uick grace
ful manner peculiar to her repeated the lines from
’
Burns A ddress to the Unco Gude
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
‘T h
ge ntly s c a n yo u r b r o the r ma n
S t i ll g e n tl e r s i s t e r wo m a n ;
’
r an g
T h ou gh th e y m a y g a n g a k e n ni n w
e n
To
,
s te
as i
de i s hu m a n :
ll be gr tly d k
T he m ovi g Why t h e y do i t
A n dj t a s l m ly c n y e m ar k
f r p e h p s th e y r u e i t
H ow
O ne
p oi
p
,
nt
s ti
mu st
e a
n
u s
Wh o
,
a
e
r
a
m a de t h e h e
ly c
D e ci de d
an
.
,
ar
’
t, ti s H e
tr y
u s
l
a one
;
kn ow
s
ach ch o d— i t s va r i ou s
E ch s p r i n g—i ts v i o u s b i as ;
He
e
a
,
,
a
a
ar
r
ar
t one ,
ON
The n
at
th e
kno
b al a nce le t s
’
W e n e ve r
’
Wh a t s don e
Bu t
E V EN I N G PAR TI E S
j
ca n a d u s
ar
w
35
t it;
p
y co m u t e ,
’
r e s i s te d
t
a
no
.
be m u t e
wp ly m
w t wh t
e
"
’
s
a
.
Go o d hu mo r a s restored a n d a bette r S pirit pre
vailed i n the company B u rr w
ho had lain silent up to
‘
H ow
thi s ti me no w expressed the keenest delight
’
SO
go o d ! he kept whispering
ho wve r y go o d
’
like you my dear s o like yo u 1 H e was exceedingly
pleased and often alluded t o the s ce n e and the lines
afterwards
-
,
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
that if g oodfor tu ne get y o u the esteem
o f the public still no thi ng but m e r i t can pro cur e the
respect and confidence o f men o f sense and virtue
R emember ,
,
.
the sinners a g ainst the laws o f politeness the
False r e
br a g g a r o r the l i a r is o n e o f the greatest
tending is o n e o f the sure signs o f ill bred r a s c a l i
N o t long ago a family moved from the city a fe
miles o u t into a small country village where the father
mo ther sons and dau ghters all commenced bo asting
of their asso ciations and splendo r in the city But i t
so o n became known t hat the head o f this swaggerin g
family a s a few years a g o a roper i n for a gambling
hell a n d a decoy duck for a still more disreputable
place i n P hiladelphia ; and afterwar ds a keeper of a
vile den in C alifornia
and finally the proprietor o f
a faro bank a n d a man u facturer o f illegal and i n de
cent wares i n N ew York city where he bro u ght up
his daughters as shining light s o f a free love club
O f all
,
«
.
-
w
,
,
,
,
,
.
w
-
,
,
-
,
,
,
,
-
,
,
-
.
36
T HE
A M ER I CAN C O D E
POL IT ENE SS
or
.
E very
member of this leprous family at once set up t o
be censors o f the village m anners a n d slan derers o f
the moral excellence which they naturally enough
hate d But vain are the thin disguises in which low
vice tries to hi de itself 1 E very well bred perso n
at once detects all false pretending to respectability
The true coin of go o d bree ding is so indelibly stamped
with unmistakable grace a n d naturalness that n o
counterfeit c a n ever be made to imitate it The o nly
sensible thing fo r people o f the character described
above is to keep as q uiet and remai n as much in the
dark as po ssible
,
.
-
.
,
.
,
,
.
,
The man w
h o has no merit himself will always b e e n
vi o u s of the merit o f o thers and therefore by abusing
o thers you expo se yourself to the suspicion o f be i n
destitute Of character
,
,
g
,
.
Mo dest people seldom fail to gain the go o d will
and respect of tho se with whom they converse because
nobo dy is envious of those who make no pretensio n to
any especial claims upon their respect
-
,
.
D o no t forget that no matter how el o q uent y o u
may be you will please most people more by listening
to the m than by talkin g yourself
,
.
A n overdone poli teness is the next thing to r u de
n superiority o r
ess for it presumes upon your o w
upon the inexperience o f the o n e to whom y o u a ddress
your self
n
,
,
.
2 38
THE
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F PO L IT ENE S S
MARRIAGE
.
.
w
I h a v e a lready s aid that hen a m a n marrie s it i s
understo o d that a l l former acquaintanc e hip e nds
u nless he intimate a desire t o renew i t by sen ding
’
r by letter
o
his
and
his
wife
s
car
if
near
n
u
o
o
y
d
if dis t ant If this be neglected be s ur e n o fur ther
intercour s e is desire d
,
,
s
w
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
In the first place— a bachelor i s s eldom ve r y p a r
ti cu l a r i n the choice o f his companions
S o lon g as
he is amused he will asso ciate freely enough with
tho se whose morals and habi ts would p oint them o u t
a s highly dangerous person s t o intro duce into the
s anctity o f domestic life
.
,
.
S econdly— a
married man has the tastes o f a nothe r
to cons u lt and the friend o f the hu s ba nd may n o t be
ife
e qua l ly acceptable to the w
.
Besides—
newly married people may wish t o limi t
the circle o f their friends from praiseworthy mo tives
When a man s e ts u p i n the world
o f economy
t he burthen o f an extensive and indiscriminate a c
quaintance may be felt in various ways Many have
had cause t o r egr et the weaknes s o f mind which
allowed them t o plunge into a ve r te x o f gayety and
expense they could i l l a ffo rd from which they have
found it di ffi cult to extricate themselve s a n dthe e ffects
o f which hav e pr o v e d a s eri o u s e vil t o them i n a fter
-
,
“
.
,
.
,
,
D
ANC IN G
2 39
.
DAN C IN G
.
Wi th the eti q uette of a ball ro om s o far a s i t g o e s
t he re are but few people u n ac q uainted
C ertain per
s ons are appointed t o act as stewards o r there wil l
”
be a master o f the ceremonies whose o ffi ce i t is t o
see that everything be conducted in a prope r manner
if you a r e entirely a stranger it is t o the m yo u mus t
apply for a partner and point o u t (quietly) any young
la dy wi t h whom y o u should like t o dance when if
there be n o obvious inequality o f rank they will pre
s ent you for that purpose
should there be an o bj e c
tion they will probably select some o n e they consider
more suitable ; but do no t o n any account go to a
s trange lady by yourself and request her to dance a s
”
she will u nhesita tingly decline the honor and think
o
u
a
n
impertinent
fellow
your
presumption
r
o
f
y
-
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
A ny presentation
a lady in a public ball room
fo r the mere purpose o f dancing does no t entitle yo u
t o claim her acquaintance afterwards
therefore
should
;
o
u
u
meet
her
at
most
may
lift
our
hat
but
o
y
y
y
;
even that is bet te r avoided — unless indeed she first
—
bo
as neither s he nor her friends can know ho
to
-
,
,
.
,
w
w
h ty
,
,
w
,
,
or
a
ou
ar e
.
L ead
the lady through the quadrille ; do
her n or clasp her hand as if i t were made
l est she no t u njustly think y o u a h ear
,
,
Y ou
wil l
if
u
o
y
of
dr a g
wo o d
,
.
,
no t,
no t
ar e
wise
,
t
s an
d
u
i
n
p
a
u
a
d
q
T HE A M E R I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S
2 40
.
rille without knowing something o f the figure ; an d
if y o u are master o f a few o f the steps s o m u ch th e
But dance quietly ; do no t kick and caper
be tte r
about n o r sway yo u r bo dy to and fro ; dance only
d
d
and
lea
the
la
y
as
lightly
w
ar d
s
r om the hi s do w
n
p
f
as you would tread a measure with a spirit o f gossa
,
.
,
m cr
.
”
D o not pride yourself o n doing the steps neatly
unless yo u are a mbi ti o ns of being taken for a dancing
master ; between whose motions and those o f a g e n
tl e m a n there is a great difference
,
.
If a lady should decline civilly to dance with you
making an excuse and you chance to see her dancing
afterwards do n o t take any notic e o f it n o r be
o ffended with her It might n o t b e that she de sp i s e d
r
e
r
r
e
d
u
but
that
she
another
We
c
nnot
o
a
y
p ef
always fathom the hi dden springs which influence a
’
woman s actio ns and there are many bursting hearts
within white satin dresses ; therefore do n o t insist
upon the fulfilment of established regulation de s i g
”
ner
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
.
Besides it is a hard case that women Shoul d be c o m
f
f
l
l
d
to
dance
with
everybo
dy
O
ered
them
at
the
e
e
p
alternative o f not being allo wed to enj oy themselves
at all
,
,
.
If a friend h e en g aged when yo u request her to
d a nce and She promis e s to be your pa r tner fo r the
,
T HE
C
C O DE
A MERI A N
OF
POL IT ENE SS
.
round would be tiresome and therefore
roper
h
ve
n o fear that they will deem you o dd o r
a
p
u n friendly as if they hav e any sense at all they c a n
a ppr e c i a t e y o u r r e a sons
If yo u h a ve a nyth i ng t o s a v
to th e m j oi n the m a t o n c e
,
,
,
.
,
.
E T IQ UE TT E A T
WASHIN GT O N
.
rules of so cial intercourse in the city o f Wash
i ng to n the capital o f the United S tates though in a c
c o r da n c e with the customs o f general go o d bree ding
everywhere are nevertheless destitute o f that unity
and completeness which may be found in o ther A meri
can ci t ies What is called so ciety i n Washington
i s made up chiefly o f foreign diplo m ats a n d o u r own
sta tesmen and politicians and the rules o f etiquette
practised there are t o some little extent varied o r
mo dified by all the various E uropean and American
lo calities which are represented in its communi ty
But for all this there is n o pl ace in o u r country
where etiquette is mo re inexorable o r exacting than
in Washington A ll small ci t ies which happen t o be
capitals o f great states are sure to get intoxicated
—
with self importance to put o n airs a n d become wise
n conceits
i n their o w
The well bre d man will n o t b e
l o n g in Washingto n before he will have o ccasion to
smile at the truth o f this remark a n d if he perceives
a few things in their etiquette which are peculiar and
p e dantic he will no t o f course either dis r egard o r a t
T HE
,
,
,
”
“
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
-
,
-
.
,
,
,
(2
43 )
c om
T HE A MER I CAN
2 44
‘
P O L II E N E S S
or
.
tempt to reform them but readily fall in with the cus
toms o f fashionable life there
There is a small pamphlet o n the E tiquette o f
”
Washington published in tha t city all the essential
matter o f which i s co ndensed in the remaini n g page s
o f this bo ok
,
.
,
,
.
D R E SS
.
The very ide a o f a gentleman excludes that of a
A gentleman will dress well but never
fo p o r dandy
gaudily Thi s rul e alone if properly attende d to
might serve for all that e have to say un der this
head ; but for the b enefit of the young and i n e x
r i e n c e d who se welfare we have mo st at heart we
e
p
will suggest a few things to be do ne and o thers to b e
omitted W e say therefore eschew an excess o f jew
A breast pin o r gold button with a chain i s
e lr y
very well
A ring is also worn by some A void
gaudiness and singularity A dapt your dress to your
complexion Washington tho ugh a small place is in
qu i te metropolitan Duri n g the winter
o n e respect
so ciety i s ma de u p o f materials gathered from
It s
all parts o f the country and all the styles as well as
all the politics o f the country are represente d here
A gentleman therefore m a y suit his t aste in respect
to the shape and material o f his hat co at etc T he
s ame remarks apply to the dress o f ladies but they in
the nature o f things are allowed greater variety of
c o l o r s ornament styl e etc etc
.
,
w
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
“
,
,
-
.
,
,
.
.
.
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
.
,
2 46
T HE
A M ER I CAN C O D E
POL IT ENE S S
or
.
ness of waiting for a recognition while the party to
whom i t is a ddres s e d rea ds it The latter may find
i t inconvenient to receive company a n d the card woul d
a flo r d him an Opportunity to decline
.
,
'
.
But if the letter be o n business I t
Business dispense s
s ente d in person
If you receive a letter intro d u cing a
should at Once leave your car dfor him
,
.
C ar ds are in dispensable to the
hould be pre
with ceremony
gentleman you
at his lo dgings
S
.
,
.
of polite
so ciety but we are constraine d by our l imite d Space
to Omit specific directions for thei r use
i n te r co u
se
.
Vi s i ts of ceremony shoul d be in the morning and
sh oul d no t last more than five to twenty minutes A
card left at the door su ffices for a morning call amo n g
very fashionable people It is to be borne in min d
th at in the fashionable worl d morning never breaks
’
earlier than eleven O clo ck a n d usually lasts until
‘
three I he la dy who receives calls shoul d do s o a t
once or sen d a servant to excuse her When the call
i s inten de d fo r bo th the gentleman and la dy the name
Of the latter only Shoul d be mentioned In making
a morning call a gentleman should retain his hat in
his hand which th e la dy will no t notice But if a
longer visit i s intende d the hat overco at &c shoul d
be deposi te d in the hall before entering the room
,
.
,
.
,
,
r
.
.
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
The la dy of the house Shoul d never trouble her
d
uests
with
her
ho
sehol
erangements
no
r
the
gen
d
u
g
,
E V EN I N G
tl cm a n
P ART IE S
2 47
.
with his busine s s T he topics selected fo r
conversation should be g eneral and o f a n agree able
nature If the company a gree in politics o r religion
i t is delightful t o interchan g e sentiments and impres
sions o f passing events but it is always awkwar d if
n o t disagree able a n d ru de to intro duce controverted
uestions
Very
intelligent
and
polished
people
may
q
discuss politics without O ffence but it requires the
u tmo st skill and delicacy to d
and as a general
o so
rule all such discussions run into unpleasant disputa
tion
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
It is the custom in Washington fo r tw
more
o or
l adies during the da y t o visit the C apitol the P atent
O ffice the S mithsonian Institution &c unattended by
gentlemen as otherwise they might be debarred many
enjoyments Where it is inconvenient fo r a la dy to
fi n d a female companion i n such a wal k it is s u ffi cient
t o have the attendance o f a child
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
E V E NING
PART I ES
.
parties are most appropriate to the w
i nter
They are discontinue d during L ent but may be r e
C ar ds O f invitation Sh ould be sent
s ume d afterwar ds
to guests some days beforehan d a n d the latter should
imme diately accept or decline with regrets The car ds
s h ould be in the name o f the la dy eith er written o r
’
Fashion has e s tablished n ine O clo ck a s
e ngraved
E vening
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
2 48
THE
A M ERI CAN C O D E
or
P
O L IT ENE S S
.
the hour at which the lady should be in her parlor to
receive her gue s ts ; and from that hour t o ten th e
guests are e xpected t o arrive
.
The lady should hav e everything arranged s o that
she will no t be c o mpelled to leave her guests t o supe r
in te nd her h o usehold The guests will be conducted
t o the dressing ro oms and the ladies having a d
justed
their toilets will be attended to the drawing ro o m by
the gentlemen w
h o acc o mpany them
A servant some
times an nounces the names o f the guests as they enter
the ro om The lady will precede the gentleman o r
lean o n his arm The l ady of t h e house will be near
the doo r to receive them a n d a ft e r a few words of
greeting th ey will pass o n and j oin in conversation
with a ny Of their ac q uaintances ho may be present
,
.
-
,
,
-
,
.
,
.
.
,
,
w
,
.
Gentlemen will n o t g et togeth e r in group s
neglect o f the ladies
t o the
.
When a table is spread the host will precede hi s
guests in company with o n e o f the ladies followed
by the hostess The g entlemen prese nt wil l conduc t
the ladies i n a like manner
,
,
,
.
.
When no table is spread the refr e s hments will be
handed around and the g uests will help themselves
A t intervals iced bever a ges will be passe d around the
r o oms for the refreshment of the guests
White o r
very light colored k i d gloves are wo rn during the
e vening except at supper
,
.
,
,
.
-
,
.
2 50
A M ER I CAN C O D E O F POL IT ENE S S
THE
Q
.
the flavor of fi s h After this course meat
fo w
l s &c are serve d The napkin s are to be unfol de d
a n d spread upon the knees
Finger glasses will be
brought on with the de s sert
They contain w a rm
water with a bit of lemo n in it It is u sual to di p a
corner o f the napkin in the water and wipe the lips
also to di p the fingers in a n d wipe them on the napkin
It is highly disgusting to Spit o r blow the nose with a
lou d explosive noise at the table The knife is never
used to convey fo o d to the mouth the fork bei n g
generally su fficient fo r the purpose or it may be
assiste d by a piece Of bread in the left hand The
ser vants shoul d each be furni s hed with a clean white
napkin with which to han dle the plates o f the guests
C lean white glo ves are sometimes used Wine i s not
The la dies are
drunk until the second course is over
helped to the kind o f wine they prefer by the gentle
man next to th em When the ladies retire the gen
t l e m e n should rise with them and stand until t h e y
leave the dining ro om C o ffee may b e served either
in the dining ro om or parlor
r i ou s
to
'
.
.
,
,
,
.
,
-
.
.
.
,
,
.
.
.
.
,
.
.
.
,
,
-
.
-
.
DE P O R T M E N T
IN T HE S T R E E T
.
The toil et shoul d be thoro u ghly adjusted before
leaving the house even to the putting on the gloves
The great point in walking is to be natural
A ll
a ffected airs are contemptible
O n the o ther han d
a n awkward or sl ovenly gait shoul d not b e mistaken
for a natural one
.
,
.
.
.
,
D
EPOR TM E N T I N T HE S T REE T
2 51
.
A g entleman meeting a lady acquaintance should
wait to be recognized by her a n d shoul d raise his hat
while bowing to her A lso in meetin g a gentleman
o f your ac q uaintance
ho is accompani ed by a lady
u t Of respect t o her and
should
raise
your
hat
u
o
o
y
he Shoul d respond in a li ke manner to your salutation
If a gentleman salutes the lady yo u accompany yo u
It is n o t n e ce s
Should return it if she recognizes it
sary to take o ff the gloves in shaking han ds with a
l ady neither Should a gentleman make the advances
In walking the gentleman should keep next t o the
carr i age way
,
.
w
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
-
.
A gentleman should never
a punctili ous o bs e r
vance Of the rules Of politeness to his recognized a c
n
a
n
r
a
i
t
e
s
f
om an apprehension that he will n o t be
u
c
q
met with r e cipro cal marks Of respect For instance
h e should no t refuse to raise his hat t o an acquaint
ance h o is accompanied by a lady lest her escort
should from ignorance o r stolidity retu rn his polite
salutation with a n o d Of the head
e
mi t
,
.
w
,
,
,
,
.
It is better no t to see him than t o set the exampl e
o f a rude and indecorous salutation
In all such
case s a n d in all cases he who is most courteous ha s
the advantage and shoul d never feel that he ha s
m ade a humiliating sacrifice O f his per s onal dignity
a t i s for th e party whose behavior has bee n bo orish to
h a ve a con s ciousness o f inferiori ty
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
ft
g entleman meeti ng a lady acq u aint a nce
on
the
T HE A M ER I CAN C O D E
2 52
or
P O L Ir E r Es s
'
.
street s h ou l d n o t presume to join her in her walk
without as certaining that his company would be e n
It migh t b e o therwise and she
t i r e l y agreeable
should frankly say so A marrie d lady usually leans
u pon the arm o f her husband ; but single ladies do
no t in the day take the a r m o f a gentleman unle s s
they are willing to acknowl e dge an engagement
G entlemen always give place to ladies and gentlemen
accompanyi n g l adies in crossin g the street
,
o
,
.
.
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
BAL L S
.
w
B alls t o which anybody h o cho oses may go and
take wh om he pleases by buying a ticket are avoided
by many l adies and with go o d reason But select
b alls under judicious and responsible management
a r e no t liable to this Objectio n
In such cases the
l adies are i nvited and no ne others go
The gentle
ho accompanies a la dy will dance the first set
man w
with her She may then dance with o ther gentlemen
A t a private p arty a gentleman may o ffer to dance
with a l ady wi thout an intro duction but at ball s the
ru le is di fferent The gentleman should respectfully
O ffer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with
him a n d lead her to her place A t the conclusion o f
the set he will co nduct h er to a s e a t O ffer her any a t
tention o r converse with her A gentleman shoul d
no t dance with his wife and not to o Often with t h e
lady to whom he is en g ag ed
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
.
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
.
,
.
2 51
T HE
A M ER I CAN C O D E
POL IT ENE S S
OF
.
The P resident is acces s ib l e to p rivate individual s
who desire to see him o n busi ne s s a n d he has al s o set
apart an hour o r two o n certain days in each week for
receiving the frien dly visits o f the public Thes e reg
are Often varied a n d we therefore refrain
u l a ti o n s
from giving them The P resident never accepts i n
vi ta t i o n s t o dinner or makes so cial visits
A n invita
tio n to dine wi th the P resident is accepte d n o tw
i th
s ta nding a previous engagement It is proper to a d
dress him as ] if r P r e s i de nt
,
.
,
.
.
,
,
.
.
On
.
’
N ew Year s day the
Ne
wYork
custom prevails
i n W ashingto n of keeping open house N o t only the
P resident and cabinet but many o ther gentlemen O f
fi ci a l and private have a dopted it and furnish their
voluntary guests with refreshments
-
.
,
,
,
,
.
W e have thus given the l e adin g rules and principles
Of Washingto n etiquette T o supply all the details of
ceremony in so cial and O fi c i a l life woul d require a
volume and compel us to depart from the plan hich
”
we had marked o u t fo r ourselves
.
w
,
.
WIT
TA BLE
A LL men
AND A N E CDO T E S
.
bound to be especially amiable at table
and every thing tart and ill nature d is therefore car e
fully avoi ded B u t yet the graceful sally a n d happy
r etor t a r e Often amo ng the mo st spicy and mirth
r
o
p
A celebrated scholar and
vo k i ng events at a feast
wit was selecting some Of the choicest delicacies on
the table when a rich frien d sai d to him What ! do
philosophers love dainties
Why no t ? replie d the
scholar ; do yo u think all the goo d things o f this
worl d were ma de o nly for blo ckhea ds
Thi s woul d be sure to set the table in a r e a r be
cau s e it was a tilt between two friends and equal s
and the question was aske d fo r the purpo se Of pr o vo k
’
ing a wit s reply
ar e
,
-
,
.
,
,
-
.
,
,
,
,
.
when L ord C hesterfield came l ate to dinner
an illustrious guest sai d t o him What my lord yo u
ine
s o late ! we have already drank six bottles o f
Tha t said his lordship is more tha n I can s w
at
O nce
,
,
”
“
l
w
o
w
,
”
.
“
,
,
”
.
An
in
,
traveller dining at a French or dinary
S oho seeing a large dis h o f soup with abou t half a
E ngli s h
,
56
T
A B LE
W IT
AN D
AN E C D O T E S
poun d of mutton in the middle o f it began to pull o ff
his coat and vest at which a French gentleman a s ked
him what he w
a s going to do 9
Why monsieur
s ai d he
I am going to see if I can swim through thi s
o ce a n of porri dge to yo u little island o f mutton
,
,
“
,
,
,
.
A party of wags and
were lately dining
’
at D elmonico s when after the bo ttle had ma de its
tenth round o n e o f the company pr e posed this toast
To the man whose wife was never false t O him !
u pon which a wag O f an O l d bachelor jumped up a n d
said Gentle men as I am the only unmarried man at
this table I suppose that that toast was intended for
”
me
Zi ttér a te u
r s
,
,
,
”
,
,
,
.
Monsieur C harles N alo an eminent French trans
lator being employed o n an A m e rican work came to
the wor ds m oos e de e r ; he flew to his dictionary but
could find no such word a s m oos e but fin ding the word
hich had
m ou s e he conclu de d that that w
a s the wor d
been misprinted m oos e and so he tran s lated m oos e
’
de e r
great mice S i x feet high with antlers
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
w
,
,
.
,
A Frenchman having been but a short time in N ew
York w
a s invited to partake o f a large bowl O f
punch a liquor which he ha d never taste d before
The next day speaking o f his entertainment he aske d
Vat de call da t liqueur da t be all co ntr a di cti o n :
where is de brandy to m ake him strong a n d de water
to make him weak de sugar to make him sweet a n d
”
I suppo se yo u me a n
de lemon to make him so u r ?
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
T A B LE WIT
2 58
pleasure ; the second
repentance
AN D
of
,
ANE C D O T E S
intoxication
.
;
the third
of
,
.
A French officer demanding his salary fr m the
o
w
,
minister of war d e clared that he a s in danger o f dy
h o saw that his visa g e
ing o f hunger The minister w
was full and rud dy told him his face gave the lie t o
’
his statement
A h ! sir said the o ffi cer do n t trust
tha t — this face is no t mine i t belongs t o my landlord
”
h o has given me credit for a long time p ast
,
.
,
,
“
“
.
,
,
w
,
.
A vintner to whom Ben
Jonson
was indebted in
vi t e d him to dinner and to l d him if he would give
him an immediate answer to the following questions
he would forgive him his debt : What is G o d best
pleased with ; what is the devil best pleased wi t h ;
what is the world best pleased with and what am I
”
best pleased with ? Ben without the least hesitation
gave the following reply
,
,
,
,
,
,
b e s t pl e s d w
h e n m e f s k e th i s i n ;
T h de vi l s b e s t pl e s d wh e n t h y p e s i s t t h e e i ;
l l g o o dwi n e
o l ds b e s t pl as d w
h e n th o dos t
T he w
A nd yo
e b e s t pl as e d wh e n I do p a y fo r mi ne
G odi s
a e
’
e
r
n
,
a e
’
e
’
u r
or
e
e
e r
a
r
r
n
se
u
e
;
.
w
w
In a company where C ardinal P ole a s the con
as
versation turned o n a young man h o w
very
learne d but very noisy and turbulen t The cardinal
remarked t hat L earning in such young men is like
new wine in the vat ; but after it is put into a vessel
having gathered its strength together it settles a n di s
”
i ll
uiet
and
st
q
,
.
,
“
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
T
L ord
A B LE WIT
AND
ANE C DO T E s
2 59
.
C hesterfield complained very
much at an inn
here he dine d that the plates were dirty
The
aiter with a degree O f pertness ob served th a t
w
E very o n e must eat a p e e k o f dirt before he dies
That may be true said his lordship ; but n o o n e
”
is obliged t o eat it all at a meal
w
.
,
,
,
,
“
.
,
.
A n oble bibber w
a s one day asked which could drink
the most wine himself o r his brother— a go o d three
bottle man but also famous for t aking care Of his mo
ney
O h said his lordship
I have n o chance with
”
—
my bro ther he will drink any g i ve n amount
,
,
“
.
,
,
.
’
”
The author o f The P arson s D aughter when sur
pri s e d o n e evening in his arm chair two o r three hours
a f ter dinner is reported t o have apologized by saying
When o n e is alone the bo ttle doe s come round s o
Often
O n a similar occasion S i r H ercules L anguish
H ave you finished all that port
o n being asked
s
n
?
w
three
bottles
without
as
ista
ce
ans
ered
N
o
(
)
f
n o t quite that
I
had
the
assistance
o
a
bo
ttle
f
o
;
”
Madeira
“
,
-
,
,
,
“
”
.
,
,
“
,
”
“
,
,
.
A
i t w at
w
an entertainment where at first they
gave him excellent wine but after the fourth o r fi fth
glass some sour stu ff
These people sai d he I
suppose take me for a cannon which has to be w a sh e d
wi t h vinegar after every three or four rounds
as
,
,
”
“
.
“
,
,
,
,
.
w Opened an oyster shop as an
his oth er e s tablishment w
a s upbraide d
A tavern keeper
-
a
ppendag e
to
,
ho
-
,
T A B LE W IT
60
AN D
ANE C D O T E S
.
by a neighboring oyster monger as being ung e nerou s
and s e fi
A nd why not ? sai d he
would you n o t
l sh
have me s e tfi s h
-
“
“
.
-
In a comp any o f he n vi va nts as the to ast circulated
a delicate gentleman simpere d out M i r th a nd i nno
c e nce
The jolly do g whose sentiment followed gave
in a simil ar tone o f voice M i lk a nd w
a te r
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
A country bo oby bo asting
the numerous acres
he enj oye d Ben Jonson peevishly tol d him th at
Fo r every acre yo u have o f land I h ave an acre of
wit
The o ther filling his glass said My service
”
to you Mr Wi s e a cr e
of
,
,
”
“
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
The C retan philosopher D emonax w
a s asked if i t
”
a s all o wable for wise men t o drink wine
S urely
w
sai d he you canno t think that nature made grapes
”
only for fo ols
,
,
“
.
,
“
,
.
a s hiccoughing
an ale house w
a s he said both m e a t
o u t t h e praises o f porter which
and dr i nk H e shortly after tumbled into a ditch on
hich his companion observed it a s also l odg i ng a n d
w
A man reeling out
,
of
-
,
.
whi
as
,
ng
w
,
,
,
w
,
.
A la dy ten dere d a dish of fruit to a gentlem a n at
table with thi s compliment : S i r this is no t fo rbid
H e replie d Ma dam
de n fruit if you please t o e a t
by o ne Si gn infallibly it Shoul d be fo r I see it come s
just now from p aradise
“
,
,
”
,
.
,
,
.
.
,
T A B LE WIT
2 62
A friend asked
ANE C D O T E S
AN D
.
C r e bi l l o n
why he had introduced s o
”
much terror into his tragedies
I h a d no alternative
said he
C orneille has taken the heavens R acine the
earth and I had no thing left but the infernal regions
“
.
,
,
”
.
,
day dining with a gentleman
w
whose beer w better hopped than malted and when
the ho st asked the po et h w
he liked his beer b
La
L ande
on e
as
as
o
e r e
,
plied By the faith o f my bo dy it is very well hopp e d
but if it had hopp e d a little further it had hopp e d into
”
the water
,
,
.
—
r
c
fl
e
black
legs
we
e
at
a
o
e
room at E p
of
W ar
s o m during the races dining at the same time
ren H astings was taking his dinner A gentleman
present sai d in a l o vo ice What a wretched set is
”
”
here !
A nd yet replied H astings they are your
‘
A party
-
.
,
,
w
,
.
“
,
“
,
be tte r s
,
.
L ord Summerville in a party O f ladies
gentle
men propounded his plan for cultivating the waste s of
A frica when a witty o l d mai d present whispere d loud
enough to be heard th at she thou ght it a most nu
a i s ts remained u nim
c h aritable i dea while s o many w
proved at home
,
a nd
,
,
,
,
,
.
Three gentlemen going into a ho tel together o n e
sai d to the waiter Bring me a glas s o f brandy and
”
water I a m s o hot !
A no ther said Bring me some
”
gin and sugar ; I have just ha d a chi ll
The other
”
cr i ed o u t Bri n g me a r u m p u nch because I hike i t
,
,
-
,
,
-
,
-
.
“
,
-
,
.
T A B LE
WIT
ANEC D O T E S
AN D
2 63
.
during the early part o f his political career
once became terribly enraged at a tradesma n h o i n
s o l e n t l y urged the p ayment o f a bill and threatened
”
”
a s the reply
to kick him to hell
If y o u do
I will tell yo u r father ho you a r e spending his
money
Fo x ,
w
,
,
“
“
w
.
,
,
w
,
.
A p oor
it w
h w told
w
that his joke s had fur
”
n i s hed daily fo o d fo r conversation
Then said he
conv e rsation ha s thr ived better o n them than I
as
o
,
,
,
“
’
ha ve f
”
War s aid a n u gly Old woman is a ke e n r a vi s h
”
er
Faith r eplied a i t in a n underton e
he
mu st be if he meddle s with yo u
w
,
“
.
,
,
,
,
”
.
,
A
w w
w
obleman ho a s a bout t o marry a lady Of
gr eat fortune a s asked o n e day at dinner ho long
’
he thought honeymoo n would last and replied Do n t
”
talk o f honeymoon it is ha r ve s t m oon wi th me
n
w
,
,
,
,
,
-
,
A n a bstemious
.
obleman chiding o ne o f his work
men for inebriety Obse r ved It i s very O dd that all
go o d workmen are addicted t o drunkenness
Then
I p r e s u m e that your lordship i s
a n swer e d th e man
n o t a go o d workman
n
,
“
-
,
,
“
,
'
,
.
wfi i d t
m
T her w
T
o
e
”
en
s a
We l l
”
ne i th e r U nor I
,
ta bl e ,— o n e
aid rea di ng the paper
”
—
o n e Vow
el
a n hanged thi s mor ning
as a
l e t u s be tha nk fu l t h a t it as
s a id t he o th e r
'
.
s
,
,
w
.
“
,
T A B LE WIT
2 64
An
AND
E nglish
ANE C D O TE S
.
w
gentleman entertaining his friends i th
some excellent claret remarked that he sent a coupl e
and receive d in return a
o f hounds over to France
”
hogshead o f this wine
Then said o n e o f the com
pany it is dog che ap
,
,
,
“
.
,
“
.
,
A po or man
w
o nce asked what thr ee things he
woul d have if he could Obtain them by wishing
First said he I w
ould have as much fat bacon as
I could eat ; next I would have as much ale as I
”
could drink
P uzzled for a third Object of happiness
he at last sai d H an g it ! I will have a little more
as
.
,
“
,
,
,
.
,
“
,
ale
!
”
A man with eleven daughters was complaining to
a
Y o u must hus
friend that h e found it hard to live
”
band your time said the Other and then yo u will do
”
”
well enough
I could do much better
a s the r e
ply if I could husband my daughters
.
,
,
.
,
w
”
.
,
When C obbett kept a stationer s shop at P hi l a de l
phia and was writing under the n ame o f P eter P o r
cupine a youn g sub went to buy some quills and
thinking to pass a j oke u p on P e t er asked him if they
’
were no t P o rcupine s quills ? Upon which C obbett
’
taking up the red coat s money dryly replied making
at the same time a very profound bow O h i n o sir !
’
they are a go ose s
’
“
,
”
,
,
,
,
,
-
,
,
,
S ally ,
da y , t o
”
S a lly ?
,
said an amorous lover speaking the o ther
hi s intended
give me a kiss ; will you
”
No I
s a i d S a lly
h e lp y ou r s elf
,
,
“
,
,
.
.
T A B LE WIT
2 66
ANEC D O T E S
AN D
.
eplied his haughtiness I have no house in Great
G eorge street
O h ! I beg a thousan d par dons sir
said Mr R
I thought all the town belonged to
“
r
,
,
.
.
u
o
y
,
,
.
Washington w
a s visiting a lady in his neighbor
ho od and o n hi s leaving the house a little girl was
directed to open th e do or In passing the child he
said I am sorry my dear t o give yo u so much trou
”
bl e
I wish sir
she replied
it was t o let
yo u in
,
.
“
,
,
,
“
“
.
,
,
,
.
A gentleman lo okin g at his watch just after mid
n i g h t y r e m a r k e d,
u
o
y
go o dnight
It is to m o r r o
-
m
w
,
o r ni ng
I mu s t
bid
”
-
.
H o rne To oke being asked by George III W hether
.
,
he played at c a r ds replied
”
t ell a kin g from a knave
,
“
,
I canno t your Majesty
,
,
.
N ot
long since a person threw the head of a
goo se on t o the stage o f the Belleville theatre C o r tr u
ad
va n cm g t o the front said
Gentl emen if any
among yo u has lost his head do n o t be uneasy fo r
I will restor e it o n the conclusio n o f the perform
a nce
,
.
,
“
,
,
,
,
,
.
amiable enthusiast a worshipper o f natur e a fte r
the m a n n e r o f R ousseau being melted into feelings o f
u ni ver s al phi l anthropy by the softness and s erenity of
a s p r i ng morning res olve d that for that da
lea
t
t
a
s
y
An
,
,
,
,
t
,
,
T
A B L E WIT
AN E e DO T E s
AN D
2 67
.
no inj u red animal shoul d pollute his be a r d ; a n d hav
i n g reco rded his vo whe w alke d six miles to a hamlet
famous for fish dinners where wi thout a n idea Of
breaking hi s sentimental engagement he regaled him
self o n a small matter Of crimped c o d and oyster
This reminds o n e Of a harmless piece of q uiz
s a u ce
” —
Quarterly R eview
that although the
Z ing in the
P ythagorean Si r R ichard P hillips would n o t eat ani
mal fo o d he w
a s a ddicted t o gravy over his po tatoes
'
,
,
,
,
,
.
“
,
.
,
It w
a s suggested t o a distinguished g o u r m a nd W hat
’
a capital dish all fi n s (tu rbo ts fins ) might b e made
”
”
Ac
C apital ! said he di ne with me t o morro w
as
c e pte d
W ould yo u believe it ? when the cover w
removed the sacrilegious do g o f an amphitryon had
put into the dish C i ce r o de fi ni bns /
There is a
”
w
ork all fins said he
.
“
“
.
,
,
.
,
The voice if very stron g and sharp will crack a
drinking glass O n e evening at a party at the L ondo n
C o ffee house L udgate H ill Mr Broadhurst the well
k n own teno r by singin g a high no te caused a win e
glass o n the table t o break the bowl being separated
fro m the stem
,
,
-
.
,
-
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
Dr Franklin pleasantly observed that the only
animals created to drink water are those w
ho from
their con formatio n are able to lap it u p o n the fa c e
o f the earth
W her ea s all those ho can convey their
han ds t o their mouth were des t in e d t o e njoy the j u i ct
of the gr a pe
.
,
,
,
,
.
w
T A B LE WIT
2 68
AN D
ANEC D O T E S
.
’
of L or d Byron s O dd fancies was dining at all
sorts o f o u t o f the way places S omebo dy p e ppe d
upon him in a co ffee house in the S tran d where the
attraction was that he p aid a shilling to dine with his
”
hat on This he calle d hi s ha t ho u s e
O ne
-
-
-
.
-
,
,
-
.
.
Talleyrand being asked if a certain authoress whom
h o belonged rather to
he had long S ince known but w
”
a little tiresome
N o t at a l l
t h e last age was not
”
she is perfectly so
s aid he
,
,
.
,
,
“
.
,
is the touchston e o f go o d bree ding
There have been men since A bsalom ho have owed
their ruin t o a bad bo w
S aluta tion
,
,
w
-
.
.
A
If
bo
o
u
y
w(says L a Fontaine) is a no te drawn at sight
acknowled g e it
,
u
o
y
m u st pay the full amount
.
,
P erhaps the best retort upon a lie is to outwit it a s
G alba did when a courtier tol d him that he had
caught eels in S icily five feet long
That replied
is no wonder for there they are so long
th e emperor
that the fishermen use them for ropes
,
,
”
“
.
,
“
,
,
.
What the bo ttle tells (and it is generally a great
t el l ta le ) perhaps it is the duty o f friendship t o k eep
s ecret
Johnson is somewhat cyn ical upon the above maxim
o f the ancients
A man who is well warme d with
ine will speak truth
this he Observes may be
a n ar g ument fo r drinking if you suppose m e n in gene
,
-
,
.
w
.
”
“
,
,
“
,
T A B LE
WIT
ANEC D O T
AN D
E
S
.
with a s te e l the poet Mo ore to Whom this was tol d
by L ord S t r o ng fo r d observed
O h no thing is more
natural for a l i terary la dy than to double down a
I woul d rather re plie d his lord s hip a d
Jage
”
Jise L a dy C aroline to turn over a new leaf
,
,
,
”
“
“
.
,
,
.
C harles L
b said once t o a bro the r whist player
ho was a hand more clever than clean a n d who had
e n ough in him to a f
ford the joke : M if dirt were
trumps what hands you would hold !
w
am
-
,
,
“
.
,
,
K enn e t L ord Mayor of L ondon in the year 17 8 0
began l i fe as a waiter a n d his m anners never rose
above his original station When he was summo n e d
”
to be ex a m i ne d before P arliament o n the riots one
If you ring the bell K en
o f the members Observed
n e t will come o f course
O n being aske d why o n
the breaking out o f the rio t he did n o t send for the
os s e co m i ta t u s he r e pl i e d h e did no t know where the
p
fellow lived els e he would O n e morning at the A l
’
derman s C lub he was at a whist t a ble a n d Mr A l der
R ing
man P ugh a dealer in so ap was at his elbow
the bell so ap su ds sai d K ennet in his coarse way
’
replied P ugh you ve been
R ing it yourself ba r
twice as much u s ed to it as I have
,
,
,
,
.
,
“
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
-
.
,
,
“
,
,
”
-
.
,
,
,
”
,
“
,
,
”
.
A lady complaining ho wrapi dly time stole away
A las ! I am near thirty
ho was
S carron w
s ai d :
,
,
”
“
.
,
pre s ent and knew her a g e s a id : D O no t fret at it
ma dam fo r you will g et fu r ther from that frightful
e po ch every da y
,
,
,
”
.
,
T A B LE
W IT
ANEC D O T E S
AN D
.
L ord N orth whe n contemptuously alluded to by
,
”
Fo x as
That thing termed a minister replied
The
hono rable gentleman calls me a thi ng and (patting hi s
ample stomach) an unsh a pely thing I a m but when he
a dds tha t thi ng te r m e d a mi ni s te r h e calls me tha t
which he himself is mo st anxious t o become and
therefore I take it as a compliment
“
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
When L ord Bath was tol d of the determinatio n of
turning o u t P itt and let ting Fox remain in the mini s
try he sai d i t put him in mind of a story of the Gun
powder P lo t The L or d C hamberlain was sent to ex
amine the vaults under the P arliament H ouse a n d
returning wi th his report said H e had foun d fi ve
l tl i a t he had removed
a n d twenty barrels O f g ri n p o w
de r —
ten o f them and hoped the o ther fifteen would do n o
harm
,
,
.
,
“
,
-
-
,
.
Ma dame D a ci e r remarks that H omer makes n o men
tion of any boile d meats ; and in all the entertain
ments describe d by him (as in the dinner given by
b
A chilles in the ninth Ilia d) the p i f e dc r es i s ta nce o r
principal dish un doubtedly is a broil from which it
may be inferre d that the Greeks had n o t as yet dis
covere d the art o f m aking ve s sels to bear fire Thi s
discovery i s s u ppo se d to have reache d them from E g ypt
a n d they rapi dly turne d it to the best account ; fo r
the A thenians in particular seem to have as much ex
celle d the rest of Greece in gastronomy as the French
t he mo dern nation mo s t nearly resembling th em exce l
th e rest of E urope i n this respect
,
,
t
,
,
e
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
w
T A B LE
2 72
rr
AN D
ANE C D O TE S
.
Among the witty aph o risms upon an unsafe topi c
’
—
are L ord Al va nl e y s descripti o n of a man who mud;
,
,
’
t r a de s m e n s
dl e d away
his fortune in pa ying his
bills
’
L ord O xfo r ds definition o f timber as an excre s cenc e
o n the face of the earth place d there by P ro vi denc e
’
a n d P elham s argume n t
for the p ayment o f debt s
That it is respe c table to be a r r e s te d be ca u s e it show s
”
that the party once had cr e dit
“
,
,
,
“
,
.
H enderson the actor was sel dom known to be in
,
,
a
passion When at O xford he was o n e day debatin g
h o not kee p ing his temper
with a fellow stu dent w
’
threw a glass of wine in th e actor s face when H en
de r s o n to ok o u t his han dkerchief wi p ed his face and
co olly sai d That sir was a digre s si o n ; n o for th e
”
argument
.
,
-
,
,
,
,
w
,
,
,
,
.
’
Theodore H o o k e s C o de of C ard table Signals in hi s
clever nov e l o f G i lbe r t G u r ne y might b e very e ffect
nall y re duced t o practice
N ever says he l et m a n
There are always
a n d wife play together at whist
family telegraphs ; and if they fancy t heir lo oks a r e
watched they can always communicate by words I
foun do u t that I coul d never win of S mi n g s m a y a n dhi s
wife I mentioned this on e day and was answere d
’ ‘
’
‘
N 0 you never can win o f them
Why ? sai d I
’
’
‘
Because said my friend they have establishe da code
’
‘
’
‘
’ ‘
D ear me said I signals by lo oks ?
N o said he
‘
by words If Mrs S mi n g s m a y is to lea d S mi n g s m a y
D ear begin
dear begins with a d s o do dia
s ays
mon ds and out comes o n e from the la dy If he ha s
-
,
,
“
.
,
.
.
,
.
,
.
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
“
,
,
,
,
.
,
2 74
T
A B L E WIT
A nnc nor n s
AN D
.
w
Maurice Duke of H esse ; the rules of h i c h allowe d
a knight to drink seven be ca u se o r glasses 113 each
meal but only twice in the day I
,
,
,
only said but di d many witty t hings
O n the death of C harles X he drove through P ari s
for a couple of days wearing a white hat H e carried a
crape in his pocket When he passed through the Faux
bourg o f the C arlists the crape was instantly twi s ted
roun d his hat when he came into the quarter of the
Tuileries the crape was instantly slipt off and put
into his p o cket again
Ta lleyrand
not
.
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
It is n o t o nly ill breeding but a sign o f bad taste
t o be late
It may sound very fine to be called the
l a te M r S o a nd s e ; it is an easy mode of attracting
attention to draw] out an inquiry about the soups o f
the season as if you ha d never had the goo d fortune
to be present at a fir s t course ; but it is far from
pleasant to fi n d the woman you wish mo st to sit by
monopolize d a n d yourself p l a nte d bet w
een t he bor e
and the g ap as we once heard a lady de s cr i be he r p o
sitiou with Si r A
on her left and an uno ccupied
chair upon her right
The most unpunctual persons ever known were two
brothers celebrated time immemorial in the place
hol ding worl d The late L or d D u dley u s e d to say
o f them that if you aske d R obert for Wednes day at
s even y o u woul d h ave C harles on Thurs day at eight
-
,
,
.
-
-
.
,
,
’
,
,
.
.
,
.
,
.
,
A n illi terate person
,
w
h
o
always volunteered to
g
o
TA
w
BLE
rr
AN D
ANE C D O T E S
2 75
.
’
ound with the hat bu t was suspected of sparing hi s
fect r c
n pocket overhearing o nce a hint to that e f
ow
plied
O ther gentlemen puts down what they thinks
’
proper and s o do I C harity s a private concern and
”
what I give is nothi ng to nobody
r
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
young Americans travelling o n horseback
amo n g the White Mountains became inor dinately
thirsty and s te pp e d fo r mi lk at a house by the road
a s o ffered and
They emptied every basin that w
s i de
still wanted more The woman o f the house at length
brought an enormous bowl o f milk and set it down
O n e would think gentlemen
o n the table saying :
”
had
never
been
weaned
u
o
y
S ome
,
,
,
.
,
.
,
“
,
,
,
.
C oleridge relates
I have had a go o d deal to do
i th Jews in the course o f my life although I never
w
borrowe d any money o f them T he other day I was
what you call floor e d by a Jew H e passed me several
times crying out fo r o l d clothes in the most nasal a n d
extraordinary tone I ever heard A t last I was so
’
provoked that I said t o him : P ray why can t yo u
’
in a plain way as I do now
The
s ay
o l d clothes
Jew s t e pp e d and lo oking very gravely at me sai d i n
a cl ear and even fi n e accent : S i r I can say o l d
’
clo the s as well as yo u can but if you ha d to say so
ten times a minute for an hour together you would
’
‘
o h cl o
d
n
d
as
I
now
so
he
marche
s ay
o
a
d
o
f
f
g
;
a s so confoun ded with the justice o f his retort
I w
that I followed and gave him a shilling the only o ne
I ha d
,
.
.
,
.
,
“
,
,
,
,
,
“
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
T A BLE WIT
2 76
AN D
ANE C D O T E S
.
— a symbol o f
I sat in a co ach Oppo site a J e w
o l d clothes bags— a n Isaiah o f H olywell street
He
would close the win dow I Opene d it H e clo se d it
again upon which in a very solemn tone I sai d to
him
S o n of A braham thou s m e l l e s t son o f Isaac !
thou art o fi e n s i ve son o f Jacob ! thou s ti nk e s t foully
S e e the man in the moon ! he is hol ding his no se at
that distance dost thou think that I sitting here can
”
end u re it any longer ? My Jew was astoni s he d he
opened the w
in dow forthwith himself and said H e
was sorry he did no t know before I a s so great a
gentleman
O nce
-
.
.
,
,
‘
.
,
,
“
,
,
w
,
.
is characteri z ed by C oleridge as the soul of
C an anything beat
R abelais dwelling in a dry place
’
his remark o n K ing William s motto (R e c e pi t n o n
”
r a i ce t
that
the
receiver
was
as
bad
as
the
thief
?
p
)
S wift
,
.
,
,
“
,
A fter
clubs are not altogether so bad a thing
for family men They act as conductors to the s torm s
usually hovering in the air The man force d to r e
main at home and vent his cro ssness o n his wife and
children is a much worse animal to be with than the
ma n who grumbl e s his way to P all Mall and no t dar
i n g to swear at the club servants or kno ck about the
club fu r ni tu r e be co m e s socialize d into decency N o th
i ng like the subordination exercise d in a communi ty
o f equals fo r reducing a fiery temper
all
,
-
.
.
,
,
,
,
-
,
-
.
,
.
A sho emaker in P icca dilly
to astonish
the world had put up a motto from E uripi des over his
,
,
determined
TA
2 78
BLE WIT
A N D A N E C D O T Bs
.
remarked to Mrs S id dons that applau se
a s ne cessary t o actors as it gave them confi dence
”
More replied the actress it gives us breath
S ome
w
on e
.
.
,
”
,
A
.
,
being observed by a frien d who had
n o t seen him fo r a long time to be do wncast in his
countenance and very unlike himself was a sked
whether anything serious ha dbefallen him
N o thing
was his reply but I am quite an altered
o f that sort
”
character ; I have left o ff drinking
Indeed ! re
plied his frien d rather astoun de d a t the assertion
”
’
a n d since when ?
S ince two o clo ck this morn
’
”
a s the facetious reply the speaker s countenance
ing w
resuming its usual cast o f go o dhumor and mirth
hon
vi va n t
'
,
,
,
,
“
.
”
,
,
”
“
.
,
,
“
,
,
-
.
H obbs o nce said
a celebrated bo ok worm
If I
had read as many volumes as you have done I should
have been as ignorant as you are
to
“
-
,
.
The pl ea s ures of the table h ave never been i n co m
patible with the gifts of genius or the investigations
o f the un derstanding
I canno t conceive says Dr
Johnson the folly of those who when at table think
o f every thing but eating ; fo r m y part w h en I am
there I think of no thing else a n dw
hoso ever do es n o t
trouble himself with this important a ffair a t dinner o r
supper will do n o go o d at any o ther time
,
”
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
L a dy Bles s ingto n remarks hat people who we a r
,
creaking shoes or boo ts are precisely those
mo s t a ddi cted t o locomo tion
.
h
w
o
ar e
T A BL E WIT
An
AND
E nglish
AN E C D O T E s
2 79
.
gentleman wanting a dessert ser vice of
po r celain ma de after a p articular pattern sent over
to C hina a specimen dish o rdering that it should be
exactly copie d for the whole service It unfortunate
l y happened tha t in the dish so sent over the C hinese
manufacturer discovered a crack the consequence
a s that the entire service sent over t o the party o r
dering it had a crack in each article carefully copied
after the original
-
,
,
,
.
w
-
,
,
.
H o oke de dicated th e first volume
of
his R oman
H istory to P ope which he said was like hanging
o u t a si gn with a great flourish at the bottom o f it t o
catch the traveller as he go es by
“
,
,
,
,
”
.
O l d D ick
B aldwin stoutly maintained that no man
”
ever died of drinking
S ome puny things he sai d
have died learning to drink but no m a n ever die d
o f drinking
N o wB was no mean authori t y for he
s poke from great practical experience a n d was mor e
’
over many years treasurer o f S t Bartholomew s hos
pital
.
,
,
“
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
.
.
Mr Bentham has thus formally refuted the commo n
fa l l a c v as to the cruelty o f skinning live eel s
N o eel
is used to be skinne d successi vely by several persons
bu t one a n d the same per s on is use d succes s ively to
s k in several eel s
.
.
o gentl emen in the theatre lobb y
The meeting of t w
i s a h a ppy illustration of the confusion a similarity o f
dr e s s o ccasions
C oming from di fferent points each
.
,
T A BLE WIT
2 80
AND
AN E C D O T E s
.
in a great hurry o n e ad dressed the o t ne r with P ray
are you the box keeper ?
N o replied the o ther
”
are you ?
,
,
”
-
,
”
,
,
The French a very sober people have a proverb
,
,
Q n i l fa u t,
S
’
e ni vr e r
a cha g u e
an
m oi n s
w
mo
u ne
,
f
oi s
which has been improve d by some on this si de o f the
water into an excuse for getting drunk every da y in
the week for fear that th e specific da y shoul dbe mi s se d
It woul d however startle some sober persons to fi n d
this que s tion ma de a grave argument yet
whether
”
i t is no t healthful to be drunk once in a mon th i s
treated o f by Dr C arr in his letters to D e Quincey
,
,
.
,
,
,
“
,
,
.
.
L ord Bolingbroke shrewdly no tes
I have ob
served that in come dy the best actor plays the part
o f the droll while some scrub is made the hero o r fine
gentleman S o i n this farce of life wise men p ass
”
their time in mirth whilst fo ols only are serious
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
N othing is a courtesy unless it be meant for us and
tha t frien dly a n d lovingly
We o w
e
no thanks to
rivers that they carry our boats o r winds that they
be nourishing ; for these are what they are n e ce s
sarily H orses carry us ; trees shade us ; but they
—
kno w it n o t B e n Jo ns on
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
.
S heri dan h a d
a Bar dolph countenance with heav y
features but his eye p ossesse d the most distingui she d
brilliancy Mathews said i t a s very simple in T o m
.
,
w
T A BLE
2 82
WIT
w accounted a point
A NE e D O T E s
AN D
of
.
hospitality that the guests
in the kitchen should be made as drunk as their mas
ters in the dining h all
as
,
-
.
Ude when in P aris had fallen in love and matters
were nearly brough t to matrimony P revious to this
conclusion U de however pru dently made a calcula
ti o n (he was an excellent steward) o f the expenses o f
’
marrie d life and i n the estimate set down Madame s
expen di ture at so many louis N e wU de customarily
conve y ed his billets in an envelope o f pate s and he i n
’
t e n de d to shrou d his o ffer in a pat e dA m a n de but
u nfortunately in the confusion of love and cookery the
e s ti m ate o f hou s e keeping was sent instea d of the pro
posal The next da y Ude was apprise d o f his mistake
by a l etter from his mi s tress stating the high estima
tion I n which she held M Ude but that as
louis
were to o small an allowance for a woman of fashion
she must decline the hono r o f becoming Ma dame Ude
The sto ry go t win d a n d by a sort of l ns ns a no n
’
as
l u e e ndo analogy the name o f P a t é dA m a n de w
’
chan ged into P a t é dA m o u r
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
-
.
,
.
,
.
,
,
.
The C ount A ltamira a splendid little man four feet
two inches high coul d bo ast o f the title o f P rince
wi t h three duke doms although he used the ancient
title as the chi efest hono r H e would never bow his
n eck to th e yoke of N apoleon ; and he it was who
ma de the app r opriate reply to Wittol C harles IV
hen he said C ousin what a little fellow you are I
w
Yes sire but in my o wn house I am a gr eat o n e
,
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
“
,
.
TA
C
BL E WIT
AN D
ANEC D O T E S
2 83
.
mbac e res second consul under the French repub
l ic and arch chancellor under the empire having o ne
da y been de tained in consultation with N a poleo n be
yo nd the appointed hour o f dinner begged par do n fo r
as it was absolutely nec
s uspending the conference
essary for h i m to dispatch a special messenger i m
mediately then seizing a pen he ro te this billet to
—
his co ok :
S auve z les entremets les e n t r e e s sont
p erdues
a
,
-
,
,
,
,
w
,
.
A p atrio tic Frenchman has observed : I regard the
“
discovery
of
a dish as a far more interesting event
than the discovery o f a star for we have alw ays stars
enough but can never have to o many dishes ; and I
sh a ll no t regard the sciences as su ffic i ently honored
o r represented among us until I see a co ok in the first
”
class o f the Institute
,
,
,
,
.
A lexander N ewell D ean
of
St
’
P aul s and Master
o f Westminster S cho ol in the reign o f Queen Mary
was a n excellent angler
But says Fuller whilst
N ewell a s catching o f fishes Bishop Bonner w
as
catching o f N ewell and wo u ld certainly h ave sent
hi m to the sh ambles had no t a go o d L ondo n mercha n t
conveyed him away upon the seas N ewell a s fi s h
ing upon the banks o f the Thames wh e n he received
the fir s t intimation o f his danger which w
a s so press
ing that he dare not go back to his o w
n house to
make any preparation fo r his flight L ike an hone s t
angler he had taken with him provision for the day
’
a n d when in the first year o f E ngland s deliveranc e
,
.
,
,
w
,
.
-
,
,
,
,
w
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
T A BLE W IT
2 84
ANE C D O T E S
AN D
‘
.
he retur n ed to his coun try a n d his o w
n haunts he r e
membered that o n the day of his flight he h a d l eft a
bo t tle of beer in a safe place o n the bank : there he
lo oke d for it a n d foun d it no bo ttle but a gun
such the soun d a t the opening thereof a n d this (says
Fuller) is believed (casualty is mo ther o f mo re i n ve n
tio n than industry) the original o f bo ttled ale in
”
E ngland
,
,
,
,
“
,
,
.
o r thy
Mrs M o l e s w
who was the daughter o f the
R ight H onor a ble L ord M o l e s w
o r thy o f Ireland was
a fine wit and po etess in her day which was ab out the
time o f Milton S he was quite as free in some of her
j okes as some of o u r mo dern strong minde d women
The following epigram on a gallant lady is hers
‘
.
,
,
,
,
.
-
.
O
’
e r
He
th i s m a r
bl
h e s fa i r
re
All m nk i
a
An d s h e
nd
e
dr o
p
a
R o s l i n de
a
w pl
as
wi th
e as e
te
ar
;
d
wi th h
,
e r,
”
m a nk i n d
a ll
In a po em entitled R unaway L ove she makes Venus
o ffer the following extraordinary reward for the a ppr e
h e n s i o n o f her son C upid
,
,
fi
A n d h e th a t
T he
s
wt
n ds
t h e bo y
s h al
lh
a ve
k i s s I e v e r g ve ;
th a t b r i n g s h i m t o m y a r m s
e e
Bu t he
e s
t
S h al l m as t e r be
a
o f al l
my
ch a r m s
,
”
.
a literary p arty at S trawb erry H ill 12 th S e p
t ember 1 7 3 4 Mr W alpol e remarked that at a certain
er
t ime o f their lives men o f genius seem to b e i n flo w
At
,
,
,
.
.
,
.
T A BLE
2 86
A N E C DO T E s
AN D
e
.
go t entangled in the legs o f tho s e w
h o sat beside h i m
”
”
S i r said an offi cer fi e rcely your sword annoys me
Very likely s i r s aid the gasco n co olly I believe
it ha s annoyed a go o d many
.
“
,
,
.
,
”
,
,
,
,
”
.
w
The Duchess D owag er o f Bolton h o was a na t u ral
daughter o f the Duke o f Monmouth used to divert
G eorge I by a ffecting to make blunders O nce when
’
she had been at the play o f L ove s L ast Shift she
’
”
called it L a de r ni e r che mi s e ole l Amou r
,
,
.
.
”
“
,
“
.
,
A t ano ther time she pretended
come t o court in a
great fright and the king asking the cause she said
’
she had been at Mr W hi s t o n s who tol d her the world
wo u l d be burnt up in three y ears and fo r her part
she a s determined to go t o C hi n a
to
,
,
.
,
w
,
,
,
.
The Abbe R egnier secretary o f the French A cademy
w
a s collecting in his hat from each member a contri
bu ti o n for a certain purpose
The presi dent R o ses
o n e o f the forty was a great miser but h a d p aid his
quota which the A bbe n o t p e r ce i vm g he presented th e
hat a secon d time R o ses as was t o be expected said
he h a d already paid
I believe it answered R e g
”
”
A n d I added Fo n
nier though I did no t see it
ho
I s a it bu t I do n o t
t e ne l l e w
a s b e s i d e him
b eliev e it
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
“
.
,
“
“
,
.
,
w
w
.
“
,
.
,
,
”
.
C ardinal
Berm s when on l y a n Abbe solicited
C ar dinal Fle u r y the n four score fo r some p refe r ment
Fl e u r y t, o ld hi m fa ir l y he s hou ld ne ve r h a ve a nythi ng
de
,
,
-
,
.
,
,
T A B LE
W IT
ANEC D O T E S
AN D
.
if ons e i g ne u r
J
in his time Bernis replied
”
My lord I shall wait
.
j
’
a
tte ndr e r
,
“
.
,
Francis I was o n e day playing at ten pins when a
monk who was playing o n his side by a successful
’
stroke insured the victory to the kin g s party
Well
”
done ! said the king
a brave stroke for a monk
your majesty can make it
S ire replied the mo nk
the blow of an Abb e when you please
S o o n after
wards the A bbaye of Bo u r m a z e n became vacant and
the king gave it to him
-
.
,
,
,
.
“
,
,
.
,
.
An advo cate
the king in pleading used to put
his arms in such a positio n that he seemed to be level
ling them at the court The president a man of hu
mor tire d o f this eternal gesture said to him o n e day
R aise your piece a little sire ; y o u will hurt some
of
,
,
_
.
,
,
,
,
“
,
’
bo dy f
of
O ctober , 16 09, the
,
,
dau g hter o f the
C ount de C r e q u i aged nine was married t o the Mar
quis dc R oh an the son of the Duke de S ully The
minis ter Dumoulin seein g the bride appro ach said
”
D o you p resent this child to be b aptized ?
O n t he 18 th
.
,
,
,
,
,
When Fox came last into power he was o n e da y
Why
ta lking t o Mr S heri dan about new taxes
that is no t my department all I
s aid Mr S heridan
think is that we shoul d be careful no t to meddle with
”
a ny that reach ourse l r e s
A ye ! rejoined Mr Fo x
”
w
hat then think yo u o f o n e o n r e ce i p ts l
,
“
.
.
.
,
,
,
“
.
”
.
,
TA
2 88
BLE WIT
ANE C D O T E S
AN D
.
w
The Abb é de l a R iviere a s pra i s i n g very highly
’
the D u e d O r l e a n s the uncle o f L ouis XII in the
presence o f hi s daughter A mong o ther things he
said H e was a very wise and pious prince a n d a
”
”
man o f great w
True replied Ma demoiselle
o r th
’
d O r l e a ns
you ought to know bett e r than any o n e
”
for you have sold him often enough
,
.
,
.
,
“
,
,
“
.
,
,
,
.
L ouis XII one day lo oking at himself in his mir
.
ror was astonished to see a number o f grey h airs o n
”
his head
A h ! said he these must be owi n g to
the long speeches I have listened to and it is tho se
le
of M
in particular that have ruined my
hair
,
“
“
.
,
,
.
M Bossuet Bishop o f Meaux at eight years o f age
reached
a
sermo
n
at
the
H
o
tel
de
ambouillet
It
R
p
was nearly midnight when he close d and Voiture w
ho
was present sai d as he r o se to go I have never
”
—
heard a sermon so early o r s o late
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
’
Bantin in presentin g a poet to M dH e me r y said
S i r I presen t yo u a p erso n h o can give yo u imm e r
tality but you must give hi m somethin g to live upo n
meanwhile
w
,
,
.
,
,
.
A ug ustus N icholas die dj ust at the time when a poll
tax
hi s
w abo
t to b e levied and the wits who knew
avaricious disp osition said he died t o avoid it a n d
as
u
,
,
,
,
T A BLE WIT
2 90
AN D
A N E C D O TE s
:
preached a t fRou e n the tradesmen forso ok their shop s
lawyer s their clien ts physicians their sick but whe n
I pre a che d the following year I set all t o rights e ve r y
,
,
,
,
m a n m i nde d hi s
S cipio
o
wb
,
u s i ne s s
n
Na s i ca the cousin
,
”
.
of
the great S cipio call e d
o n e day o n E nnius the po et whose servant
though
hi s
(
a s at home denie d him
master w
o
on
after
nnius
S
E
)
retur ned the visit and was told by S cipio himself that
he a s n o t at home
N ay said E nnius I know
”
u
o
are I hear your vo ice
Y o u are a fine fellow
y
indeed ” replied S cipio
When I called the o ther
da y o n y o u I believed the maid w
ho told me you were
n o t at home and now
u will no t believe m e althou h
o
y
g
”
o
h
a
ve m y o n w
u
or dfo r i t
y
,
,
,
,
.
w
,
“
“
.
,
,
.
,
.
.
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
s
w
,
.
The learned professor and principal o f the A c adem y
o f S aumur used t o spen d five ho u rs every morning in
his study but was very punctual at dinner O n e day
o n hi s no t appearing precisely at the dinner hour his
wife entered his stu dy and foun dhim still reading
I
wish sai d the l a dy that I were a book
Why so ?
replied the professo r
B ecause yo u woul d then be
”
consta nt t o me
I should have n o obj ecti on r e
j oined the professor provided yo u were a n alma
”
”
B e ca u s e I
Why an almanac my dear ?
na e
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
.
”
”
“
.
,
,
“
.
”
“
.
,
“
,
“
“
.
s
ho u l d the n ha ve
In
g
r e at
a
ne
w
,
one e ve r
.
y
ar
e
y
.
times o f Dio g enes an infamous char acte r o f
i nte l l e c t u al no te had the following ins cr i ptio n
th e
,
,
,
T
A B LE
WIT
ANEC DO TES
AN D
2 91
.
written above his doo r
L et n othin g bad enter thi s
”
do o r
A nd where said Dio g ene s shall the mas
’
t e r o f the ho use enter ?
.
”
“
,
,
.
Joshua B arnes the famous p r ofessor o f Greek at
C ambridge was remarkable for a very extensive m e m
t
u
m
e
n
d
f
o
but
also
for
the
weakness
his
r
; and
o y
j g
when he died the wits wro te
,
,
,
,
,
j
H ie
ac e
t
Jos hu
a
B ar n e s
,
Fe l i c i s s i m ae m e m o r i ae ,
”
E xp e ct a n s u dici u m
j
.
H ere lie s Joshu a B arnes
w
a i ti ng for j u dg me n t
of
h ap py
mo st
memory
,
5
.
The Marquis de l C arpio a g randee o f Spain w
as
h o presented
o nce giving the holy water t o a lady
him a skinny ugly hand o rnamen ted with a costly
diamo n d and he said loud enough to be heard Q ni s
I had rathe r
i e r a m a s l a s or ti j a g ne la m a no i e
”
have the ring than the hand
The lady taking hol d
i nstantly o f the golde n collar o f his order said E g o cl
e
A nd I the halter rather
ca be s tr o g u e cl a s no : i
”
than the ass
,
,
w
,
,
,
,
,
“
.
.
,
.
,
,
,
“
.
.
,
,
.
h w made p
w
f this century w a m
w therefore expected
M r P ye
at the begin
as
ning o
a n o f great learning and
much a s
of him H is fir s t o de
’
a s o n the k i ng s bi r th and it was distinguished fo r
w
n o t hing but i ts fre q uent allusions to vo ca l
r o ve s and
g
.
,
o
as
oe
t l au
r e a te
,
,
,
.
T A BLE WIT
2 92
choi r
A N D A NE O D O T E s
.
George S tevens a facetiou s
r e ad it and immediately exclaimed
.
,
it
w
,
Wh e n
w
th e P y e
as
Ope ne
d
T he bi r ds be g a n to s i ng !
’
An d as n t t ha t a da i n t dis h
w
To
b e for e
t
se
y
.
a
ki ng
w
as
Que e n Margaret o f Fran ce wife o f H enry IV
provoked by o n e o f many beggars t o s a y P a u p e r u bi
”
n the men
the
po
or
lie
everywhere
!
whe
u e j a ce t
q
di ca n t t o her s u rp r ise exclaimed
,
,
,
,
,
Si
f
or e
t hoe ve r
Q
T hy be d th e n ,
If i t
we r e
which
To
tr u
t he
e
)
u
u e e n
“
m, P a u p e r
! thi s
poo
T he
r
’
—
J
u bi qu e fa ce t
gh t I s h o u l d li e
he r e !
l i e e ve r y w
ni
th e r e ,
”
Queen r e torted
C a r ce r i s i n te ne br i s p lor a n s ha c n octe
‘
S i for e t hoc ve r u m, P a u p e r u bi q u e
j a ce r e s ,
mk
Ap
da r k ! t hi s
r i s on
If i t
we r e
tr u
e
“
,
ni
T he
l
gh t
p oo
ee
r
y o u s h ou d l i e t h e
”
li e e ve r
he r e
yw
re
, n
,
.
w
When D ante a s at the C ourt o f II S i gnore dell a
S cala the sovereign o f Verona the prince said to him
I wonder Signo r Dante that a man s o
o ne day :
learned as yo u are should be hate d by all my court
”
p ointing to his favo rite bu flo o n who
a n d this fool
sto o d by him shoul d be by all bel oved
D ante re
plied
You r E xce ll e ncy w
ou l d w
onde r le s s
u
o
if y
,
,
“
,
,
,
,
,
~
,
“
s
i de r e d tha t
se
l ve s
”
.
wli k
e
e
thos e be s t
w
h
o
,
mo s t
r es e
m ble
ou r
l REAMBLES AND RESOLUTIONS
’
.
A P RE
is si mply an int i o l u e t i o n to a resolu
tion o r to a set o f 1 c s o l u ti o ns and 1s i ntended t o give
reasons hy they s hould b e o ffered
,
AM B L E
w
,
.
The Opening clause o f the D eclaration o f In de p e n
dence o f the United S tates partakes o f t he nature o f a
r e a m bl e
a n d is as follows
p
When in the course o f hu m a n events it becomes
nece s sary for o ne people to dissolve the political ban ds
w hich have connecte d them wi th another and to a s
sume among t he powers o f the earth the separate a n d
’
equal station to which the laws of n a t ure a n dof nature s
G o d entitle them a decent re s pect to the Opinions o f
mankind requires that they shoul d declare the causes
which impel them to the separatio n
,
“
,
,
,
,
.
The above si m ple a n d brief statement o f the reason
why the de cl a r a ti on which follows i t is ma de is a mo d
e l p r e a m ble i n consequence of i ts br e vi ty and s i mp l i c
i ty
and the de cl a r a ti on i tself partakes o f the nature
,
2
(
94)
P RE AM BL E S A N D
intent o f a series
in dependence
a nd
of
of r
RE S OL UTI ONS
2 95
.
esolutions justifying the
,
a ct
.
‘
a
should be as brief statement as is pos
s ible o f the character and pro p riety o f the r esolutio n s
to which it is an intro ductio n
A pr
ea
mble
.
There is o n record an amusing history o f the man
ner in which o u r pious N ew E ngland fathe r s justified
their seizure o f all the lands o f the natives o f the
country which they accomplished by preamble and
resolutions in something like the following form
’
‘
Whe r e a s The earth is the L ord s and the ful nes s
’
thereof
1s t It i s R e s ol ve d That this land belongs t o the
L ord
’
e are the L ord s people
2 d R e s ol ve d That w
3 d Therefore R e s ol ve d That thi s land belon g s t o
,
,
,
“
,
,
.
,
,
An d they
.
,
,
to ok it
,
.
P reambles and resolutions are sometimes introduced
w
ith great e ffect o n convivial o ccasions t o giv e a
s ort of mock dignity and importance t o so me com mo n
event and may be made a source o f a great deal o f
,
,
,
,
2
96
P R E A M BL E S
AN D
RE S OL UTI ON S
.
musement A N e w
Y o rk gentleman who was abo u t
a s to
starting fo r the ci ty o f Wa s hingt o n wh e r e he w
be married gave a supp e r to hi s bachelor frien ds a t
which after the party was considerably warme d with
cham p agn e the followin g preambl e a n d res olution s
were introdu ced as a c o ncluding a ct o f a n e venin g o f
merriment
Whe r e a s Marriage ha s be en held in the highest e s
teem by all r e fined and civilized nations a n d has the
s anction o f divine c o mman d as the only authorize d
—
means o f multiplying and replenishing the ea r th
and
Whe r e a s O u r worthy and ob e di e nt h o st m o ve d with
a sincer e and pi ous de sire t o obey this c o mm an d to t he
utm o st of his distinguish e d ability has res o lved to e u
ter at onc e upo n the ardu o us and r esp o nsible duties of
matrim o ny
ther e fo re
R e s ol ve d That this meeti n g t en der to hi m co ng r a tu
l a ti o n s and expres s its high sense of the fidelity a n d
ability with whi ch he will pros e cute his lau dable u n
a
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
-
,
,
,
de r t a k i n g
R e s o l ve d,
.
That a commi tt e e o f nineteen be appointe d
t o accompany him o n his j ourney as fa r a s the city o f
Baltimore to s upp o rt comfort a i d and enco u ra g e h m
and thereby keep him from faltering in his matrimo n i
a l intentions
R e s o l ve d That we generously allow o u r w o rthy hos t
to pay all the expenses o f sai d committ e e
,
,
,
i
,
,
.
,
.
At
convivial p arty of j o u r neymen tailors the
a s concluded with th e fo llowin g p r eamble
n i ng w
resolutions
a
,
e ve
and
2
PREA MB LE S
98
AN D
R E S O I Ur i oN s
.
The preambl e and resoluti ons i r ay be m ade to con
vey the most terrible rebuke to ra s cality a n d hyp o cr i
an instance o f which Occurred some time ago in
sy
a small villa g e about thirty miles di stant from the me
A man who ha d been a l l his life a gambler
t r o p ol i s
o f the most scandal ous descri ptio n a n d who brought
”
u p his daughters in a
free love club and from thei r
childhoo d familiarized the m to the society o f black
legs and li centiou s adventurers was rebu ked by the i n
illager s in the follow i ng manner
di g n a n t v
‘
,
.
,
,
,
-
,
.
'
,
Whe r e a s All such practices as gambling and the man
,
obscene and indecent wares are o pposed
to the best interests of so ciety and c a nn Ot exist ith
o u t more o r less destroying the fou n dations o f moral
i ty and religion
and
’
Whe r e a s It is every man s duty to protect society
from all s u ch asso ciations as have a tendency to co r
r upt go o d manners and go o d mor als
R e s ol ve d That the man ho o ffen ds a gainst society
by the practice of s uch aggravate d a n d indecent vices
forfeits all claim to the respectful notice o f decent and
u pri ght p eople
R e s o l ve d That no man can familiarly asso ciate with
gamblers bl a ck legs an d venders o f obscene arti cles
without subj ecting himself to t he r u s p i ci o n o f co nn i v
i
s
at
these
monstrous
and
di
gusting
v
ces
i ng
R e s o l ve d That young women who are brought up in
”
fre e love
s u ch licentious and abomi nabl e s o Ji e ty as
club s and w
h o asso ciate from their infancy with the
mo s t impure a n d abandoned O f men and women a r e
u
fa c tu r i n g
of
w
'
,
-
,
w
,
.
,
-
,
,
,
‘
.
,
,
,
PREA MB LE S
AND
RE S OLU TI ON S
2 9
9
.
nfi t a n d dangerous asso ciates for the sons a nd da u g h
ters o f r espectable and well conducted families
Re s o lve d That any man h o would open t h e do or s
o i respectable families t o such l o o s e m m de d an d co r
r u p t i n g a s s o ci a t i o n s
is a fo e t o the well being a n d
virtuous manners o f refined so ciety and deserves t o
be regarded with suspicion and dread by all prudent
a n d right minded parents
R e s o lve d That it is neither p r e s cr i pti o n n 0 1 p e r s e c u
tio n to refuse the or dinary intercourse o f respectabl e
so cial life to tho se ho disr egar d the sacred rules o f
decency morality a nd religio n
u
-
w
,
.
'
-
,
,
-
.
,
w
,
.
,
’
W e scarcely ne ed add that the a bo ve pr e a mbl e a n d
r e solutions had the desired e ffect upo n the obnoxio u s
fa mily and completely b anished it from every avenu e
o f pr u de nt a n d respectable so cial intercourse
The remedy was a truly severe o n e and o n e that
c oul d n o t be approved by the ch a ritably dispos e d e x
c ept under circumstances where the gre atest alarm
w
a s felt fo r the go o d manners and p u re moral s o f t he
y ou ng o f both sexe s
'
‘
,
'
.
,
,
‘
.
DUTIE S OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEE TING
ELEC TI ON
,
OR
APPO I N TMENT
.
.
this o ffi ce r o f co u r s e depend mai nly the orde r
e ffi ciency o f a meeting It is t o o m u ch the
a nd the
cus t om t o confer the o ffi ce a s a sort o f compliment a s
A n d a s rank a n d the
a mark o f respect t o the man
possession o r reputed possession of wealth are held
in respect s o some o n e o f the persons present more
distinguishe d than t he rest by a quality o f this kind
i s usually selected A reputation fo r learni n g o r for
talent comes in fo r its share o f consideration ; a n d
and gentlemanly deportment and
r ipeness o f ye a rs
cond u ct have their weight
A ll this is very wel l
Men do lo ok will lo ok and in dee d o u ght to lo o k
among the possessors o f these distinguishing charac
t e r i s t i cs for their lea ders their representatives and
their presidents A nd if t hey find in o n e o f these
po ssessor s the qualitie s which fit a man for the o ffi c e
in ques tion they will act wisely in selecting him
1
.
ON
,
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
.
.
,
To
co nfine ourselves however
m a n for the o fi i ce o f chairman o f a
deba te is t o be held
2
.
,
,
(300)
,
the selectio n o f a
me e ti ng i n whi ch a
to
8 02
D
U TI E S O F
O F A M EE TI N G
C H A IR MA N
.
into no thing when the m a n is placed i n a situation fo r
which h e is no t and for which he a n d every person
present fe el that he is no t fitted Whilst o n the
contrary the fitting man al though devoi d Of all exter
n a l ai ds of person a nd of fortune witho u t reputation
fo r talents o r for learning but having a knowl e dge
o f the duties o f the business o f the o f
fi ce ; having a
min d clear n ot liable to be disturbe d ; a man thus
self po ssessed with appearances and prepossessions
against him will often disperse a n d emerge from the
di fficulties and make the assemblage for get the m a n
in the dignity a n d th e importance of the o ffice
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
‘
'
,
,
,
-
,
,
,
.
7
S uch
entire fitn e s s fo r the O ffice o f ch air ma n is no t
i t must be confessed often to be foun d H owever in
every ass e mblage o f o u r countrymen we may find some
o f th ese qualities some o f the s e mental qualificati ons
A nd if we fi n d them in a man respectable for his years
and his perso nal appearance let them be preferred ;
’
if with these w
find Wealth ho n orably inh e rite d o r
e
acquire d an d liberally enj oye d still better ; a n dla s t
l y if I n a ddition to all th e se excell e nt qualific atio ns
we can fi n dfor our cha i rman a man in the enjoyment
o f a high statio n I n so ciety then shall we have every
reasonabl e security for the pleasant the Orderl y a n d
the e fficient con du ct o f a meeting Whilst on t h e
co ntrary when a man is thrust into the O ffice ju s t to
s u bs or ve the views o f an o ffi ci o u s in dividu al O r party
with out any n a tural o r acquire d person a l fi tne ss for it
—his incapacity st a n ds in need of so m an y a dvisers
many t i nt e e r their aid ; he g ets so ma n y parti cipa
.
,
.
,
,
“
‘
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
"
,
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
'
ELE C T I ON
,
or. A
PPO I N T MENT
3 03
.
tors in his O ffice ; petty a nd self appoi nted ch air me n
spring up in e very quarter of the m e eting which so on
instead o f becoming an orderly assemblage dege n er
ates into a disorga nize d m o b and Would after wrang
li n g and quarrelling disperse as such Were it no t fo r
the determined pe r s e verance o f some few energeti c
me n
h o may take the i mbecile chairman into thei r
hands and by poking hi m about through o n e step
after ano ther get through the business of the meeting
t
wi th o r without the k nowle dge o r the concurrence o f
the greater p art o f the perso n s present
,
,
,
,
,
,
w
,
,
,
,
.
catastrophes o f thi s kin d and to O btain at
’
l east so me o f t h e satisfactory results and a ttendan t
circ u mstanc e s o f an O rde r ly and well conducte d m e et
ing let every man o n his fi rst entran ce into it and
u ntil
the ch airman be appo inted cast about him
and be prepared instan tly to name the mo s t suitable
person in h i s estimation fo r the o ffi ce T hus will
each man be prepar e d to do his du ty o n this pr e l i mi
n ary and important point
t
hus
prepared
each
B eing
indivi dual may wait until the l apse of the moment
when the app o intment is to take place Then o f co u r s e
s ome
s
er
o n ought to propose a chairman o r i f t he r e
p
be some su fficient reason for deferring such propo sitio n
for a short time i t Will be a n a ct o f ac ceptable ki nd
n ess on the pa i t of any gentleman in an au dible vo ic e
to a dd1 e s s a few wor ds to the assemblage stating i n
his opinion such reason and proposin g in distinct
terms no t an in definite time no t a fe w
no r
m i ni te s
”
te n m i nu te s Or a
u
r
a
t
e
r
o a n ho u r
bu t a definite
q
f
8 To
.
a vo 1d
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'
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\
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“
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,
304
D
UT I E S O F C HA I R M A N
or
A
M EE TI N G
.
time : so that the persons present may know e xactly
their time may know the moment to which the busi
ness o f th e meeting is a djourne d and not be left at
the mercy o f any tricky party who might mo u l d the
meeting to almost any shape o r purpose by taking a d
vantage o f an i n defini te a dj o u r me n t whi ch is in fact
and ought al w
ays t o be regarded as a breaking up o r
di ssolution o f the meeting
,
,
,
,
,
.
9 The moment fo r business having a r r i ve d the momen t
.
,
fo r
the appointment of a chairman some o n e o f the
meeting n ames a gentleman for the o fi i ce L et not
this disconcert any man It is the moment o n which
the order and respectability o f the meeting depend
more than o n any o ther and let each man w
h o is a
l over o f order be prepared to do his duty
If he be
t h e man o n whom y o u have fixed second the nomina
t ion with all decent expe dition but if no t if you think
al
o
u
have
set
your
eye
n
a
mo
re
eligible
man
just
o
y
low time and no t an instant longer than is requisite
just allo wtime for such a seconding and then he th
er the first nomination be seconde d or n o t i n as firm
a voice as y o u are master o f nominate the gentleman
whom yo u have chosen
,
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,
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w
,
,
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10
.
L et it n ot b e imagined that such a nomination of a
econ d a third a fourth o r a fifth gentleman for this
o ffice i s any mark o f disrespect towards any o n e I
may n o t know the gentleman or gentlemen alrea dy
n ominated
o r knowing may know nothing o f his o r
o f their fitnes s fo r th e o f
fi c e ; W hilst I do know that
s
,
,
,
.
3 06
D
UTI E S O F C HA I R M AN O F
A
M EE TI N G
.
een soon be heard o n w
hich gentleman the choice o f
the meeting rests A n d s u ch a course of pro cee ding
which even if four o r five gentlemen b e thus n omi
n ate d will n o t require more than a single minute will
be a happy p assage of an orderly course o f pro ceeding
t hrou g hout
s
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
12
.
A s it is a duty incumbent o n the persons assembled
to listen to the nominations and t o allow the mo
’
ment s silence requisite for the secon ding s o does
this state o f things impose a duty o n the persons who
may be nominate d to the o fii c e o f chairman Thi s
duty without the observance of which there will be
disorder
this duty is silence a n d an acquiescence in
t he decisio n o f the meeting
D iscl aimers pro tests o f
u n fi tn e s s
o f indispo sition of the superior claims of
o thers ; in short speeches o f any sort ho wever short
ought to be carefu lly avoided until there be a chair
man seated and the meeting thereby organized It
does no t follow that because a gentleman is nominated
to the O ffice of chairman that he will be appointe d S o
that each gentlema n so name d may with perfect p r o
d
and
indee
ought
to
remain
silent
leavin
g
it
to
r iet
p
y
the meeting ho best know whom to prefer to make
its choice If indeed it do happen that Owing to the
state o f health o r to any o ther circumstance the
gentleman selected have some insuperable obj ection
t o undertaking the duties o f the o ffice as it is de s i r a
ble above all things that the meeting be o rganized
w
ith as little delay as possible still let such gentle
m a n t a ke the chair and from tha t position as brie fly
,
,
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,
,
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,
“
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,
E
L E C TI ON
OR APPO I N TMENT
,
07
.
pl ease s tate o r allude to the objection begging
th e m e ct i ng to cho ose anoth er chairman during which
he will pre s ide an d render his best assistance There
a ch airman the meeting being ne organ
being ne
i z e d may and ought to have the question o n each
nomination pu t to it and its vo te taken o n each nom
i n a ti o n just as i ts vo te is to be t a ken o n any o ther
questi o n But before pro ceeding to take the vo tes
the chairman should allow time fo r all the no m inations
likely to be made
as
he
,
,
‘
‘
,
w
w
.
,
,
,
,
~
,
,
.
,
,
.
It is an awkward and unpleasant thing for a gen
t l e m a n calle d upon to fill the o ffice o f chairman o f a
m eeting o n the o cca s io n of his first taking t h e chair
to have to make his way towar ds it alone N o gentle
man ough t to be left in this situation whether the
meeting be large o r small O n the e lectio n o f th e
S peaker of the H ous e of R epresentatives he i s with
great propriety acco mpanied an d han ded to his chair
A nd something o f this ought t o be O bserved and
practised o f ushering t o hi s seat fo r the first time the
chairman o f an y company
13
.
’
‘
,
.
,
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,
,
,
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’
,
.
14
Thus fa r I have treated o f cases in which the chair
ma n is to be cho sen by the meeting o n i t s a s s e mbl i n
g
An d it is in such cases only that precepts o r a dvice
ca n be required
There are o ther cases in which
mee tin g s are convened and the inten de d chairman is
n amed I n the requisition o r do cu m ent by whi ch the
meeting is convened
S uch meetings are of cou r se
the res u lt o f some previous me e ting g r e a t o r small at
.
'
.
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,
,
“
,
,
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,
‘
,
,
3 08
D
U TI E S O F CHA I R M AN O F A MEE TI N G
.
which this appointment o f chairman and o ther a rrange
ments have been made A ll this is very proper dc
sirable and even necessary i n the case o f a large
meeting T o such previous appointment o f a chair
man there coul d be no reasonabl e obj ection even
if i t did n o t come r ecommended to us by its ten
deney t o forward the business o f the meeting ther e
could be no reasonable Objection t o it in point o f
order a t least seeing that it i s previously and
h o enterta ins i n s u r
openly announced a n d the man w
mountable Obj ections to the chairman may stay away
,
,
.
,
,
.
,
,
,
,
.
,
It must b e proper a n d desirable o n o ccasions o f
l a r g e meetings to have the chairman previously a p
poin te d Five hundred persons are probably as large
an assemblage as can b e expected o n the instant to
elect a chairman in a satisfactory manner and it may
therefore o n all o ccasions o n which a meeting is rea
s o n a bl y expected t o exceed this number be desirable
fo r some smal ler number including among them o f
course unless it be impracticable the originators o f
the pro ceedings i t may in all such cases be desirabl e
a n d proper for some such body o f persons to select
and appoint a chairman : the mo de o f doin g which
ought however t o be attended with at l east all th e
Observances and forms that are inculcated in par a
graphs 9 l o and 11 and ought li k ewise t o be i n flu
e nc e d by the consi derations suggeste d in the fe
r e
p
vio n s par a graphs beginni n g with that n u mbered 4
15
.
,
,
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,
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,
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’
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16
.
,
w
.
A sm a ll e r bo dy may thus with perfect propri ety
,
3 10
D
U TI E S
CHA I R M AN
or
A ME E TI N G
or
.
previou s an d explicit di stinction of persons a n d of
powers all are to be under s to o d as equal ; that is
equal in poi nt of rights In this sta t e o f things every
man h o ha s a right t o b e prese nt a n d o f cou r se
every man who comes within the descriptio n o f the
requisiti o n has such right ; every such man ha s a r i g h t
and an equ a l right with any o the r man t o assis t i n
th e nominatio n o f a chairman o r t o be himself nom i
n a t e d and elected ; and o f co u rse a n equal right to
make a n dto second and to vo te fo r or ag ainst mo tions
and amendments This is the princ i ple this is the rule
A nd o n the due observance o f this principle through
o u t the whole o f i ts pro ceed i n g s must the peace and
the o rder and the final s u ccess o f ev e r y meetin g pro
e co d
.
,
,
w
.
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.
Nor
is the r e the sligh test rea s o n for any rational
A re we to
o r just man to W ish that it were o therwi s e
be told that there is a di fference in the educatio n i n
the understanding i n the rank a n d station , a n d in the
moral a nd intellectual qualities o f m e n ; and that o n
this accoun t they ought no t t o be equally tr e ated Is
this the plea for distinctions fo r preference s and for
e xclusions at meetings such a s these o f which
e ar e
treating ? S how me your gauge for measur i ng for
ascertaining the exac t worth the intellec tual rank o f
men and for exhibiting with precision the estimation
in which a man is held a n d in which he ought to be
held by his neighbors and h i s fellow countryme n sho
me thi s gau g e , a n d t hen will I con s ider o f the p le a fo r
18
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,
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w
,
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-
,
,
w
ELE C TI ON
OR
,
APPO I N TMEN T
311
-
.
But indee d we have this g au ge An d we see i t
applied as completely as human i n fi r m i ti e s a n d pr e po s
sessions will permit us to apply i t in the case o f a
public meeting It is indubitable that w
hen any m a n
o fi e r s himself fo r any purpose to the atte n t i on o f an
a ssemblage o f his neighbors that ass embla g e applie s
the gauge It tak e s into consi der a tio n all hi s q u a l i
ties and pretensions and bating that leaning to war ds
wealth and power and established reputation to which
are all of us pro ne it generally forms a tolerably
e
w
accurate estimate o f a man A t all events this is the
best gauge w
The decisio n is apt to be gr eatly
e have
i n favor o f the i nfluential a n d the educated ; and he
ho wants more than this fo r them m u st be a n irra
t i o n a l devo tee
19
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'
,
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,
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w
,
.
w
much for the principle o n hich w
e ought a n d
indeed o n which if e would preserve the peace an d
order and secure any go o d e ffects from a meeting s o
much fo r the principle o n which throughout th e whol e
fair we must pro ceed that is t o say a princi
o f the a f
pl e o f equity to wards every man duly enti tled to be
present
2 0 So
.
,
,
w
,
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.
,
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,
.
re s u me : W e left o u r subject with par a g raph
1 6 i n which the appo intment of a ch airman t o a large
meeting by a smaller preparatory meeting ha d b ee n
considere d a n d concluded The chairman then is se
l e ct e dand appointe d The next step to be taken is to
i ntro duce him to the larger meeting and to install him
i n hi s o ffi ce which may be done wi th g r e a t nr o pi i
2 1 To
.
,
,
,
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,
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,
.
,
,
U E
3 12
D TI S
O F CHA I R M AN
A ME E T I N G
or
.
ety and e ffect by a brief a d dr ess from some gentleman
ho is acquai n ted with the merits and the fit ness o f the
chairman elect A nd thi s may e n o t venture to pro
nounce i s the only o ccasio n o n which a Speech o f
any descriptio n ca n with propriety be addressed t o a
me e ting previ ou s t o the installation o f its chair ma n
and t o i ts co ns e q u en t o rgani z ation
w
.
w
,
,
.
R
THE
E QUIS IT E PO WERS
U I
O FFI C E
D T E S O F H IS
.
d u ties whe n a discussion i s to be carried
hen motions a r e t o be ma de and am e ndments
on w
moved and eager speakers t o be restrained a n d some
times turbulent audi t ors t o be ruled ; these duties a r e
A nd yet when e
n o t with in the s cop e o f every man
c a ll t o m ind the considerations by which as s e mblag e s
o f m e n often seem t o be guided in the selection o f a
chairman w
might very fairly conclude tha t this O f
e
fi ce o n e o f the most di ffi cult that a man can be called
o n t o s u stain is i n their estimation the very easiest
thing in life H owever i t is n o t o u r business to e x
atia
n the di ffi c u l ties bu t to remove o r t o surmo u n t
t
e
o
p
2 2
.
T hes e
AND
,
,
,
,
,
.
w
,
,
-
,
,
,
,
.
,
,
t he m
.
ch a irm a n o u ght in reality to h a v e a chai r
a n d this chair ought if the assemblage be of any c on
s i de r a bl e n u mber t o be r aised and by a l l m e a n s s o
l
a
ce
d as to d e t a ch i n s o m e s lig ht d e g r e e the gentl e
p
2 3 T he
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
3 14
DU
TI ES O F C HA I R M AN O F A
M
EE TI N G
.
B esides for ano ther important reason the chair
ma n is no t to be spoken with save by his secre tary o r
clerk and ought to hol d none but in dispensabl e com
mu ni c a ti o n s even with him during debate
S etting
in private
a side the unseemliness o f communicating
conversation with individuals Of the meeting there
must be always sufficient t o occupy the whol e min d
o f the chai r m an in the business of the meeting the
object o f whi ch he must keep constantly a n d cl e a r l v
t
i n view s o as t o detect and be ready o check o n the
H e is
i nstant any the slightest aberration from it
t o know is to see and to hear every thing that i s
goin g o n he is t o bear in mind all that has passe d
and to have a clear view o f w
hat remains to be done
so as to be able t o suggest with promptitude the nex t
s t ep t o be taken and thereby to keep the a ttentio n o f
To insure attention a n d
t he meeting t o its purpose
order he must himself set the example and must liste n
with marked attentio n t o every sp eaker
2 6
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,
.
With this a rr angement the o ffice o f chairman
becomes much less difficult than it would o therwise be
The gentleman appoin ted ought as was before inti
mate d t o be accompanied o r hande d to his chair by
s ome o n e o r two others so that every o n e se e s and
feels that his taking upon h imself the o ffice is n o t a
pi cc e o f assumption o n his part
7
.
.
,
,
,
.
2 8.N o
gentleman will requir e to be remi nded th a t
the o mc e o f chairman i n a meeting i n
o n takin g
h i ch di ffe rent and Oppo s ing m e a su r e s ma y be pr cr
w
,
I ITE
RE Q U S
P O WE R S
AN D
D
U TI E S
315
.
pounded he resigns all thoughts o f p r o m o t i i g any
particular views o r course o f pro cee ding to which
he himself may be inclined If a gentleman can
—
no t thus resign his views and there a r e cases i n
which a man ought n o t — his duty will be t o take
the chair t o which he is elected and from th a t situa
tion t o state t o the meeting the obligatio n he is
under to advo cate and to maintain a p articular course
o f pro ceeding ; and to beg that they will select a no ther
chairman d u ring which selection he will gladly assist
by presidin g
,
.
,
,
.
2 9 On
entering upon the duties o f his o ffi ce the
chairman will have to address himself t o the meeting
very brie fly but distinctly adverting t o the purpo se fo r
which i t is assembled a n d if there be a r equisitio n or
o ther document under which the meeting is convened
he will do well to read it o r if it be o f any length to
cause it to be read in a distinct and audible vo ice
After this if it be no t indicated in the re q uisition the
chairman may with great advantage point to the
course o f pro ceeding intended to be pursued by the
gentlemen w
ho have proj ecte d and co nvened t he meet
ing ; the course by which they mean to pur s ue their
object if he be informed of that course and thus will
t he meeting have the whole matter before them What
ever may be his o pini ons o r his wishes with regar d t o
the proposed measures i t will be his duty to abstain
from the slightest expressio n o f them leaving the a d
v a cating o f the measures and the obj ecting to them
to the se veral Speakers
If there be seats fo r th e
.
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.
3 16
D
UTI E S
or
CHA I R M AN
A M EE TI N G
or
.
company and they are no t seated it is highly expedient
that the chairman require them to b e so An d if he
think that some o f them require instruction on thi s
hea d it will be equally expedient in him to request
that gentlemen will keep their seats du ring the business
o f th e m e e t i n g save when they rise to speak
and that
each gentleman o n the c onclusio n o f whatever he m a y
have to say instantly resume his seat affor ding there
by a fair opportunity for any other gentleman to rise
O bservations o f this kind ; according to the taste and
judgment o f the chairman conclu ding wi t h a r oc e m
me n da t i o n to the meeting t o give a patient hearing to
the several speakers will form a very suitable prelude
O n resuming his seat
t o the business o f the meeting
the chairman both n o and o n every o ther occasion
intimates his desire that the business o f the meeting
s hould proceed
,
,
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,
,
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,
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,
,
w
,
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,
,
.
motion will now o f course be submitted t o the
meeting and this motion having been read generally
by the mover will doubtless be secon de d A fter the
moving and the secon ding the wor ds of the motion in
writing being han ded t o the chairman o r to his secre
tary ought aga in in an audible voice t o be read to
the meeting either by the chairm a n or by some person
o f his appointment : and immediately after this fo r
any obj ectio n to be made o n such mo tion o r a ny
amen dment move d thereon If a fter a reasonable and
suffi cient pause n o obj ector present himself the chair
man will pro ceed to put the mo tion t o the meeting
t akin g the vo t es fo r it and then a g ainst i t in the
30 A
,
,
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“
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,
3 18
D
U TI E S O F C HA I R M AN
A M EE TI N G
or
.
ourse with all due courtesy ; with firmness and
t ho r i ty when required
c
,
e u
.
these four mo des of raising an obj ection to
an original mo tion it i s o f the utmo st importance that
we obtain a clear u nderstanding S o let us trea t o f
them severally in due order
32
.
Of
,
.
.
,
But first ; o f an OR IGI NAL M O TI ON There i s a
duty here incumbent o n the chairman with regard to
this mo tio n ; a duty due to his own character and to
the character of the meeting A lthough such a ca s e
seldom o ccurs yet as it might occur w
e ought to be
prepared for i t A mo tion even an original motion
may be framed o n an oversight o r in error with r e
gard to the expres s purpo se o f the meeting
In this
as in o ther cases it is the duty o f the chairman to be
vigilant and if such a case o ccur he ought to point it
33
.
.
,
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,
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,
,
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,
,
ou
t
.
34
.
H owever this after all may be only matter
,
,
,
of
in divi dual opinion as every pr e p o s i t i o n is to be re
gar de d until i t have been determined on by a vote o f
the meeting
The chairman may misapprehend the
motion ; o r he may even b e un der some error with
regard to the express purpo s e of the meeting E ither
—
f
these
is
po
ssible
but we ought to be very careful
o
in a dmitting a nd acting o n such a presumption h o w
ever i t is p os s ible that t he chairman i n objecting to a
motion o n this groun d may be in erro r ; in which
with becoming deference to his office he may h e
c ase
,
.
'
.
,
,
,
,
,
RE QUI S IT E PO W ER S
D U T IE s
AND
3 19
.
easoned with If his obj ectio n be n o t removed then
i t will be his d u ty to set such erroneous mo tio n as ide
o r if susceptible o f correction to have it co rrected
ever— as it is o f course po ssible — the chairman
f ho w
be in such a case manifestly and in the opinio n o f a
majority o r near a maj o rity in erro r and his erro r be
no t corrected then ought he as due to himself and t o
the meeting t o entreat th at meeting to select ano the r
chairman and thus to permit him to resign an o ffi ce
in which no man ought to be called o n to do any thi n g
o r to suffer any thing to be done which he do e s
no t deem perfectly consonant to order
What has
been just stated with regard to the course to b e
pursue d by a chairman in the case o f an original
mo tion is e q ually applicable t o a n amen dment o n a
motion
r
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AN A M EN D M EN T o n a mo tio n This
as the term imports is designed by the mover as an
i mp r o ve me nt o n a previous mo tion
There are case s
i n which we may very properly entertain a wish
that no thing should be done cases in which w
e may
no t only b e opposed t o a mo tion just made but alto
gether Opposed to any thin g of the nature o f such a
mo tion opposed to any step whatever being taken In
any such directio n a n d indeed oppose d t o any mov e
ment whatever In a case o f this kind we do n o t
pr e pose an amen dment ; unless indeed we might
cho o se as a means o f awakening the attentio n of the
n view o f the case to pr e pose an
meeting to o u r o w
i ronical amen dment except i n such a case as this if
of
3 5 S econd ;
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32 0
D U T IE s
wbe oppo sed t
or
CHAI R M AN O F A M EE TI N G
.
any thin g bein g done in the directio n
proposed we do no t move an amendment but Objec t
to argue directly against the motion and seek to per
s uade the meetin g t o rej ect it by voting it o u t
We
do n o t move a s a n a me ndme nt that the st ep pr o
po sed in the foregoing mo tio n be n o t taken n o r that
the motio n b e rej ected
W e do no t in such a case
make a mo tion o f any description bu t as before stat
e d
e argue against t he motion
There can in short
b e n o mo tion p ro perly framed to put a direct ne g a ti ve
o n any thing
Mo tions p r opositions o f any so r t mus t
n ever be in the ne g a ti ve but always in th e afi r m a ti ve
form
They must always affi rm that something IS
never the c o ntrary A n d it is part o f
o r S HAL L B E
the duty o f the chairman to see that all motions b e
u t i n t he proper form
p
e
o
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36
.
A n amendment then like an ori g inal motion mus t
,
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be in the a ffirmative form and professing as it do e s
to b e an improvement o n such mo tion it ought osten
nu
s i bl y at least ; to be shaped towar ds the same e n d
less in de e d that i n the opinion o f the mover o f the
amendment the original motio n be no t conformable t o
the p u r pose o f the meeting i n which ca s e he may o n
t hat ground o ffer his amen dment for th e avowed p u r
po s e of superseding that mo tion altogether
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Third Su ffi cient has been sai d in the last pa r
a g r a ph but one o n t h e mo de of pro cee ding in o rder
t o put a negative o n a mo tion
O f the methods of
r esisting the adoption of a moti on as enumerated in
37
.
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,
U I E S O F C HA I R M AN
32 2
or
D T
A M EE TI N G
.
to pla c e himself in o ppo s ition to a propositio n such a s
A n d yet he
a ny o f these which we have s r pp o s e d
and a majority of the meeting may wish to get r i d of
i t The step then to be taken is to move the previous
questio n whi ch question although never directly p u t
save in a case o f this kin d is always under s to od to
have been put and carrie d in the a ffirmative prev i ous
to a meeting entering on the discu s sio n o f any motion
”
A n d the moving o f
the previous question is the
moving That this meeting do now pro cee d with the
”
discussion o f the motion before it
The mover of
this wishes o f course that the meeting shall decide
that it will no t proceed with the discussion and there
by throw o u t the proposition But as laid down in
paragraph 3 5 all mo tio ns must be made in the a ffirm
ative form and a negative vo te may thus be ob t a ined
un der that form
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Thus may a meeti n g at any time if it please in
a regular a n d orderly manner a n d without throwing
the ungracious o ffice o n its chairman set aside a mo
tion which it may deem useless or o therwise unworth y
The previous question however must
o f discussion
ait its turn ere i t be move d The mo tio n against
which i t may be empl oyed besides being moved m u st
be seconded and put to th e meeting by being rea d by
the chairman o r by some p er s on under his direction
Because until this be done the previous question i s
pr e mature is unnecess a ry is out of or der
40
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41
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F i fth and l a st
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A
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mo tion to A D JO U RN
.
Thi s
R
E Q U I S IT E PO W ER S
AN D
D
U TI E S
32 3
.
may be made at any time and ma y be again and
agai n repeated N o r i s i t an easy matter to devise a
rule by which the making o f it can be restrained
without subj ecting a meeting to very great i n c o n
The usual restraint the obligation n o t to
ve n i e n ce s
make a mo tion for an adjournment lightly and i n co n
for factious purposes consists in the
or
s i de r a t cl y
great responsibility in the o dium to which the mover
would subject himself unl ess countenanced by the g en
eral sense o f the meeting But this o dium this r e
sponsibility is g enerally suffi cient and is the chief o r
only security fo r o rderly conduct in any p art o f a
publi c meeti ng
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Thus then have we before u s the several m o
tions and forms o f mo tions which any member and
every member entitled to b e pre s ent at a meeting has
a right t o make and that which each individual ha s
a right t o do it is the business and the duty o f the
chairman to pro tect him in the performance o f
42
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,
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Is it necessary t o observe that these rights are
little liable to be abused ? They never in fact are
abuse d O u r citizens generally are but to o di fi i de n t
o f themselves to be troublesome in making superfluo us
mo tion s A nd n o o n e will call in question the salu
tary nature o f these rights save persons Of peevish
a n d ungovernable tempers
who would have e very
thing their o w
H owever salutary o r no t the
n way
rights do exist and must exist where a number o f men
a r e assemble d fo r the purpose o f debating on any prop
43
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2 4
os i
D
U TI E S O F CHA I R MAN O F A M EET I N G
.
ti o n ,
and there can be no order unless all par t ie s
be equally protected a n d aide d by the chairman i n
the fair exerci s e of these rights
.
44
But these are rights to make motions merely
E very indivi dual entitle d t o take part in th e pro ceed
ing that is t o say entitled to be present and t o vo te
is fully entitled to make mo tions and to second m o
tions provided that such motions be conformable to
the rules just laid down But the making of speeches
the o ccupying o f the time a n d attentio n o f the meet
ing by making speeches is ano ther a ffair H ere each
n way to the favor a n d to the
man must make his o w
attention of a meeting A n d the meeting ought to be
allowed to cho o se whether it will hear him or not
It must be the duty of a chairman to forbid partial
and envious and preconcerted interruptions of a
speaker but if a whole meeting have a distaste either
fo r the man o r for his manner o f Speaking o r for
the matter of his speech i t can never be the duty o f a
chairman to insist o n their listening The meetin g
ought to be allowed to cho ose whom and what it will
listen to in the way o f Speaking ; and has a right
must have a right to express its approbation o r its
di approbation in any manner i t may please It is
par tial and preconcerte d interruptions only that a
chairman ought t o repress without being called upon
t o obtain a hearing for a te dious incapable o r o ther
wise distasteful speech Bu t a mo tion is ano ther mat
h o can no t obtain attention as a Speak
ter A man w
and it m ust be the duty
e r may move a proposition
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U IES
2 6
D T
or
CHA I R M AN
or
A M EE TI N G
.
to pr o no u nce i ts opinion o n the propo sition ; and
having S ubmitte d it the mover a n d seconder are not
competent to withdraw it save with the unanimo u s
c q u i e s c e n c e o f the meeting
,
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,
.
47
A mo tion being thus fully before a
if
no objector present himself may be put to the vo te
without further speaking although there can be no
irregularity in a thir d o r fourth Speaker o ffering
reasons in its support
But neither mover nor
s econ der ought agai n to be permitte d to Speak save
in explanatio n O f some previous Obscurity or manifest
misapprehension a n d to such explanation shoul d any
further words from either of them be very rigidly
confined
But if an obj ector appear if a debate
arise then may the mover Speak a secon d time o r his
secon der as I a pprehen d if no member obj ect to it
may W ithout impropriety speak o n his behalf ; such
s peech being strictly confine d to a reply to the o bj e c
tions stated ; to explanations as before spoken of and
t o a summing up of the arguments previously u se d i n
N O new matter ought to be suf
s upport o f the mo tion
fc r e d to originate in this secon d S peech for if it were
he Whole debate woul d be reopene d a n d the objectors
to the motion woul d manifestly be entitle d to answer
such new matter and bring forward new arguments
A nd
a n d second thoughts o n their parts against i t
thu woul d there be no end to a question
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m eeting ,
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s
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This right O f reply a s i t is terme d exi s ts in
the m over of a n orig i nal prop osi tion ; but belon g s
48
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,
,
RE QUI S IT E P O W ER S
AN D
D
U TI E S
32 7
.
bt to the mover o f an amendment whose mov e
ments altogether bo th Speech and motion are in o ppo
s i t iou are in answer to the o riginal mo tion and to the
There must
Speech o r Speeches ma de in its support
be limits to a de ba t e Men h o do no t make speeches
must no t b e kept in unlimited attendance o n those
ho do
nor must speakers b e p ermitted by repeated
a nswers by replies a n d rej o inders to degenerate into
The rule is : O ne speech for each man
a wrangle
i f he please o n eac h mo tion and no m ore s a ve to
th e mover of an original propositio n ; W hose second
also to be kept fro m new matter from
3pe e ch is
save such
s econd tho u ghts in favo r of his mo tion
thoughts as clearly apply i n answer to the objectio ns
just made t o his pr e po s i t i o n It is o f course the
duty o f the chairman liberally to interpret and t o
apply this rule
n
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49
With r egard to the time o f commencing his
reply
This as almo st every thing else in these
matters must be in deference t o t h e co nvenience and
wishes o f the meeting When a number o f men are
assembled o n business that bu s iness ought to be done
with promptitude with Spirit but with du e attentio n
t o , order
There ought to be no lo itering no r a u v
in decent haste S o the time fo r the mo ver to r i s e and
to commence his reply is when a pause o ccurs in the
debate when no person appears e a ger to make o bj e c
t ion ; o r w
hen a meeting impatient to c o m e to a
c l ose calls fo r
an end to the de ba t e In either o f
these cases the ch a irman will h a n ds omely fu l li l hi s
.
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D
UTI E S
OF
C H AI R M AN
OF A
M E E TI N G
.
duty by turning his eyes towa rds the per s on w
ho mad e
t he original mo tio n thereby signifying to hi m that he i s
ready to hear any thi ng which such p erso n may hav e
to say in reply
,
.
The debate being ended by the reply o r by th e
person w
h o is entitled to reply declining to exercise
his right without per mitting any fu rther speeches o r
amen dments the chairman Ought to pro ceed to p u t
the questio n as it is calle d —that i s to take the vote
which vo te he of course takes in the
o f the meeti n g
manner that is usual in meetings o f the same de s cr i p
tion ; co mmonly by a S ho w of han ds : but if there b e
a dispute o r uncertainty about the decision i t must
become his duty to divide the meeting and if nec os
sary to a satisfactory decision to have the persons o n
each side counted
50
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There must be no unfair pro ceeding in this part
o f the con duct of a meeting
There is a never failin g
and a mo st a dmirable dispo sition in the people o f this
country to debate on their differences to discuss their
Opposing claims ; to meet for thes e purpo ses ; and then
all parties who have a right a n d who cho o se to be pre s
ent being assembled to put the p oint in dispute amon g
them to the vo te and then to yield to that vo te whether
it be for or against them This di s po sitio n in the great
bulk of the p eopl e never fails us A n d nothing i n
human nature can be more a dmirable more salutary
T hey think no t o f fighting C ome say they let us
discuss the di fference between us ; and havin g dul y
51
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330
D
U TI E S O F C HA I R M AN O F A M EE TI NG
.
But for the chairman to lend himself to the
purposes o f a party what is it but to pervert his o ffice
a n d to betray the co nfi dence which men are accus
t e me d to repo se in that o ffi ce ? The least evil ari s in g
from such a cour s e o f conduct is the discontent and
t u rbulence usually attendant o n i t The ultimate and
n o t very remote consequences o f such behavior o n
the part o f chairmen were it to become prevalent
woul d be to drive our brave o u r generous our just
countrymen fro m their habitual fair play and c o nfi
dence in each o ther to drive them from these which
happily are still a part o f their nature ; to drive them
from their debating a n d vo ting into the use o f the
knife and the dagger
53
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To
return to the course o f business which the
chairman has to perform the details o f which e left
i n the taking of the vo te at paragraph 50
54
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w
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,
If there be but one motion before the meeting the
chairman pro cee ds the debate being ende d to take the
votes F OR a n dA G A I NS T that mo tion But if there be an
a men dm ent o n that mo tion he takes the vo tes for a n d
against the amendment first ; a n d if there were a second
o r a third amendment then would he have to take the
votes on these severally for a n d against each begin
ning with the last and ascending upwards towards the
original mo tion
55
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When there is a mo tion and an amendmen t
thereo n to be vo ted on it is a common practice to
56
.
,
RE QUI S IT E PO W ER S
AN D
D
U TI E S
33 1
.
the vo te S imply for the amendment an d then
that for the original mo tio n a n d so to deci de the
questio n between these two merely in favo r of that
hich has the greater number o f vo tes B u t this is
by no means correct Fo r al though o n e o f these
mo tions may have more vo tes than the o ther it do es
no t follo w that it is t o be adopted A majority o f
th e meeting may b e averse to bo th and have there
fo re vo ted fo r neither I t is their turn to vo te
A nd to give them this turn each mo tio n must be put
completely to the meeting F OR and A G A I N S T Thus
fi r s t fo r the a me ndme nt and then a g a i ns t the a me n d
m e nt
When if a maj ority b e fo r the a m e ndme nt the
question is settle d the amen dment being carrie d a n d
he original question vo ted o u t ; but if the majority
be against the amendment then comes the vo ting fo r
and a g a i ns t the o r i g i na l m oti o n A nd this may b e
outvo ted likewise
I t by no means follo ws that
because two o r three propositions are made to us we
must accept o n e o f the m
W e may very wisely
e are rejecting every propo sed
cho ose to remain as w
alteration
tak e
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In the manner thus laid do wn may a number o f
motions original o r amendments be successively dis
posed O f A nd the rules laid down o n this and o n
a l l the o ther po ints apply equally to large o r to small
meetings
57
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58
.
H aving ascertained that the busines s
meeting and consequently the duties
,
of
of
the
the chairman
,
33 2
D
UT I E S O F CHA I R M AN
or
A
M E E I IN G
.
are at an end the ch a irman o u ght wi th pro m pti tud e
to declare that the pro ceedings h ave terminate d
and instantly to leave the chair ; a ffor di n g thereby
an opportunity t o the meeting to express its a p p r o ba
tion o r disapprobation o f his co nduct
,
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,
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59
Thus far have we looked only to the duties and
t o the o mc e
of chairmen o f o ccasional o r single
meetings without referring t o tho s e o f the chairman
o f a permanent society council o r committee which
assembles a dj ourns and r e as s e mbl cs at stated and
app ointed perio ds
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It must b e merely o n the reassembling o f a
meeting of th i s kind that there can n o w
remain any
thing p articular to observe o n O n such o ccasions
the chairman will have to refer to the minutes of the
prece ding meeting
Whether this assembling be a
recurrence only Of the o r dinary a n d regular meetings
j ournment
o r the result of a s p ecial appointment by a d
o r o therw i se it will in the outset be the busin e s s o f
the chairman to state A n d then he will rea d o r
cause to be rea d from the minute s o f former meetings
whatever may ten d to lead th e present into the bu s i
ness aw a iting its attention
60
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There are o n e or two qu es tions cl o sely connected
with this part o f the subject yet to be spoken o f
The first o f which in point of interest and importa nce
61
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34
D
UTI E S O F CHA I R M AN O F A M EE TI N G
.
properly he will incur the disapprobation the cen s ure
and con demnatio n of the meeting It can be proper
only when a speaker is o u t of o rder ; either making
a pr e
o
i
n
o
that
is
irregular
in
some
partic
lar
o
r
s
i
t
u
p
wandering from t he questio n before the meeting or
o therwise unnecessarily consuming the time o r endan
gering o r perverting the just a n d reasonable purpo s es
o f the meeting
It is an ungracious o ffi ce to interrupt a
ho is thus irregular ; the chairman may be i n
p erso n w
attentive to the irregularity o r hO p i ng it will so on ter
minate may defer the exercise o f his authority In any
case o f this kin d an in dividual o f quick discernment
and great z eal for the success of the pro ceedings may
with commen dable Spirit rise and addressing himself
to the chairman may point o u t the i rregularity That
may suffi ce t o put a s te p to it But if i t do n o t th e
meeting will most probably express its Opinion
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A n individual thus O ffering himself
the
attentio n o f the chairman in the middle o f a sp eech
ought to b e listened to whilst he briefly points o u t
what he conceives to b e an ir re g u larity A nd the
moment an individual thus rises Signifying as he
ought to do that it is on a p oint o f order the person
o u ght o f course t o stop awaiting the
S p e aki n g
h o alone and n o t the
decisio n o f the chairman w
meeting is to be a ddressed and appealed t o o n all
points o f order
65
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to
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When at onc e t w
o o r more persons rise o r a d
van ce , i n o rder t o addr e s s the cha i r ma n o r the mee t
66
.
,
RE QUI S IT E PO W ER S
AN D
D
UTI E S
3 35
.
ing the question a s to which shall first speak is to be
determined by the chairman wh o will determi ne i t i n
favor of the gentlema n who fi rst catches his eye
There can be no better rule devise d than this T he
chairman as laid down in paragraph 2 3 ought to be
so placed as to b e able to see all and to be seen o f all
and as it is part of his duty to avail himself of this
his favorable S ituation so ought he best to s e e w
ho
first advances to Speak A fter the gentleman who
’
first catches the chairman s eye the second and thir d
according to the nomination o f the chairman ought
t o have the privilege o f speaking
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67
The last point which under this head it may be
—
ad visable to no tice is this and it is designed for
every individual member o f a meeting L et the chair
ma n be the sole preserver Of o rder
A ny attempt t o
assist him in this part o f h i s O ffi ce save by S ilent and
respectful attentio n to him must tend to create dis
order There are certainly extreme cases in which
it may become expedient fo r a meeting to expel from
its body some ungovernable and disorderly individual
this o f course is a case t o which the rule just laid
down does no t apply
It is the privilege of the chair
”
man alone t o call to OR D ER
L et no o ther indivi d
ual presume t o utter the call But let the mee t ing at
all times be r eady to en force attentio n t o the wishes
”
a n d t o the comm ands o f
T HE C HA I R
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