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Can we press the timeout for a moment? We really need to.
Few topics have enjoyed a rise like that of ‘The Narcissist’. The articles
stream across various blogging sites, generating huge buzz and, for some
authors, great fortunes.
Many of the articles are great and I’m very sympathetic to the stories. But
the emergence of thousands of narcissism articles has a problematic moral
and logical underbelly.
!"#$%&'()$*'+,-#.$/&)"$)"&($-0,#The term “Narcissist” isn’t actually a medical diagnosis.¹ This isn’t a major
point of contention but worth mentioning.
We all exist on the narcissism spectrum. In small doses, narcissism is
actually good for you. It allows you to feel joy and elation. It allows you to
relish your victories and feel proud.
But in extremes, narcissism becomes pathological. It’s dubbed Narcissistic
Personality Disorder, or NPD, which is what ‘the narcissist’ has.
Common symptoms include grandiose feelings of self-importance, an
inability to apologize, being extremely defensive, and having unqualiNed
feelings of competency. The Nnal and deNning characteristic is the presence
of anosognosia, the person’s inability to even see there is a problem.
NPD is rare. Less than 1% of people have it. Yet, as you read articles about
bad partners, you might conclude that everyone has dated a narcissist.
Is it possible? I had an unfortunate Nrsthand run-in with this phenomenon.
12$*#'(+30-$#4*#'&#35#$/&)"$678
I’m a professional writer in the blogosphere. I also do quite a bit of editing
for people. Lots of content comes across my Ngurative desk.
Last month, I came across an article by a young lady who was writing about
a former partner. She was detailing all of the pains of dating a narcissist.
She was also outlining the signs your partner is a narcissist and how she
dealt with hers.
Here’s the problem. I happened to know this writer quite well. I also know,
personally, the former partner she was talking about. Like all of us, he is
many things both good and bad. But he wasn’t a narcissist. He was more,
vanilla crappy, a generic bad boyfriend. There was more context though.
Their relationship went south, and, like many couples, they didn’t break up
when they should have. They let it spiral down to the bitter end and it
brought out the worst in them. I was troubled that she was shoveling
everything at him with this singular label, while also distorting a few facts I
was keen on.
!"#$(+9'5#$+%$)"#$:&0;3+()&5$*'+,-#.
One of the chief frustrations of mental health counselors is armchair
diagnosing². The era of googling our symptoms has caused very real
heartburn and medical problems.
Why? Because mental health is nuanced. People are not. We tend to slam
binary labels on everything around us. After all, there is comfort in thinking
in extremes. It gives us mental closure. But it isn’t prescriptive to solving
life’s problems.
There’s another problem that isn’t being addressed and it hurts the victim.
<#0-&3;$03:$.+=&3;$%+'/0':
My main beef with the rise of narcissism articles is one of accountability.
To move forward from any relationship, one must express contrition and
@'0%9"#93"#9&
remorse. I worry that armchair diagnosing has given people an out from
learning.
In the aforementioned example, with the woman I knew, she wrote dozens
of articles, and not once did she acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part.
It was a bit ironic.
Additionally, I saw a male writer in the same vein, churning out countless
articles about how terrible his narcissist partner was. The comments were a
chorus of people in agreement and seemingly jumping from their chairs
clapping. But there was never any slight mention of mistakes on his part.
We should be able to distinguish between victim blaming and medical
honesty. We aren’t positioned to self-diagnose anyone as a narcissist based
on anecdotal evidence. Throwing every bad partner in that bucket
trivializes the true danger of NPD. It also stigmatizes those who are actually
suWering from it.
I have deep and painful regrets from past relationships. I wouldn’t qualify
myself as abusive or anything close to it. But there are so many things I’d
have done diWerently. It’s unfair to disregard every mistake with, “They
were the narcissist, not me.”
!"#$)0>#0/02
Narcissism is surely on the rise. Most research supports this fact.
We should monitor our egos. The surge of likes and adoration under the
guise of Nlters and internet fame is not a friend to humility.
Additionally, writing about a bad ex will surely draw crowds and oWer
comfort. But it won’t complete your healing.
Not everything works out. We choose poorly. We stay too long. I’ve had a
girlfriend who displayed a number of narcissistic traits. But she was far
from worthy of an acute medical diagnosis.
We are all problematic, buggy humans. If you wanted to, you could Nnd
traits that match a narcissist in any person you meet. But that doesn’t mean
you should.
So stay healthy, choose wisely, and skip labels you aren’t qualiNed to apply.
?+9'5#(
[1] Mcbride, Karyl (2007) What is Narcissism and Maternal Narcissism?
[2] Schulienberg, Bill (2019) The Trouble With Armchair Diagnosing
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